The ins and outs of Me

Since my (slightly OTT??) post yesterday I thought about everything and in perspective I suppose I know that deep down whatever happens I'll be fine and that maybe I'm over hyping the ex in my mind because of all the times when we used to get on so well. I know that I, as well as any person, deserve to be treated well. With respect. Something the ex seems to have trouble doing recently.

So, I did wonder briefly whether I should send him another email tomorrow, if I haven't heard back from him and ask him something along the lines of whether he was planning on emailing me back and why he invited me somewhere if he wasn't intending to go?

I'm not too sure though. I did only tell him if I was back home and if he hadn't met someone new because I wouldn't find it easy to hear him going on about someone else. So now I wonder if he's met someone new and that's why he's chosen to ignore me.

Unless maybe he did just want to sleep with me again until he met someone new. Maybe when I told him in no uncertain terms that that wouldn't happen he thought he couldn't be bothered.

I don't know and it's likely I may never know I suppose. I just can't help wondering about it every now and again. I don't want it to be upsetting me either.

On a brighter note one of my closest mates gave birth yesterday and I'm really excited for her. Inbetween my idea of essay writing (which is actually nearly finished now, believe it or not!), playing with my dog and watching TV, I actually managed to hobble out and buy her a few bits for the baby. I ended up getting stressed when my pain got a bit much but was good to get out.

Anyway, if you can give me any advice about what you think I should do it would be really appreciated! Thanks X

I remember when me and the ex first broke up. I kept hearing that song, Breakeven, everywhere I went. It was quite depressing but I think I actually listened to the lyrics properly one day and I really felt like I related to them. That my ex was regretting everything, that he could 'see I was happy'. In a way he had 'time' and I had 'freedom'.

When we first talked he made a big thing about me being so happy at the time. How he would love to see it. He made it sound like he really missed me and wasn't happy without me.

Today I heard that song again. It seemed to just grab me. When you feel like you can really relate to something. That's how I felt. It got me thinking a bit. Maybe it was the other way round now. Maybe I'm the one that's got 'time' whilst he's got 'freedom'. I suppose in a sense it's right. If I hadn't had this accident I would have freedom too though. I also thought maybe, when he was the one that had had 'time' he'd made the effort, got in touch with me.

On Friday I sent him an email asking him whether we were still going to meet up. I sent it to his work address, like I've sent many emails before. He didn't reply. I have been a bit busy so hadn't really thought about it. Until I heard that song again. I know he see's that 'mate' of his over the weekends. The mate who told me he didn't 'give a fuck what happened' to my ex, that he has 'better mates who he actually likes', something along those lines. Funny how they only really see each other when we've been split up.

Anyway I'm just going to get wound up by that mate if I think about him too much. It's probably best if I forget him if I want to get a good nights sleep. Back to my point, if you can call it a point. I sometimes feel that he does things influenced by this so called mate. I don't know if he's playing some kind of game with me or whether he's asking his 'mate' what to do and just ignoring me, whether he doesn't know if he wants to go anymore. I'm not sure. It was all his idea to meet up after all. I sent that email on Friday because whilst online the night before he had started talking to me on IM. He asked how I was and how I was managing and whether I was still at my parent's. When I asked him how he was in return he told me he was okay but a bit lonely. I wasn't particularly responsive and I think my exact words at that point were 'oh ok'. I wasn't really sure what he wanted me to say though. So I felt a bit bad for being so blunt as I obviously do like talking to him and do care about him so I sent that email to see whether he was still considering going.

Now with no reply I do feel a bit gutted. Maybe I shouldn't, I suppose I haven't always replied to him straight away. Or even the first time he's tried to get in contact. Once I think I had about 18 missed calls and 4 texts from him in about the space of an hour. I suppose I just want to know what's going on. I almost feel that I don't want to go now if he couldn't be bothered to reply in the 5 hours he had before he went home. I know it's petty. I know I'm probably acting a bit irratic about it. Especially as I hadn't even been thinking about it today. I had been getting over my short suffering of flu I had the last few days and catching up on all my uni work and with mates. Been having quite a good few days, getting a lot done. Until that song came on. If only I hadn't heard that song...

I'm completely knackered. Again, I don't seem to have really done anything especially tiring or achieved much either. I woke up at a reasonable time after at least 7 hours of sleep and fell asleep for another 20 minutes or so. I got up at 9 to sort a few things out by phone and then this girl who I'd been quite good mates with until about the time she spat at my ex-boyfriend on my birthday one year and couldn't tell me one single reason why she'd felt the need to do it, rang.

