http://pinkabell.blog.co.uk/en-UKMokoFeed10http://pinkabell.blog.co.uk/http://data5.blog.de/design/preview/94/6c0eae3a4a5bf9a3a4dbd75669cfaf_160x200.jpghttp://pinkabell.blog.co.uk/2009/08/26/so-many-clothes-yet-nothing-to-wear-6829823/tag:pinkabell.blog.co.uk,2009-08-26:/2009/08/26/so-many-clothes-yet-nothing-to-wear-6829823/Wed, 26 Aug 2009 22:46:36 +0200 <p>Yesterday I somehow managed to get a temporary job. It's only officially for two weeks but there's the possibility that more work will come up from it and the money's pretty good so I can't complain. I start tomorrow and suddenly realised that none of the clothes I wear are actually suitable for work. I actually had no smart trousers. I'm not sure how, I used to think I had clothes for every occasion but apparently not. I also decided I had no suitable shoes. So I had to buy some more. Two pairs actually. Just incase.</p> <p>I met up with the ex twice over the past few days. Without saying anything out of order I'd sent him quite a blunt message telling him how it was and just being honest about things. I'm not sure that he quite liked it but he told me he wanted things to work and we agreed to talk things over. We didn't exactly talk too much about our relationship and what had gone so wrong but we got on really well and had a really good time together. The next day he just didn't seem as interested when he came to see me. But I suppose the point is he did come to see me. He did tell me he was tired before hand so maybe that was just the case. I told him I didn't want to be used for sex and he asked me what I wanted. I told him I wanted things to be like they had after christmas and then see where things go. He replied "what, you want me to move in with you?". I don't know if I was too quick to say no or maybe I could have said it with a bit less force but nevermind. I told him I wanted to be seeing each other but keeping it low key for the time being. That I wanted to feel secure that I wasn't just being used for the time being. He seemed fine with that at the time but now I'm not so sure if he just said so to keep me happy and maybe he thinks I was too forward. I only want him to be completely straight with me and have asked him to be. I guess I just need to trust that he is and that he is just overtired. I know that I'm a bit wary of him hurting me again but I've already distanced myself from him once by being overcautious. </p> <p>I think it's time I got myself ready for tomorrow. Am actually quite glad to be getting out of the house and meeting new people! Not so excited about the thought of the alarm going off tomorrow morning though - don't suppose anyone really is though, lol. </p> <p> <small> <a href="http://pinkabell.blog.co.uk/2009/08/26/so-many-clothes-yet-nothing-to-wear-6829823/#comments">Comments</a> </small> </p>http://pinkabell.blog.co.uk/2009/08/26/so-many-clothes-yet-nothing-to-wear-6829823/#commentshttp://pinkabell.blog.co.uk/2009/08/12/dissertations-and-short-notes-6708795/tag:pinkabell.blog.co.uk,2009-08-12:/2009/08/12/dissertations-and-short-notes-6708795/Wed, 12 Aug 2009 15:25:10 +0200 <p>How is it that I can feel like I've spent all day doing work on my dissertation, yet in reality I've barely written a thing?</p> <p>If I begin writing on here or send a short text to a mate I can usually end up writing a small essay.</p> <p>10,000 words and it feels like I'm barely halfway there. Ask me a question about anything else and I want to spout out a load of random stuff. I only want to have achieved another 1000 words today and I'll be pleased.</p> <p>Due to my pelvis I got an extention. At about this point when everyone else was handing there's in, they were in a state of panic. Yet I haven't reached that stage yet. I almost wish I had, then maybe I'd find it easier to get on with some work.</p> <p>It feels like it's been part of me for so long, I can't actually imagine life without the dissertation hanging over me. Although, this time next week it'll all be completed and unless I do decide to do a masters then I won't have to write another essay again.</p> <p> <small> <a href="http://pinkabell.blog.co.uk/2009/08/12/dissertations-and-short-notes-6708795/#comments">Comments</a> </small> </p>lifehttp://pinkabell.blog.co.uk/2009/08/12/dissertations-and-short-notes-6708795/#commentshttp://pinkabell.blog.co.uk/2009/08/12/why-6703880/tag:pinkabell.blog.co.uk,2009-08-11:/2009/08/12/why-6703880/Wed, 12 Aug 2009 00:51:19 +0200 <p>Sometimes, when I'm alone and probably been thinking too much I find myself in tears.<br> Thinking about the ex. It's been eight months since we broke up. Five months since we stopped 'seeing each other'. Nearly a month since he sprung it on me (whilst sober) that we were, infact 'seeing each other'. Five days since he questioned when he said that. Three days since I last saw him. </p> <p>Why do I get upset?<br> Is it overtiredness?<br> Stress of my work due in next week?<br> Do I miss him?<br> Do I find it slightly hard to trust everything he says?<br> Is it just at how much he's pissing me around?<br> The fact that he constantly seems to be telling me how well he treated/treats me?<br> The fact that he is actually acting like a prick?</p> <p>I don't know.</p> <p>I don't even know what <em>I</em> want anymore. </p> <p>I plan not to contact him though. Easier said than done. I will try to be strong. But I don't know what to do if he gets in touch. I doubt he will. I really don't think he cares anymore. If he ever did. Probably for the best if he doesn't, yet I'll be gutted about it. I already think I am.</p> <p>I really don't know why it's all suddenly getting to me again though.<br> Once, I had a guard up. Protecting me from getting hurt again. Have I got too attached again?<br> It's been ages since I've been upset over him. Why start again now? </p> <p> <small> <a href="http://pinkabell.blog.co.uk/2009/08/12/why-6703880/#comments">Comments</a> </small> </p>lovehttp://pinkabell.blog.co.uk/2009/08/12/why-6703880/#commentshttp://pinkabell.blog.co.uk/2009/07/05/coughs-6455196/tag:pinkabell.blog.co.uk,2009-07-05:/2009/07/05/coughs-6455196/Sun, 05 Jul 2009 20:45:26 +0200 <p>I have had the most irritating cough the past few days.</p> <p>In an attempt to get rid of it I have tried:<br> -<strong>Two</strong> types of chesty cough medicine (one blackcurrent flavour and one crap flavour it would seem)<br> -Ice cream<br> -More ice cream<br> -Drinking water<br> -Drinking lemon and ginger<br> -Eating raw ginger<br> -Honey<br> -Honey and Lemon Lemsip<br> -Sitting in all sorts of ways</p> <p>Yet I was still awake at 6 this morning desperately trying to get some sleep. Lets hope tonight is better, yes.</p> <p> <small> <a href="http://pinkabell.blog.co.uk/2009/07/05/coughs-6455196/#comments">Comments</a> </small> </p>coughinghttp://pinkabell.blog.co.uk/2009/07/05/coughs-6455196/#commentshttp://pinkabell.blog.co.uk/2009/07/04/and-tomorrow-i-diet-6449487/tag:pinkabell.blog.co.uk,2009-07-04:/2009/07/04/and-tomorrow-i-diet-6449487/Sat, 04 Jul 2009 22:59:36 +0200 <p><img src="http://data5.blog.de/media/854/3655854_03c17df2d9_m.gif" alt="diet book"></p> <p>I think I've started eating more due to a certain dissertation that I haven't finished yet. </p> <p> <small> <a href="http://pinkabell.blog.co.uk/2009/07/04/and-tomorrow-i-diet-6449487/#comments">Comments</a> </small> </p>http://pinkabell.blog.co.uk/2009/07/04/and-tomorrow-i-diet-6449487/#commentshttp://pinkabell.blog.co.uk/2009/07/04/do-i-6448859/tag:pinkabell.blog.co.uk,2009-07-04:/2009/07/04/do-i-6448859/Sat, 04 Jul 2009 20:39:06 +0200 <p><a href="http://doihavepigflu.com/">http://doihavepigflu.com/</a> </p> <p> <small> <a href="http://pinkabell.blog.co.uk/2009/07/04/do-i-6448859/#comments">Comments</a> </small> </p>http://pinkabell.blog.co.uk/2009/07/04/do-i-6448859/#commentshttp://pinkabell.blog.co.uk/2009/07/04/new-chapter-6446987/tag:pinkabell.blog.co.uk,2009-07-04:/2009/07/04/new-chapter-6446987/Sat, 04 Jul 2009 12:40:14 +0200 <p><img src="http://data5.blog.de/media/389/3654389_1c01506b36_m.jpeg" alt="move on"> </p> <p> <small> <a href="http://pinkabell.blog.co.uk/2009/07/04/new-chapter-6446987/#comments">Comments</a> </small> </p>lovelifehttp://pinkabell.blog.co.uk/2009/07/04/new-chapter-6446987/#commentshttp://pinkabell.blog.co.uk/2009/05/25/i-seem-to-have-done-a-whole-lot-of-nothing-6173992/tag:pinkabell.blog.co.uk,2009-05-25:/2009/05/25/i-seem-to-have-done-a-whole-lot-of-nothing-6173992/Mon, 25 May 2009 13:58:12 +0200 <p>I seem to have been constantly busy but done a whole lot of nothing in the past two weeks.</p> <p>I've been to a few house viewings and met up with mates a few times and been able to cross a few things of my list that just hadn't been getting done. I've also managed to see the ex probably too much. He messaged me a Saturday or two back to tell me that he thought we needed to talk and could he come over. I told him he could and he arrived not too long later. We almost slept together again but I stopped us. He then out and bought some food and a bottle of wine, cooked for me again and later on we ended up sleeping together again. Then for pretty much the rest of the week he invited me over when he was back from work to stay over. Everything was pretty good then on the Friday night I attempted to ditch the crutches and went out with a mate - nothing too mental just a few drinks in a few different pubs and bars. Ended up bumping into the ex who had just come out for a few drinks on his own. He came over to talk to us and said it was a bit awkward, which of course then made me feel awkward. He asked where my crutches were and then said he felt like I had lied to him - I'm not sure why or how he thought I would want to lie about being like this for the three months or so I've been unable to walk, it hasn't exactly been my idea of fun. He then asked if I was out on the pull or whether I was now that I seen him. Not that I see what's it to do with him if I was. He seemed really cold and almost like he resented me being out and I felt pissed off but didn't want him to ruin my first major outing in months. He finished his drink and left us which my friend found a bit odd but in the mood he was in was probably for the best. We stayed out for a bit but I was hurting pretty badly and we ended up leaving a bit after midnight. I ended up not being able to sleep all night because I was hurting so much and still am but I'm glad I went out, it really did cheer me up! Still, think I'll be sticking with the crutches for a little bit longer! </p> <p>On the Saturday I gave the ex a text and told him I wanted to talk and asked when he was able to come over. He replied and told me he was out all that day (which I already knew so wasn't bothered) but that he would see what time he got back. He didn't end up texting me back til Monday morning which I think was pretty crap of him and told him so when I spoke to him later that day - he could have told me on Saturday that that was his intentions. Anyway I ended up at a BBQ, enjoying the sun and seeing a few mates I haven't seen for a while so that was all really good and I was pretty happy.</p> <p>When I received the message from the ex I text him back a bit later telling him that I was busy (I wanted to get some work done first) and that I would let him know when I was available. When I did let him know he told me he had gone back to his parent's for a few hours but would come see me after that. I felt that he was just pissing me around and told him not to bother because it obviously wasn't important to him (maybe not the most mature response but I felt pretty pissed off right then). He got back to me almost instantly and said that it was important and that he had waited an hour for me to reply before he left (oops).</p> <p>When he did turn up we ended up sleeping together yet again - becoming a pretty standard thing now. Anyway, I managed to have my talk with him...not sure if it really achieved much but I told him he was out of order for making out that I'd lied to him about my accident and my recovery and that I had had been in agony that night and the next day at which point he said 'good' - I really get the feeling he doesn't like the idea of me being able to go out and about. Obviously this didn't go down to well and I went a bit mental at him, telling him that he knew exactly how much pain and a crap time I'd had the last few months and that he knew I was frustrated at not being able to do my usual stuff, that he was being a complete prick to me, that I thought he would have understood what going out would have meant to me - especially after so many months, that he had made things awkward on Friday and that it was a really nasty thing to say that he was glad I was in pain. I told him that he didn't seem to have a problem with me driving over to see him and that I shouldn't really be driving either but if I didn't do these things I would go crazy.</p> <p>He listened to me and went quiet for a few seconds and then apologised. So maybe I actually got through to him. I then told him how I was feeling and that I didn't want him to be using me just for sex and sometimes I wondered if that was all he wanted to see me for. I asked him if we would bother meeting up when one of us starts seeing someone else and when he said that we wouldn't be able to I told him that that suggests we are just meeting for sex. I told him that I felt I was almost being unfaithful or something for chatting to blokes that I know are interested in me. I told him that I felt like he was messing me around completely and asked him what he wanted. He told me he just didn't know. He told me that he hadn't been happy for ages and when I asked why he said that he used to have a brilliant girlfriend and he doesn't anymore. I asked him whether he missed having a girlfriend or whether it was me specifically and he told me it was me. He told me that he enjoyed my company and again when I asked if anybodies company would do or if it was mine specifically he said mine. I didn't intend to but I ended up getting pretty upset during this chat and he kept kissing and hugging me - more bloody mixed messages, lol. He said he didn't want to upset me and that if I felt it was for the best, maybe we shouldn't meet up anymore, although it would upset him but I should have a think and decide what's best for me. </p> <p>He wouldn't leave until he knew I was feeling a bit happier and not crying anymore. I just feel a bit confused about his behaviour. He looked through all my photos of when we've been broken up and asks me about any blokes that happen to be in a picture with me and whether I've slept with any of them. Then he asked about whether anyone had been texting me recently. When a bloke a mate used to go out with ages ago started texting me randomly last week when I was round the ex's he wanted to know what they said and if I'd replied (which I hadn't and don't plan to). When he heard how I got chatted up just nipping to Tesco's he didn't seem impressed but told me that it was because I look vulnerable. It's like he doesn't want anyone else to talk to me and wants to try and batter my confidence or something. It's weird how he seems to be getting jealous but then can seem like he doesn't care. I've spoken to my mum a few times and told her everything that's been going on and she reckons that he may be a bit depressed and that's why his feelings or attitudes change so abruptly and that's why sometimes he makes it seem like he doesn't care.</p> <p>He ended up coming over for a few hours once again on Tuesday and once again we ended up sleeping together. The last time I managed to do my pelvis in again and was finding it impossible to walk or put any weight on it again. I didn't make too much of a fuss about it until after he left. We didn't really sort anything out, yet again but it did seem to be a pretty good night and I thought maybe I should just have a good time, concentrate on my exams and try not to work him out too much until I have a bit of time on my hands. As my pelvis pain seemed to be getting worse and I was getting abdominal shooting pains I called my out of hours doctor and asked them for some advice on what to do. Only they told me that the painkillers I already have were the strongest ones they carry so they couldn't really do much. A few hours later I noticed a bit of spotting but didn't really take much notice until I realised it had got a bit worse overnight. It's stopped completely now. I'm on the implant so I'm hoping that it's just that going a bit crazy but I have a doctors appointment for my pelvis on Monday so will mention it to them then just incase.</p> <p>Went to a house viewing with a few mates yesterday as I am now going to have to go back to sharing and we all fell in love with the place straight away and as it was really cheap and really big compared to the other places we've viewed we decided to take it. Which means that I'll have to live with my parents for another three weeks but they're away for a week of that and (pelvis permitting) I'm planning on visiting a few friends around the country so shouldn't be too bad.</p> <p>While we were at the estate agents sorting out payments and such I managed to pick up a parking ticket and as I reached my car a tow truck pulled up. Turns out I'd managed to read the sign telling me that I could park for 1 hour between certain times, seen it was after that time and thought that everything was ok. Only I completely missed the <i>little</i> sign they had placed above that sign telling me that there was to be NO parking at all other times. Tried to get in the car and drive off quickly as the tow truck bloke just seemed to be chatting on his phone. Only as I opened the door to my car I managed to drop my keys under my car and ended up lying on the road as I tried to get them back. All of this whilst on crutches. Pretty crap but I can't really complain since I should have read the sign properly and considering there have been times when I have parked where I shouldn't for a few minutes and risked it, I suppose it evens itself out. Plus at least I didn't have to pay for being towed away. I can laugh about it now though.