Turns out that she hadn't suddenly felt copious amounts of guilt and was sorry for all the trouble she had caused that night, nor was she sorry for constantly calling my ex a prick or various other names. She wasn't calling just to catch up on 'old times' or because she's heard I'd had an accident and wanted to check I was okay either. Infact she didn't ask how I was once.

Instead she told me how annoying it was that the bailiff's, on behalf of the electricity company of our last shared house, were ringing her constantly everyday. That she was getting sick of it and it was becoming quite stressful. Yes I agreed, it wasn't nice. I'd put up with it for 6 months - six months of being threatened, feeling bullied and understress, when I had been first to pay my share. When I had tried to get in touch with everyone, try to get people to pay their shares she hadn't seemed bothered to reply to my emails or return my calls.

Now it seems as if she wants me to sort it for her. I spent so long trying to get this sorted and ended up so stressed about it that apparently my dad was talking about paying off the remaining debt (that belonged to a few of my other housemates) just because he was concerned at how upset and stressed it was making me. I only found that out a few hours ago but it gave me a good feeling, to know how much they care. I am glad he didn't end up paying it though because I was determined I wouldn't pay just because someone else didn't want to and I would have ended up feeling guilty about it.

Anyway, the girl who rang me told me that it was another girl, who she was closest to, who hadn't paid and she didn't intend on paying either. She said she didn't know what to do. I gave her this girls home address and phone number of her parents and that's all I can really do. I'm not willingly taking on that stress again, I've already got more than enough for me to deal with at the moment.

I think other than that though everything's been pretty good. Still get the odd wonder about the ex and still not at all sure what to do. Feel a bit like he's finally decided to get on with his life so I should forget him and get on with mine. Maybe it is for the best. Only it does upset me. Maybe I still don't know what I want.

I've been finding it hard to stay awake all day and now I'm not sure if I feel like I can sleep. Hopefully once I get into bed I will. Funny how I either seem to be desperately trying to get to sleep or desperately trying to stay awake these days.

I had a few up and down moments today. Generally thinking about my ex. Just as I seemed to be doing so well. I guess it will take time and I should just think how I tend to be feeling a lot better overall and that these down moments are just a blip.

There are times during the day where I've thought about the ex and feel upset. I wonder whether we will see each other again. I never ended up emailing him over the weekend. I was just too busy and I never had the chance to get upset. Then I wonder if we're still supposed to be meeting and whether I'll be physically able to if we are. Or if I want to. Other times I just think 'right, that's it. He's getting on with his life and I'm getting on with mine. I don't want to be held back by someone who never knows what they want or what to do with themselves. Someone who seems to drop everything for their someone they think is their best mate' - the best mate who when they had an arguement a few years ago tried to get off with me and later asked me to leave with him to 'go somewhere else together', when I told him I was in no way interested and that I didn't think my ex would be too pleased with him he said some really horrible and hurtful things to me about my ex. How my ex 'wasn't a proper friend' and how he 'didn't give a fuck about him or what he thought', how he 'didn't care if he never saw him again' and how supposenly my ex is 'a fucking prick' being amongst other comments. This 'friend' then spoke to me a few days later, to 'check how I was after the other night'. Something he had never done before.

They weren't talking so I never repeated these words to my ex. It hurt me to just think what this 'friend' had said and I figured there was no point in bringing it all up. I didn't want my ex to be hurt anymore than he already was at the fact they weren't talking. I didn't even know how to tell him. I imagined how much it would hurt me to hear that one of my friends had said the same things and I just couldn't do it. Maybe it was wrong of me, maybe I should have told him but I was a few years younger and didn't really know what to do. Maybe if I'd even told him a watered down version. I thought the fact they weren't talking kind of solved it for me.

Then when they finally started talking again, it was too late to bring anything up. I spoke to a mate and asked what she thought as well and we decided it may be a bit late now, it might look a bit suspect to suddenly say something months later. It would look like I was stirring things. This friend of my ex would make snide comments to me. Have little digs at me. Make me feel inferior. Like he didn't want me about. All when my ex wasn't about of course. He's even told my ex he doesn't like me. Yet infront of my ex he seems to make all the right noises, almost makes me think I'm imagining how he is when my ex isn't about - invites us both to places, asks him how I am. When the ex isn't around for even a few minutes though I know I'm not imagining anything, he'll compare me to my exes ex. Make snide remarks. If we're on a night out and I nip to the toilet, by the time I'm back he'd have managed to get my ex chatting to another girl and give me a little snidey smile as I return. I know it sounds like I'm being paranoid, not wanting him to go out but my ex always behaves differently when with this one particular 'mate', if we had an arguement it was only ever after my ex had been with him or we had both been out together with this 'mate'. He never acted differently with his other mates, if we were both with his other mates he would still show me affection but not with this best mate.