</p> <p>Had an exam today. That actually didn't go to badly (I think). I suppose I'll find out exactly how well in a month or two but I got down everything I planned to so hopefully should do okay. Got another two next week and then, as long as there's no resits, all I've got left is my dissertation. Ended up sitting in the sun with a few drinks with one of my mates and just having a good chat. </p> <p>The ex came over again tonight and (surprise surprise) we ended up sleeping together again. I don't know if I was just feeling tired or stressed or because I'm aching a bit and still a bit worried about Tuesday or because I feel confused about what's going on between us or what but I just didn't really feel like I was getting into it. I haven't actually felt this way about sex with him for about a year and then I know what the reason was (I went through a bit of a difficult time and was quite delicate and upset for a while) so I wasn't too concerned. He seemed pretty tired too and as we laid down to watch TV he hugged me but kept falling asleep and we didn't really talk as much as usual so maybe it was just an off day. It's weird though even though we're not going out, when we are together it does feel like back in the early days of our relationship, only we are a lot more comfortable with each other now. I just have to make sure I don't start believing everything's going amazingly again, only to get really badly hurt again. I think that what happens when I got back to my parent's for those three weeks next week might just show what I mean to him so maybe that will help me realise exactly what I want too.</p> <p>Managed a pretty long rant there but it does feel good to get things a bit clearer in my head <img src="/img/smilies/icon_smile.gif" alt=":)" class="middle" border="0"></p> <p> <small> <a href="http://pinkabell.blog.co.uk/2009/05/25/i-seem-to-have-done-a-whole-lot-of-nothing-6173992/#comments">Comments</a> </small> </p>lifeloveleisurehttp://pinkabell.blog.co.uk/2009/05/25/i-seem-to-have-done-a-whole-lot-of-nothing-6173992/#commentshttp://pinkabell.blog.co.uk/2009/05/15/food-6120197/tag:pinkabell.blog.co.uk,2009-05-15:/2009/05/15/food-6120197/Fri, 15 May 2009 13:42:44 +0200 <p>Funny, since the ex came over and couldn't stop commenting on my 'dramatic weight loss' in the last two months and how he was worried, I've felt like I've eaten a mountain of stuff and now feel really full all the time.</p> <p>Before I finally came back home my mum had made a few remarks about how skinny I'd got and to make sure I ate properly (no worry about that now!) and I didn't really think too much about it, just thought it was a usual mum thing to say - making sure I look after myself.</p> <p>I think the fact that he made so much of a fuss about it though and the fact that I didn't think I'd lost as much weight as he seemed to be making out worried me that I was slipping into a dangerous pattern of not noticing that I was eating less and less, which thinking about it I possibly might have been. So I went out and ate three big sausage rolls, a sandwich, half a bag of grapes and a rice crispy cake just in case.</p> <p>Hopefully that's sorted then! </p> <p> <small> <a href="http://pinkabell.blog.co.uk/2009/05/15/food-6120197/#comments">Comments</a> </small> </p>foodhttp://pinkabell.blog.co.uk/2009/05/15/food-6120197/#commentshttp://pinkabell.blog.co.uk/2009/05/14/dinner-6117442/tag:pinkabell.blog.co.uk,2009-05-14:/2009/05/14/dinner-6117442/Thu, 14 May 2009 22:41:02 +0200 <p>I am finally back in my own flat. For the last few weeks.<br> My parents agreed that I was probably able to get about enough to come back and that I would probably be a lot happier being able to see friends than being stuck with them. So, seeing how it goes but even when I do struggle a bit am much preferring being back.</p> <p>I went to meet my friend who had just given birth a few days earlier on Tuesday. She was quite upset because they thought she had to be rushed back into hospital but at the moment everything seems okay and her daughter is beautiful. The ex was going to come around for dinner but because this happened I ended up not being able to make it. I told him what had happened and that I could do the next night if he wasn't busy. He soon responded and said that he had plans with a mate but would be able to get out of them because he wasn't really bothered about seeing him and that he would come straight from work if that was okay with me, also asking what I fancied him bringing over for dinner.</p> <p>He turned up as expected and commented on how skinny I was and asked how. He kept asking what I was doing and saying he was worried about me because he didn't think it was right and that I hadn't ever been like that when we were together. He gave me a hug and asked if I'd missed him and I nodded. Then we just talked crap for a bit and it just felt so right and so normal again, like there was nothing wrong between us and that we were still together and we ended up kissing, which kept nearly leading on. I kept managing to stop and tell him that we shouldn't and we would stop but then one of us would start up again and before long it did end up in us sleeping together.</p> <p>I hurt my pelvis quite a bit more but I still carried on. After we cuddled for ages and then finally got up and made dinner. He pretty much did everything and when I attempted to struggle with taking everything to the table on my crutches, he quickly took it all off me and did it for me and told me to sit down. After dinner we watched TV together and ended up sleeping together again before watching TV again. He kept checking that I was okay and that I was comfortable because I think by this point I had pretty much overdone it on my pelvis.</p> <p>I know it was wrong. I know I shouldn't have. I really hadn't meant to. I had told myself that I wouldn't do it so many times. I suppose I just got caught up in the moment(s). It's something that seems to happen most of the time when we're together and when we were actually in a relationship there was no problem, I thought it was probably quite healthy. It's only with each other (I hope, lol) and I thought it really showed how well we went. That and the fact that we get on so well anyway, just talking or doing anything else together. I'm annoyed at myself for letting myself get so caught up and maybe slightly annoyed at him because he knew that I was concerned about feeling used before so I feel that he hasn't really done anything to help right now. I know that I can't really blame him though because I agreed and wanted it as much as him at the time. I suppose I'm just a bit angry at myself that I've let myself been walked over and now I don't know where I stand. Still I suppose I've done it now and I suffered enough last night when I couldn't sleep due to the pain in my pelvis, I can't keep thinking about it.</p> <p>After a while watching TV he had to drive back home because he had work this morning and I knew that he would be leaving that night and around that time so wasn't too bothered about that and when he did leave he came back to give me a kiss because I couldn't really move. </p> <p>The whole thing felt so much like old times, I felt so happy and everything just seemed right. It was only just before he left that I thought what an idiot I'd been and how I wondered if I was being used that I felt a bit sad about everything. I wondered if that was just because I was assuming the worst though, that it was making me feel worse. I've done that enough times in the last few months with my pelvis and depending on my way of thinking at the time can top of the world or really low. If we'd still been together I wouldn't have felt at all used and I would just have been happy to spend some extra time with him.</p> <p>I spoke to a few friends and they (luckily) sympathized, which did make me feel better but they did advise me that next time we meet up to do it in a public place so that we actually talk. Doing that might help me realise whether I am being used or not. Maybe. If there's no chance of sex and he doesn't come then I suppose I'll have my answer. Still, after the pain I went through last night and today I'm not sure I'll be quite so up for anything until I am sure I'm healed. I may have learnt that in reality things aren't always as simple as you think they will be or work out as they should but that's one thing I think I can promise myself until my pelvis has recovered.</p> <p>Despite having a moan, my feelings of doubt about being used right at the end of the night and the sleepless night I had telling myself what an idiot I am because of the pain I was in, I did actually have a really good time. Although it does make me miss him more and a bit more confused (how he cancelled his mate and made sure I was alright, carried everything about for me and got me anything I needed). I don't really know what's supposed to happen from here but the next few weeks for me are going to be really hectic so can't really dwell on it too much I suppose. If things start going well again then that's all good. If not then I've already spent enough time whilst I couldn't walk upset. I don't want to waste anymore time (though that's probably a lot easier to say now when I'm feeling pretty good).</p> <p>Today I've managed to do a bit of house-hunting with mates. It's been good to see everybody again, although a few hours was all I could take before the pain got to me. Doing a lot better than a few weeks ago though so things are looking up. Got another viewing tomorrow and other than that I'm just trying to catch up on work and have a clear out of my flat. It's amazing how much stuff you can accumulate in such a short amount of time. I just seem to horde things for no particular reason. Even things like text messages and email I tend to have going back years. Think I might try and get a proper nights sleep tonight as well since last night I didn't. </p> <p> <small> <a href="http://pinkabell.blog.co.uk/2009/05/14/dinner-6117442/#comments">Comments</a> </small> </p>lifelovehttp://pinkabell.blog.co.uk/2009/05/14/dinner-6117442/#commentshttp://pinkabell.blog.co.uk/2009/05/11/just-wondering-need-a-bit-of-advice-please-6094021/tag:pinkabell.blog.co.uk,2009-05-11:/2009/05/11/just-wondering-need-a-bit-of-advice-please-6094021/Mon, 11 May 2009 01:07:13 +0200 <p>Since my (slightly OTT??) post yesterday I thought about everything and in perspective I suppose I know that deep down whatever happens I'll be fine and that maybe I'm over hyping the ex in my mind because of all the times when we used to get on so well. I know that I, as well as any person, deserve to be treated well. With respect. Something the ex seems to have trouble doing recently.</p> <p>So, I did wonder briefly whether I should send him another email tomorrow, if I haven't heard back from him and ask him something along the lines of whether he was planning on emailing me back and why he invited me somewhere if he wasn't intending to go?</p> <p>I'm not too sure though. I did only tell him if I was back home and if he hadn't met someone new because I wouldn't find it easy to hear him going on about someone else. So now I wonder if he's met someone new and that's why he's chosen to ignore me.</p> <p>Unless maybe he did just want to sleep with me again until he met someone new. Maybe when I told him in no uncertain terms that that wouldn't happen he thought he couldn't be bothered.</p> <p>I don't know and it's likely I may never know I suppose. I just can't help wondering about it every now and again. I don't want it to be upsetting me either.</p> <p>On a brighter note one of my closest mates gave birth yesterday and I'm really excited for her. Inbetween my idea of essay writing (which is actually nearly finished now, believe it or not!), playing with my dog and watching TV, I actually managed to hobble out and buy her a few bits for the baby. I ended up getting stressed when my pain got a bit much but was good to get out. <img src="/img/smilies/icon_biggrin.gif" alt=":D" class="middle" border="0"></p> <p>Anyway, if you can give me any advice about what you think I should do it would be <i>really</i> appreciated! Thanks X </p> <p> <small> <a href="http://pinkabell.blog.co.uk/2009/05/11/just-wondering-need-a-bit-of-advice-please-6094021/#comments">Comments</a> </small> </p>lifelovehttp://pinkabell.blog.co.uk/2009/05/11/just-wondering-need-a-bit-of-advice-please-6094021/#commentshttp://pinkabell.blog.co.uk/2009/05/10/cos-i-got-time-while-she-got-freedom-6089088/tag:pinkabell.blog.co.uk,2009-05-09:/2009/05/10/cos-i-got-time-while-she-got-freedom-6089088/Sun, 10 May 2009 00:12:46 +0200 <p>I remember when me and the ex first broke up. I kept hearing that song, Breakeven, everywhere I went. It was quite depressing but I think I actually listened to the lyrics properly one day and I really felt like I related to them. That my ex was regretting everything, that he could 'see I was happy'. In a way he had 'time' and I had 'freedom'. </p> <p>When we first talked he made a big thing about me being so happy at the time. How he would love to see it. He made it sound like he really missed me and wasn't happy without me.</p> <p>Today I heard that song again. It seemed to just grab me. When you feel like you can really relate to something. That's how I felt. It got me thinking a bit. Maybe it was the other way round now. Maybe I'm the one that's got 'time' whilst he's got 'freedom'. I suppose in a sense it's right. If I hadn't had this accident I would have freedom too though. I also thought maybe, when he was the one that had had 'time' he'd made the effort, got in touch with me. </p> <p>On Friday I sent him an email asking him whether we were still going to meet up. I sent it to his work address, like I've sent many emails before. He didn't reply. I have been a bit busy so hadn't really thought about it. Until I heard that song again. I know he see's that 'mate' of his over the weekends. The mate who told me he didn't 'give a fuck what happened' to my ex, that he has 'better mates who he actually likes', something along those lines. Funny how they only really see each other when we've been split up.</p> <p>Anyway I'm just going to get wound up by that mate if I think about him too much. It's probably best if I forget him if I want to get a good nights sleep. Back to my point, if you can call it a point. I sometimes feel that he does things influenced by this so called mate. I don't know if he's playing some kind of game with me or whether he's asking his 'mate' what to do and just ignoring me, whether he doesn't know if he wants to go anymore. I'm not sure. It was all his idea to meet up after all. I sent that email on Friday because whilst online the night before he had started talking to me on IM. He asked how I was and how I was managing and whether I was still at my parent's. When I asked him how he was in return he told me he was okay but a bit lonely. I wasn't particularly responsive and I think my exact words at that point were 'oh ok'. I wasn't really sure what he wanted me to say though. So I felt a bit bad for being so blunt as I obviously do like talking to him and do care about him so I sent that email to see whether he was still considering going.</p> <p>Now with no reply I do feel a bit gutted. Maybe I shouldn't, I suppose I haven't always replied to him straight away. Or even the first time he's tried to get in contact. Once I think I had about 18 missed calls and 4 texts from him in about the space of an hour. I suppose I just want to know what's going on. I almost feel that I don't want to go now if he couldn't be bothered to reply in the 5 hours he had before he went home. I know it's petty. I know I'm probably acting a bit irratic about it. Especially as I hadn't even been thinking about it today. I had been getting over my short suffering of flu I had the last few days and catching up on all my uni work and with mates. Been having quite a good few days, getting a lot done. Until that song came on. If only I hadn't heard that song... </p> <p> <small> <a href="http://pinkabell.blog.co.uk/2009/05/10/cos-i-got-time-while-she-got-freedom-6089088/#comments">Comments</a> </small> </p>lovelifehttp://pinkabell.blog.co.uk/2009/05/10/cos-i-got-time-while-she-got-freedom-6089088/#commentshttp://pinkabell.blog.co.uk/2009/05/05/another-day-6065665/tag:pinkabell.blog.co.uk,2009-05-05:/2009/05/05/another-day-6065665/Tue, 05 May 2009 22:16:49 +0200 <p>I'm completely knackered. Again, I don't seem to have really done anything especially tiring or achieved much either. I woke up at a reasonable time after at least 7 hours of sleep and fell asleep for another 20 minutes or so. I got up at 9 to sort a few things out by phone and then this girl who I'd been quite good mates with until about the time she spat at my ex-boyfriend on my birthday one year and couldn't tell me one single reason why she'd felt the need to do it, rang.</p> <p>Turns out that she hadn't suddenly felt copious amounts of guilt and was sorry for all the trouble she had caused that night, nor was she sorry for constantly calling my ex a prick or various other names. She wasn't calling just to catch up on 'old times' or because she's heard I'd had an accident and wanted to check I was okay either. Infact she didn't ask how I was once.</p> <p>Instead she told me how annoying it was that the bailiff's, on behalf of the electricity company of our last shared house, were ringing her constantly everyday. That she was getting sick of it and it was becoming quite stressful. Yes I agreed, it wasn't nice. I'd put up with it for 6 months - six months of being threatened, feeling bullied and understress, when I had been first to pay my share. When I had tried to get in touch with everyone, try to get people to pay their shares she hadn't seemed bothered to reply to my emails or return my calls.</p> <p>Now it seems as if she wants me to sort it for her. I spent so long trying to get this sorted and ended up so stressed about it that apparently my dad was talking about paying off the remaining debt (that belonged to a few of my other housemates) just because he was concerned at how upset and stressed it was making me. I only found that out a few hours ago but it gave me a good feeling, to know how much they care. I am glad he didn't end up paying it though because I was determined I wouldn't pay just because someone else didn't want to and I would have ended up feeling guilty about it.</p> <p>Anyway, the girl who rang me told me that it was another girl, who she was closest to, who hadn't paid and she didn't intend on paying either. She said she didn't know what to do. I gave her this girls home address and phone number of her parents and that's all I can really do. I'm not willingly taking on that stress again, I've already got more than enough for me to deal with at the moment.