Aside from all the other stuff, attempting to break us up, saying some really hateful and hurtful things, he's still not acting very matey. I never used to stop my ex from seeing this mate or bitch about him but I made it clear I would prefer not to spend time with him. My ex knows I don't like this friend of his but can't figure out why. In his eyes his mate can do no wrong. He's asked me but so long has gone on I can't help but think it's too late to explain now. Yet his mate only seems to want him when he's not spending time with his girlfriend. He just uses my ex when it's convienent for him, then drops him just as quick. Surely that's not a true friend?

This mate seems to think that being tied down with a girlfriend is a bad thing, tells my ex that it is and laughs that people do it. Yet the mate lives at his girlfriends so much he's moved most his stuff there. Since spending more time with this 'mate' my ex seems to believe the same thing. Last week this mate of his sends me an email. Asking me if I'm ignoring him, how I am and what I'm up to. I find this slightly weird considering he 'doesn't like me',and he has a girlfriend. I started to reply but in the end I just deleted it, tried to forget about it. I thought it was better than wondering why it had been emailed to me. Whether it was some kind of joke. Whether my ex was in on it. I'm really confused with what this 'mate' of ex wants? Why would he email me so randomly? What's his problem? He didn't like me and now that I'm no longer seeing my ex there is no reason whatsoever for him to want to make me feel uncomfortable or cause any trouble.

All I wanted was to stop my ex from getting hurt. Maybe I just made it worse though. Maybe if something happens now, it'll hurt him even more. I suppose I was trying to protect him. I don't want to see him get hurt. Even now, when he's hurt me, I can't stand thinking about him getting hurt. I care too much. I don't want this 'mate' to hurt him. Why does it upset me so much to think he will? Why do I care so much?

My ex just seems influenced by this bloke so much and I really wonder whether I should be bothered about someone who can't think for themself anymore, yet I do miss him. Too much. I haven't spent that long feeling upset about this, just a few minutes maybe two or three times today. I accept that's bound to happen, a few blips every so often and I suppose it's part of the healing process. Maybe it won't be long before that 2 or 3 times will become 2 or 3 times a month.

I'm not entirely sure anymore whether I want to meet up next week at the moment because I think it may just be too painful for me at the moment so I have held back emailing him just yet. I don't really have much to say right now. Maybe tomorrow or Wednesday though.

I seem to be excessively sleeping these days. I'm talking about a good 12 or 13 hours sleep. I wake up at an earlyish time and think 'I'm tired still, another hour or two won't hurt'. Then I wake up again at some time between 9.00/10ish and the next thing I know it's gone midday/1pm. I was having trouble sleeping not long ago so hopefully I'm just catching up and not getting into a habit of oversleeping.

Other than that things seem to be pretty good. My dog seems okay, hopping about (a bit like me I suppose!) and her wound's stopped bleeding. I'm hoping that I complete my essay soon and should probably start applying for a few jobs for when I finish uni but haven't got quite that far yet. I seem to be writing quite a lot recently but it does make me feel better. Reckon I will try to get some sleep and not wake up stupidly late then!

Had a pretty good day today.

My brother gave me a ring earlier to see if I wanted to go to football with him and my other brother seeing as they had a spare ticket. I think the last football match I went to was to watch an England friendly at Wembley so I was quite looking forward to it.

We had a 'short' walk (hobble) from the car to the stadium, which under normal circumstances would have taken no time at all but with crutches I could only go so fast. Even the pain (plus the pain I'll probably have tomorrow) was worth it - I ended up walking quite a way compared to how much I've normally been walking recently, made my pelvis hurt more and all my hands, arms and shoulders ache from the crutches. I'm glad I went, I feel good for getting out and really enjoyed myself. Mentally it did me good anyway. Although crutches in a football stadium was quite an experience - one that is probably left best unrepeated!

We picked my dog up from the vets a few hours after that and she was so scared. I was holding her in the car and I don't think she stopped shaking until she was actually back inside the house. Still, she seems quite happy now. Apparently they've managed to fix it up for the time being but they could only do so much today (I guess that's to do with it being the Bank Holiday) and told us to bring her back on Wednesday. I just went to check on her and she seemed to be bleeding from around one of her stiches though so I cleaned it and put her in her bed and left her - if we stay with her she tends to want to play and go a bit mental, running all over the place. Left on her own she usually settles down quite quickly.