</p> <p>I think other than that though everything's been pretty good. Still get the odd wonder about the ex and still not at all sure what to do. Feel a bit like he's finally decided to get on with his life so I should forget him and get on with mine. Maybe it is for the best. Only it does upset me. Maybe I still don't know what I want.</p> <p>I've been finding it hard to stay awake all day and now I'm not sure if I feel like I can sleep. Hopefully once I get into bed I will. Funny how I either seem to be desperately trying to get to sleep or desperately trying to stay awake these days. </p> <p> <small> <a href="http://pinkabell.blog.co.uk/2009/05/05/another-day-6065665/#comments">Comments</a> </small> </p>lifehttp://pinkabell.blog.co.uk/2009/05/05/another-day-6065665/#commentshttp://pinkabell.blog.co.uk/2009/05/05/just-a-blip-6059959/tag:pinkabell.blog.co.uk,2009-05-04:/2009/05/05/just-a-blip-6059959/Tue, 05 May 2009 00:17:46 +0200 <p>I had a few up and down moments today. Generally thinking about my ex. Just as I seemed to be doing so well. I guess it will take time and I should just think how I tend to be feeling a lot better overall and that these down moments are just a blip.</p> <p>There are times during the day where I've thought about the ex and feel upset. I wonder whether we will see each other again. I never ended up emailing him over the weekend. I was just too busy and I never had the chance to get upset. Then I wonder if we're still supposed to be meeting and whether I'll be physically able to if we are. Or if I want to. Other times I just think 'right, that's it. He's getting on with his life and I'm getting on with mine. I don't want to be held back by someone who never knows what they want or what to do with themselves. Someone who seems to drop everything for their someone they think is their best mate' - the best mate who when they had an arguement a few years ago tried to get off with me and later asked me to leave with him to 'go somewhere else together', when I told him I was in no way interested and that I didn't think my ex would be too pleased with him he said some really horrible and hurtful things to me about my ex. How my ex 'wasn't a proper friend' and how he 'didn't give a fuck about him or what he thought', how he 'didn't care if he never saw him again' and how supposenly my ex is 'a fucking prick' being amongst other comments. This 'friend' then spoke to me a few days later, to 'check how I was after the other night'. Something he had never done before. </p> <p>They weren't talking so I never repeated these words to my ex. It hurt me to just think what this 'friend' had said and I figured there was no point in bringing it all up. I didn't want my ex to be hurt anymore than he already was at the fact they weren't talking. I didn't even know how to tell him. I imagined how much it would hurt me to hear that one of my friends had said the same things and I just couldn't do it. Maybe it was wrong of me, maybe I should have told him but I was a few years younger and didn't really know what to do. Maybe if I'd even told him a watered down version. I thought the fact they weren't talking kind of solved it for me.</p> <p>Then when they finally started talking again, it was too late to bring anything up. I spoke to a mate and asked what she thought as well and we decided it may be a bit late now, it might look a bit suspect to suddenly say something months later. It would look like I was stirring things. This friend of my ex would make snide comments to me. Have little digs at me. Make me feel inferior. Like he didn't want me about. All when my ex wasn't about of course. He's even told my ex he doesn't like me. Yet infront of my ex he seems to make all the right noises, almost makes me think I'm imagining how he is when my ex isn't about - invites us both to places, asks him how I am. When the ex isn't around for even a few minutes though I know I'm not imagining anything, he'll compare me to my exes ex. Make snide remarks. If we're on a night out and I nip to the toilet, by the time I'm back he'd have managed to get my ex chatting to another girl and give me a little snidey smile as I return. I know it sounds like I'm being paranoid, not wanting him to go out but my ex always behaves differently when with this one particular 'mate', if we had an arguement it was only ever after my ex had been with him or we had both been out together with this 'mate'. He never acted differently with his other mates, if we were both with his other mates he would still show me affection but not with this best mate. </p> <p>Aside from all the other stuff, attempting to break us up, saying some really hateful and hurtful things, he's still not acting very matey. I never used to stop my ex from seeing this mate or bitch about him but I made it clear I would prefer not to spend time with him. My ex knows I don't like this friend of his but can't figure out why. In his eyes his mate can do no wrong. He's asked me but so long has gone on I can't help but think it's too late to explain now. Yet his mate only seems to want him when he's not spending time with his girlfriend. He just uses my ex when it's convienent for him, then drops him just as quick. Surely that's not a true friend?</p> <p>This mate seems to think that being tied down with a girlfriend is a bad thing, tells my ex that it is and laughs that people do it. Yet the mate lives at his girlfriends so much he's moved most his stuff there. Since spending more time with this 'mate' my ex seems to believe the same thing. Last week this mate of his sends me an email. Asking me if I'm ignoring him, how I am and what I'm up to. I find this slightly weird considering he 'doesn't like me',and he has a girlfriend. I started to reply but in the end I just deleted it, tried to forget about it. I thought it was better than wondering why it had been emailed to me. Whether it was some kind of joke. Whether my ex was in on it. I'm really confused with what this 'mate' of ex wants? Why would he email me so randomly? What's his problem? He didn't like me and now that I'm no longer seeing my ex there is no reason whatsoever for him to want to make me feel uncomfortable or cause any trouble.</p> <p>All I wanted was to stop my ex from getting hurt. Maybe I just made it worse though. Maybe if something happens now, it'll hurt him even more. I suppose I was trying to protect him. I don't want to see him get hurt. Even now, when he's hurt me, I can't stand thinking about him getting hurt. I care too much. I don't want this 'mate' to hurt him. Why does it upset me so much to think he will? Why do I care so much? </p> <p>My ex just seems influenced by this bloke so much and I really wonder whether I should be bothered about someone who can't think for themself anymore, yet I do miss him. Too much. I haven't spent that long feeling upset about this, just a few minutes maybe two or three times today. I accept that's bound to happen, a few blips every so often and I suppose it's part of the healing process. Maybe it won't be long before that 2 or 3 times will become 2 or 3 times a month. </p> <p>I'm not entirely sure anymore whether I want to meet up next week at the moment because I think it may just be too painful for me at the moment so I have held back emailing him just yet. I don't really have much to say right now. Maybe tomorrow or Wednesday though.</p> <p>I seem to be excessively sleeping these days. I'm talking about a good 12 or 13 hours sleep. I wake up at an earlyish time and think 'I'm tired still, another hour or two won't hurt'. Then I wake up again at some time between 9.00/10ish and the next thing I know it's gone midday/1pm. I was having trouble sleeping not long ago so hopefully I'm just catching up and not getting into a habit of oversleeping.</p> <p>Other than that things seem to be pretty good. My dog seems okay, hopping about (a bit like me I suppose!) and her wound's stopped bleeding. I'm hoping that I complete my essay soon and should probably start applying for a few jobs for when I finish uni but haven't got quite that far yet. I seem to be writing quite a lot recently but it does make me feel better. Reckon I will try to get some sleep and not wake up stupidly late then!</p> <p> <small> <a href="http://pinkabell.blog.co.uk/2009/05/05/just-a-blip-6059959/#comments">Comments</a> </small> </p>lovelifehttp://pinkabell.blog.co.uk/2009/05/05/just-a-blip-6059959/#commentshttp://pinkabell.blog.co.uk/2009/05/03/dogs-football-and-that-essay-6053146/tag:pinkabell.blog.co.uk,2009-05-03:/2009/05/03/dogs-football-and-that-essay-6053146/Sun, 03 May 2009 23:27:49 +0200 <p>Had a pretty good day today.</p> <p>My brother gave me a ring earlier to see if I wanted to go to football with him and my other brother seeing as they had a spare ticket. I think the last football match I went to was to watch an England friendly at Wembley so I was quite looking forward to it. </p> <p>We had a 'short' walk (hobble) from the car to the stadium, which under normal circumstances would have taken no time at all but with crutches I could only go so fast. Even the pain (plus the pain I'll probably have tomorrow) was worth it - I ended up walking quite a way compared to how much I've normally been walking recently, made my pelvis hurt more and all my hands, arms and shoulders ache from the crutches. I'm glad I went, I feel good for getting out and really enjoyed myself. Mentally it did me good anyway. Although crutches in a football stadium was quite an experience - one that is probably left best unrepeated!