According to my horoscope I shouldn't feel bad if I 'take a day off from being productive' today. I didn't feel bad at all but I also didn't really feel bad when I wasn't very productive the last couple of days either...I suppose a day out is good for me, especially if it helps clear my head but I should really get down to that essay of mine!

Pretty active day to what I'm used to recently.

Started off pretty well but as I was trying to complete (start..) my essay my computer kept going funny and I realised that if I wanted to get anywhere with my work I'd either be buying a new computer or buying some new parts for it. Luckily my mum was about to give me a lift. We're waiting around in the shop and one of the shop assistants suddenly bought me a chair - To be honest I'm not used to having people see you're not coping and going out of their way to help out, although I did really appreciate it. It's all too often people seem to be too busy to help anyone in need though and then I wondered how much out of my way I would have gone to help someone else in the same situation. Later on, as I was waiting around for my mum, a member of the public went to walk past me then stopped and turned back to check that I was okay and ask if I needed any assistance anywhere. It was really nice to know that there are still some really decent people around, people that will help you even if they may never see you again and for some reason it did make me feel quite happy - kind of restored a bit of faith in the way people can treat each other just those actions. It's only a little gesture but it's just really nice.

I managed to get the bits I needed and fixed my computer so I can finally crack on with it, I did managed to wrote a sort of plan for what I intend to do so hopefully that'll help a bit.

My little dog, who we rescued a few months ago, had a surprise trip to the vets earlier. Her last owner had broken her leg and mistreated her so much - she had fur missing, the fur she did have was a mess, her skin was a state and she was scared of everything. She looks a lot better now and is much more friendly and isn't as scared anymore. We had her leg operated on (infact we came out of hospital the same day!) and we assumed she'd be okay but we noticed she was still limping quite badly. This morning she was sitting on my lap and when she got down I noticed a spot of blood on my leg but couldn't find anything wrong with her. Later on my dad noticed as well and where they've operated there's a massive swelling and it's all ripped open (my dad reckons you can see the bone - I haven't wanted to check whether that's true or now). Apparently they told him that it looks like 'the procedure may have gone a little wrong' and that she may have to have a emergency operation first thing tomorrow morning, after all the x-rays and that have been checked. Hopefully it'll all go okay. You wouldn't have guessed though - she's still happy and runs about mentally if we don't stop her but I suppose if her leg was broken before we took her in, she's probably used to it hurting her now. It's sickening how some people treat animals, it's not as if they're forced on you - if you don't want to look after them, don't get it.

I rang my landlord today and gave my one months notice to move out. I'm a bit sad, I've enjoyed living in my flat but because of my accident I'm not really there at the moment and I can't pay for something I'm not using - especially as I'm not earning, lol. I think I'll have to move back to my parents and then when I can move in with mates for a year or so before getting my own place again. I'll miss it there though, so a bit of a sad moment.

Since I haven't really been out much or moved much since I've been out of hospital my 'hectic' day today has caused my pain to get a lot worse again. Mentally it was really good to get out though. I'm off to bed in a minute though, so hopefully after a good sleep it will have eased off a bit.

Well, after my amazing plan to get myself up early and work hard on my essay, I ended up hardly working instead. I had good intentions, I just didn't get very far, lol. Considering I didn't really do much though, I still feel a lot better.

It's been a bit of a long day though and I only had about 3 hours sleep so am feeling completely knackered, which hopefully means that I'll sleep well tonight. I don't feel nearly as stressed about my work and what I have left to do as I did the last week or so. I think that now I have an idea of what I'm doing and I know there isn't as much as a rush as I thought there was I feel slightly more relaxed about everything.

Trouble is, that I usually work best as night, whether my deadline's the next day or it's weeks away, I find that at night I end up just getting on with my work and I can spend hours doing it and not even really realising. Wouldn't be so bad normally but at the moment I'm trying to sort my sleeping pattern out so I suppose I'm just going to have to set myself down over the next few days, make sure there's no distractions and just get on with it.

I've managed to break my speakers somehow, not exactly sure how though, so I've spent the day singing to myself instead and it's not really the same at all, lol. Since I went a bit mental online shopping the other day as well I don't really have the funds to splash out on any new ones for a while so hopefully they're just being a bit temperamental.

I actually almost feel like I could get to sleep about now. Makes quite a change from normal! I think I'll do a bit more work and then just laze around for a bit. Hopefully a bit more of a productive day tomorrow though.

Just making a plan of what you are going to do can help so much.

After allowing myself to get quite low, I suddenly realised that if I wasn't careful I would end up not being able to snap out of it. My mum had already been worried that I was getting depressed a few weeks ago and the more I thought about it the more I realised I was likely to if I carried on allowing myself to constantly be wondering what the ex was thinking, if he was as upset as me, if he still misses me, if he was wondering why I hadn't emailed.

I'm planning to use the weekend to finish my essay but to get out of the house, even for short periods of time. I've got a few things on my list that don't have to be done for a while so will just concentrate on making sure I'm not sleeping half the day or wondering about the ex.

The next few days both my parents are around so I will be get out a bit more and a mate and at least one of my brothers is coming round to see me, so shouldn't go as completely mental as I have been.

Then there's the all important subject of that email I'm going to send the ex. Just the fact that I've decided to send it has made me feel happier. I want to work out exactly how I'm feeling and what I want, so now that my minds a bit clearer I may find that slightly easier. I don't want to do it as a spur of the moment thing because I don't want to end up sounding as if I'm trying to cause an arguement or stir up trouble, which I probably have the ability to do when I start typing in the heat of the moment (and did about a week ago - but he later admitted he had riled me up and apologised for it) but I think I'm going to talk it through with my mate before I send it just to make sure I've included everything and got my point across.

It's amazing how much of a difference it makes by looking at things in a positive light ☺ I already feel a lot more motivated.

So by next week i'll have sorted through all the important things on my list and should be back to an almost normal mental state!

So the plan was to forget about the ex, concentrate on uni work. Only once again I've achieved nothing today. I can't help but think about him, why hasn't he got in touch? Should I reply to his last email? Should I just leave it? Are we over for good? Why does he want to meet up? All these questions that I can't answer. I end up sitting up half the night thinking or worrying. Then of course the next day I end up asleep for most of it. Am trying to break my insane sleeping pattern but so far not doing a terribly good job of it.

I have a feeling that the ex isn't about this weekend, so if I am going to email him I should do it before then if I don't want to be sitting around wondering if he's got my message or if he's going to reply. Though, the more I think about it, the more I'm not sure if I should send him one, if I'm just going to be setting myself up for disappointment should I really be prolonging it? Funny thing is that even though I hadn't thought I had made my mind up about whether to meet up with him or not, I've already been mentally planning my outfit. Does this mean I subconsciously have already decided that I'm going?

I suppose that might be to do with the fact that I haven't been out of the house since Saturday, and that was only to sit in Starbucks for a bit. The concept of actually going out somewhere is a lot more exciting when you have barely been able to move for 6 weeks and have no idea of when you will be fully mobile again.

If I hadn't had this accident I might find it easier to work out what I actually wanted and what would be best for me. Instead, I've got too much time to think and I just end up overthinking everything. Sometimes to the point of tears. I suppose having a big list of things that need to be done isn't helping me feel calm. I think that I should work out what needs to be done when and sort myself out a plan of action instead of just worrying about what I haven't done and missing the ex as well as getting back into a sensible sleeping pattern.

All this is easier said than done though ☺

Some days I just can't understand it. I feel especially crap. It can be after having a really good day/week or two as well. Today I just want to cry. I'm not entirely sure why. Maybe it's because I haven't spoken to my ex and I miss him. I was going to email him but I just don't know what to say. Maybe because I'm sick of being in pain and I just want to hurry up and get better. Maybe it's just hormones. Maybe because I've started wondering, if you break up with someone can you get back with them, however silly the reason was, however much you've sorted things out? Can you have a happy ending with someone you've got back together with?

It's weird because with other boyfriends we've split and that's been that. I've either thought 'I won't be seeing them again' or 'it's over' and then many months or even years later started talking to some of them again. As a friend, nothing more. Sure I went through the sad stages but with this ex it's so much worse. I just get this feeling that 'that's not that', that there's still something. Even if it is just us meeting up and realising what we did was for the best. I wonder if maybe I'm subconsciously hoping that when we meet we'll start to get back together again. Maybe that's why sometimes I feel heartbroken and stupid for caring so much and then at other times I just don't seem to mind.

I'm feeling a bit stressed. I always get this sort of feeling in my chest or tummy area whenever anything's bothering me. I'm not sure if I'm bothered because the ex hasn't got in contact and I'm wondering whether to talk to him. I don't know if it's purely because I'm worried about my mate who is pregnant and about to pop and all the unnecessary stress she's got at the moment, whether I'm worrying that the ex is just scared of being alone and that's the only reason he wants to meet, whether it's my mountain of uni work, the wonder of trying to work out exactly what I want with the ex or a mixture of all that.

Probably a mixture of everything. Maybe if I get it the uni work done the feeling will go away a bit. Once my mate gives birth maybe again it will feel a bit less strong. Then I can start to deal with understanding how I feel, what I want to do.

Until then I think a bit of online shopping won't hurt anyone...