</p> <p>We picked my dog up from the vets a few hours after that and she was so scared. I was holding her in the car and I don't think she stopped shaking until she was actually back inside the house. Still, she seems quite happy now. Apparently they've managed to fix it up for the time being but they could only do so much today (I guess that's to do with it being the Bank Holiday) and told us to bring her back on Wednesday. I just went to check on her and she seemed to be bleeding from around one of her stiches though so I cleaned it and put her in her bed and left her - if we stay with her she tends to want to play and go a bit mental, running all over the place. Left on her own she usually settles down quite quickly.</p> <p>According to my horoscope I shouldn't feel bad if I 'take a day off from being productive' today. I didn't feel bad at all but I also didn't really feel bad when I wasn't very productive the last couple of days either...I suppose a day out is good for me, especially if it helps clear my head but I should really get down to that essay of mine! </p> <p> <small> <a href="http://pinkabell.blog.co.uk/2009/05/03/dogs-football-and-that-essay-6053146/#comments">Comments</a> </small> </p>lifehttp://pinkabell.blog.co.uk/2009/05/03/dogs-football-and-that-essay-6053146/#commentshttp://pinkabell.blog.co.uk/2009/05/03/all-the-little-things-6048166/tag:pinkabell.blog.co.uk,2009-05-02:/2009/05/03/all-the-little-things-6048166/Sun, 03 May 2009 00:07:25 +0200 <p>Pretty active day to what I'm used to recently.</p> <p>Started off pretty well but as I was trying to complete (start..) my essay my computer kept going funny and I realised that if I wanted to get anywhere with my work I'd either be buying a new computer or buying some new parts for it. Luckily my mum was about to give me a lift. We're waiting around in the shop and one of the shop assistants suddenly bought me a chair - To be honest I'm not used to having people see you're not coping and going out of their way to help out, although I did really appreciate it. It's all too often people seem to be too busy to help anyone in need though and then I wondered how much out of my way I would have gone to help someone else in the same situation. Later on, as I was waiting around for my mum, a member of the public went to walk past me then stopped and turned back to check that I was okay and ask if I needed any assistance anywhere. It was really nice to know that there are still some really decent people around, people that will help you even if they may never see you again and for some reason it did make me feel quite happy - kind of restored a bit of faith in the way people can treat each other just those actions. It's only a little gesture but it's just really nice. </p> <p>I managed to get the bits I needed and fixed my computer so I can finally crack on with it, I did managed to wrote a sort of plan for what I intend to do so hopefully that'll help a bit.</p> <p>My little dog, who we rescued a few months ago, had a surprise trip to the vets earlier. Her last owner had broken her leg and mistreated her so much - she had fur missing, the fur she did have was a mess, her skin was a state and she was scared of everything. She looks a lot better now and is much more friendly and isn't as scared anymore. We had her leg operated on (infact we came out of hospital the same day!) and we assumed she'd be okay but we noticed she was still limping quite badly. This morning she was sitting on my lap and when she got down I noticed a spot of blood on my leg but couldn't find anything wrong with her. Later on my dad noticed as well and where they've operated there's a massive swelling and it's all ripped open (my dad reckons you can see the bone - I haven't wanted to check whether that's true or now). Apparently they told him that it looks like 'the procedure may have gone a little wrong' and that she may have to have a emergency operation first thing tomorrow morning, after all the x-rays and that have been checked. Hopefully it'll all go okay. You wouldn't have guessed though - she's still happy and runs about mentally if we don't stop her but I suppose if her leg was broken before we took her in, she's probably used to it hurting her now. It's sickening how some people treat animals, it's not as if they're forced on you - if you don't want to look after them, don't get it.</p> <p>I rang my landlord today and gave my one months notice to move out. I'm a bit sad, I've enjoyed living in my flat but because of my accident I'm not really there at the moment and I can't pay for something I'm not using - especially as I'm not earning, lol. I think I'll have to move back to my parents and then when I can move in with mates for a year or so before getting my own place again. I'll miss it there though, so a bit of a sad moment.</p> <p>Since I haven't really been out much or moved much since I've been out of hospital my 'hectic' day today has caused my pain to get a lot worse again. Mentally it was really good to get out though. I'm off to bed in a minute though, so hopefully after a good sleep it will have eased off a bit. </p> <p> <small> <a href="http://pinkabell.blog.co.uk/2009/05/03/all-the-little-things-6048166/#comments">Comments</a> </small> </p>lifehttp://pinkabell.blog.co.uk/2009/05/03/all-the-little-things-6048166/#commentshttp://pinkabell.blog.co.uk/2009/05/01/productive-day-tomorrow-instead-6042819/tag:pinkabell.blog.co.uk,2009-05-01:/2009/05/01/productive-day-tomorrow-instead-6042819/Fri, 01 May 2009 20:52:19 +0200 <p>Well, after my amazing plan to get myself up early and work hard on my essay, I ended up hardly working instead. I had good intentions, I just didn't get very far, lol. Considering I didn't really do much though, I still feel a lot better.</p> <p>It's been a bit of a long day though and I only had about 3 hours sleep so am feeling completely knackered, which hopefully means that I'll sleep well tonight. I don't feel nearly as stressed about my work and what I have left to do as I did the last week or so. I think that now I have an idea of what I'm doing and I know there isn't as much as a rush as I thought there was I feel slightly more relaxed about everything.</p> <p>Trouble is, that I usually work best as night, whether my deadline's the next day or it's weeks away, I find that at night I end up just getting on with my work and I can spend hours doing it and not even really realising. Wouldn't be so bad normally but at the moment I'm trying to sort my sleeping pattern out so I suppose I'm just going to have to set myself down over the next few days, make sure there's no distractions and just get on with it.</p> <p>I've managed to break my speakers somehow, not exactly sure how though, so I've spent the day singing to myself instead and it's not really the same at all, lol. Since I went a bit mental online shopping the other day as well I don't really have the funds to splash out on any new ones for a while so hopefully they're just being a bit temperamental.</p> <p>I actually almost feel like I could get to sleep about now. Makes quite a change from normal! I think I'll do a bit more work and then just laze around for a bit. Hopefully a bit more of a productive day tomorrow though. </p> <p> <small> <a href="http://pinkabell.blog.co.uk/2009/05/01/productive-day-tomorrow-instead-6042819/#comments">Comments</a> </small> </p>lifehttp://pinkabell.blog.co.uk/2009/05/01/productive-day-tomorrow-instead-6042819/#commentshttp://pinkabell.blog.co.uk/2009/05/01/thinking-positively-6037920/tag:pinkabell.blog.co.uk,2009-04-30:/2009/05/01/thinking-positively-6037920/Fri, 01 May 2009 00:00:45 +0200 <p>Just making a plan of what you are going to do can help so much.</p> <p>After allowing myself to get quite low, I suddenly realised that if I wasn't careful I would end up not being able to snap out of it. My mum had already been worried that I was getting depressed a few weeks ago and the more I thought about it the more I realised I was likely to if I carried on allowing myself to constantly be wondering what the ex was thinking, if he was as upset as me, if he still misses me, if he was wondering why I hadn't emailed.</p> <p>I'm planning to use the weekend to finish my essay but to get out of the house, even for short periods of time. I've got a few things on my list that don't have to be done for a while so will just concentrate on making sure I'm not sleeping half the day or wondering about the ex.</p> <p>The next few days both my parents are around so I will be get out a bit more and a mate and at least one of my brothers is coming round to see me, so shouldn't go as completely mental as I have been.</p> <p>Then there's the all important subject of <i>that</i> email I'm going to send the ex. Just the fact that I've decided to send it has made me feel happier. I want to work out exactly how I'm feeling and what I want, so now that my minds a bit clearer I may find that slightly easier. I don't want to do it as a spur of the moment thing because I don't want to end up sounding as if I'm trying to cause an arguement or stir up trouble, which I probably have the ability to do when I start typing in the heat of the moment (and did about a week ago - but he later admitted he had riled me up and apologised for it) but I think I'm going to talk it through with my mate before I send it just to make sure I've included everything and got my point across. </p> <p>It's amazing how much of a difference it makes by looking at things in a positive light ☺ I already feel a lot more motivated.</p> <p>So by next week i'll have sorted through all the important things on my list and should be back to an almost normal mental state! </p> <p> <small> <a href="http://pinkabell.blog.co.uk/2009/05/01/thinking-positively-6037920/#comments">Comments</a> </small> </p>lovelifehttp://pinkabell.blog.co.uk/2009/05/01/thinking-positively-6037920/#commentshttp://pinkabell.blog.co.uk/2009/04/29/easier-said-than-done-6032458/tag:pinkabell.blog.co.uk,2009-04-29:/2009/04/29/easier-said-than-done-6032458/Wed, 29 Apr 2009 23:38:05 +0200 <p>So the plan was to forget about the ex, concentrate on uni work. Only once again I've achieved nothing today. I can't help but think about him, why hasn't he got in touch? Should I reply to his last email? Should I just leave it? Are we over for good? Why does he want to meet up? All these questions that I can't answer. I end up sitting up half the night thinking or worrying. Then of course the next day I end up asleep for most of it. Am trying to break my insane sleeping pattern but so far not doing a terribly good job of it.</p> <p>I have a feeling that the ex isn't about this weekend, so if I am going to email him I should do it before then if I don't want to be sitting around wondering if he's got my message or if he's going to reply. Though, the more I think about it, the more I'm not sure if I should send him one, if I'm just going to be setting myself up for disappointment should I really be prolonging it? Funny thing is that even though I hadn't thought I had made my mind up about whether to meet up with him or not, I've already been mentally planning my outfit. Does this mean I subconsciously have already decided that I'm going?</p> <p>I suppose that might be to do with the fact that I haven't been out of the house since Saturday, and that was only to sit in Starbucks for a bit. The concept of actually going out somewhere is a lot more exciting when you have barely been able to move for 6 weeks and have no idea of when you will be fully mobile again. </p> <p>If I hadn't had this accident I might find it easier to work out what I actually wanted and what would be best for me. Instead, I've got too much time to think and I just end up overthinking everything. Sometimes to the point of tears. I suppose having a big list of things that need to be done isn't helping me feel calm. I think that I should work out what needs to be done when and sort myself out a plan of action instead of just worrying about what I haven't done and missing the ex as well as getting back into a sensible sleeping pattern.</p> <p>All this is easier said than done though ☺ </p> <p> <small> <a href="http://pinkabell.blog.co.uk/2009/04/29/easier-said-than-done-6032458/#comments">Comments</a> </small> </p>lifelovehttp://pinkabell.blog.co.uk/2009/04/29/easier-said-than-done-6032458/#commentshttp://pinkabell.blog.co.uk/2009/04/28/shopping-my-worries-away-6026004/tag:pinkabell.blog.co.uk,2009-04-28:/2009/04/28/shopping-my-worries-away-6026004/Tue, 28 Apr 2009 22:36:03 +0200 <p>Some days I just can't understand it. I feel especially crap. It can be after having a really good day/week or two as well. Today I just want to cry. I'm not entirely sure why. Maybe it's because I haven't spoken to my ex and I miss him. I was going to email him but I just don't know what to say. Maybe because I'm sick of being in pain and I just want to hurry up and get better. Maybe it's just hormones. Maybe because I've started wondering, if you break up with someone can you get back with them, however silly the reason was, however much you've sorted things out? Can you have a happy ending with someone you've got back together with?</p> <p>It's weird because with other boyfriends we've split and that's been that. I've either thought 'I won't be seeing them again' or 'it's over' and then many months or even years later started talking to some of them again. As a friend, nothing more. Sure I went through the sad stages but with this ex it's so much worse. I just get this feeling that 'that's not that', that there's still something. Even if it is just us meeting up and realising what we did was for the best. I wonder if maybe I'm subconsciously hoping that when we meet we'll start to get back together again. Maybe that's why sometimes I feel heartbroken and stupid for caring so much and then at other times I just don't seem to mind.</p> <p>I'm feeling a bit stressed. I always get this sort of feeling in my chest or tummy area whenever anything's bothering me. I'm not sure if I'm bothered because the ex hasn't got in contact and I'm wondering whether to talk to him. I don't know if it's purely because I'm worried about my mate who is pregnant and about to pop and all the unnecessary stress she's got at the moment, whether I'm worrying that the ex is just scared of being alone and that's the only reason he wants to meet, whether it's my mountain of uni work, the wonder of trying to work out exactly what I want with the ex or a mixture of all that.</p> <p>Probably a mixture of everything. Maybe if I get it the uni work done the feeling will go away a bit. Once my mate gives birth maybe again it will feel a bit less strong. Then I can start to deal with understanding how I feel, what I want to do.</p> <p>Until then I think a bit of online shopping won't hurt anyone... </p> <p> <small> <a href="http://pinkabell.blog.co.uk/2009/04/28/shopping-my-worries-away-6026004/#comments">Comments</a> </small> </p>lifelovehttp://pinkabell.blog.co.uk/2009/04/28/shopping-my-worries-away-6026004/#commentshttp://pinkabell.blog.co.uk/2009/04/27/things-are-pretty-good-for-me-6013831/tag:pinkabell.blog.co.uk,2009-04-27:/2009/04/27/things-are-pretty-good-for-me-6013831/Mon, 27 Apr 2009 01:31:34 +0200 <p>It's frustrating some days when I think of how little I've achieved. Okay so yes, I'll admit that part of it is down to me being a bit lazy but at the moment I'm quite sure that a lot of it is down to my current level of poor mobility. It's funny looking back to all the times I've wanted an excuse to just do nothing and now that I've got one I want to be able to do so much. Potentially it could still be another few months before I'm completely back to normal. Hopefully, I'll be jumping around like crazy well before then. I suppose the best thing to do though is to keep pushing myself to walk just a step or two or put a little bit of weight down little and often and gradually build myself up. I'm still wary of overdoing it again though - last time I did that I stayed in bed for three days in pain. I'm hoping to see a noticeable difference in my mobility by Wednesday, that's my goal. I think it's realistic, I just need to keep reminding myself that every slightest improvement is a step in the right direction and something to be pleased with and if I can't do any more, there's nothing wrong with having to stop and watch TV or lie down.</p> <p>I did hear back from the ex. He told me he has booked for us to attend that night together if I want to go. I asked him why he wanted to meet up, whether because it was established the other day that 'whenever we see each other we are more than likely to have sex' (although this was based on when we saw each other when we were actually going out), he assumed that we could carry on sleeping together until one of us met someone else - although I made it quite clear this wasn't going to happen. I told him that I did want to meet up because I actually miss him (whether this was actually a good idea or not, I'm not sure but too late now) but I wasn't sure if it was a good idea because I will probably end up getting upset after seeing him and talking to him and knowing that we're not together anymore. Then he told me that he misses me too, that he doesn't assume we'll sleep together while we're both single, that he doesn't want a new girlfriend at the moment and then the last thing he told me was that whatever happened he would get upset if that made me feel any better.</p> <p>I'm not really sure if I understand that. Maybe we're both a bit unsure about what we want and that's why we're meeting up to see if we can work out what we want, how we feel. Surely though there's a few scenarios where he wouldn't be upset? If we were to meet up and both realise that we weren't right for one another or that the relationship wasn't working but we still get along great then that would be a positive ending, something NOT to be upset about? Or if we decided we were good together and worked things out between us that wouldn't be a bad thing?</p> <p>My problem is that I think too much though. I almost asked him what he did mean by that but I would just end up over analysing everything, wondering if there were any hidden meanings, especially as I have plenty of time on my hands at the moment. That was yesterday afternoon anyway and I still haven't replied. I just don't think there's much to say and I don't want to just reply for the sake of it. I also want some time to work myself out, work out what I want from him - or if I want him. I want to see how I feel with no contact for a few days now that I'm a bit more mobile than last time we cut contact. I know it might sound mean, especially since he told me that last time I told him we should cut all contact between us he ended up going home from his night out in tears and even woke up near crying the next day because he was so upset, but I've also got to do what's best for me as well. I really don't want to upset or hurt him if I don't have to - it pains me a lot to think of him upset but I just need that distance right now to give me a clear head and sort myself out. Saying that even though, if we want to be petty, it's technically my turn to get in touch with him, I do actually really want to hear from him.</p> <p>Everything seems pretty good. I do feel quite happy. I've sorted out my exams and new coursework and dissertation deadlines, that were affected due to me being in hospital, with the university and feel a lot less stressed because of that. I also managed to get out yesterday for a few hours (even if it was just sitting in Starbucks reading a few magazines whilst my mum did a bit of shopping), but it's just great to be out the house. I am also starting to get back to a better sleeping pattern (although saying that it is almost half one) and I am really pleased about that! As well as seeing a lot of my parents, my brothers keep popping round to see me, which is really good - since us all moving out we haven't always been able to see one another that often, especially as I live a few hours from everyone else and I'm getting on with everyone considering how much we try and wind each other up and how often we see one another. The only two things that will make me feel better at the moment (apart from wanting the ex and not knowing if I should be wanting him and the slight matter of the pain and not really being able to walk) would be completing my last bit of coursework and sorting out all the crap I've got left here in my room at my parent's - both pretty manageable things to have completed in the next few days so things are looking good! </p> <p> <small> <a href="http://pinkabell.blog.co.uk/2009/04/27/things-are-pretty-good-for-me-6013831/#comments">Comments</a> </small> </p>lifelovehttp://pinkabell.blog.co.uk/2009/04/27/things-are-pretty-good-for-me-6013831/#commentshttp://pinkabell.blog.co.uk/2009/04/24/feeling-better-today-6002052/tag:pinkabell.blog.co.uk,2009-04-24:/2009/04/24/feeling-better-today-6002052/Fri, 24 Apr 2009 21:26:25 +0200 <p>Think I may be able to get back to a normal sleeping pattern, so that's good news - though I'm getting tired and want to go to sleep too early now! It's just gone 9 and I'm almost ready to fall asleep. Haha.</p> <p>My ex emailed me today to tell me he was sorry how he acted the other night. So that's good news. I replied many hours later telling him that I felt let down and it did really upset me. I do actually understand why he acted weird but he also needs to think about how he says things and how they may be come across. I should have told him that I understand I suppose but I was still a bit angry or upset. Haven't heard from him since. Not sure if he hasn't checked yet, doesn't want to reply or doesn't know what to say. Maybe he's trying to make me wait for some reason. I'm too tired to care right now, though I was glad he got in touch.</p> <p>We went out last night to celebrate St. George's day and I had a good night, although I could only sit and was in quite a bit of pain because I had already had quite a hectic day it was worth going to.</p> <p>Been feeling a bit sick and dizzy and getting all hot the last few days. Might be because I've been trying to do a bit more everyday and think I may be overdoing at the moment. Just want to get moving properly again asap. Although I've been eating a lot less since I went into hospital so I suppose it could be something to do with that.</p> <p>Think I will watch a lot of TV tonight and go to bed early and get a lot done tomorrow. Need to sort out a lot of stuff for university and get my coursework done. Not fun. </p> <p> <small> <a href="http://pinkabell.blog.co.uk/2009/04/24/feeling-better-today-6002052/#comments">Comments</a> </small> </p>lifehttp://pinkabell.blog.co.uk/2009/04/24/feeling-better-today-6002052/#commentshttp://pinkabell.blog.co.uk/2009/04/22/an-ex-update-and-family-disagreements-5985140/tag:pinkabell.blog.co.uk,2009-04-22:/2009/04/22/an-ex-update-and-family-disagreements-5985140/Wed, 22 Apr 2009 02:50:30 +0200 <p>Well, the ex got back in touch to confirm that I would be going with him to this ten year celebration in a few weeks. He also asked what I would be doing during the day before we went and the day after because he would be at work. This slightly confused me because I get the impression from what he was saying that he assumes we would be staying the night together. When we were together I would have assumed the same but as we're not and we both have our own places so I was (and still am) slightly confused. So I asked him what he meant by this and what day he actually meant and what he thought I'd be doing if he wasn't at work. Not sure if it sounded blunt but he does confuse me sometimes. When he replied he suggested that I could have talked to him if he wasn't working but that he would book it all tomorrow. So I'm still not entirely sure of the situation. I suppose I will see how things go on the night which is about three weeks time. </p> <p>I am hoping that he is not assuming that he can take me back somewhere where we've shared good times and then automatically thinks I will sleep with him. I wouldn't usually think he would do or even assume something like that, I've just become increasingly wary of men, and their intentions, recently. It does seem a bit excessive if he does just want to use me - to have to wait nearly another month before I'm back to normal after already not seeing me (or anyone else) in that time. If he did just want sex then he could easily have picked someone up by now, and still has the chance. He isn't the type of person who would normally do something like that though. He may just actually want to be friends keep in touch. He may just be genuinely concerned for my welfare still and not like the idea of me traveling home alone at a late hour. </p> <p>I will not allow him to use me if tI don't like his intentions and the whole night will give me an opportunity to judge whether it is still a good idea for us go to a few shows and gigs we have tickets for that we booked before we split up. If I don't like the atmosphere, find it awkward, think that he intends on using me or am upset at seeing him so soon after the split I will have to rethink that idea.</p> <p>My mum's currently gone up to see her dad. He's was rushed to hospital about a month and a half ago. He's out now but before he was discharged my mum and her sister in law went to his house and spent ages cleaning, tidying, throwing out things past there sell by date and replacing things (such as the 20 year old microwave with cracks in it and the mouldy bin). He's quite capable, independent and strong willed, my grandad, he doesn't like sitting around doing nothing but where his eyesight is going a bit he misses things and thinks it's cleaner than it really is, or doesn't realise the sell by date. </p> <p>Although everyone's gone to all this trouble for him, I think maybe he feels like they're taking over too much and he's been complaining about what everyone's being doing to people behind their back. Anyway, Sunday night he had an argument with my mum down the phone. Apparently as soon as he answered he just let loose and laid into her and my mum was surprised at how vicious he was. He was having a go at her for various things that the sister in law and neighbour had done and had told him they had done on numerous occasions since he had been discharged. Then he accused them all of lying. He told her not to bother coming down the next day which she was supposed to be doing and that he wanted his £3k back that he'd given her.</p> <p>My mum was furious and upset. She didn't want to go after being spoken to like that and would cut contact but her sister in law convinced her to come down and that if she was to cut contact at least attempt to sort things out and if it came to the worst, so it face to face. I spoke to her earlier and she said she'd called round to his house. When she got there she had to tell him she was his daughter. This confuses me because although he's nearly ninety one he's normally quite with it. Anyway, she had a long chat with him and told him that she was shocked at the way he had spoken to her last night and that me, my brothers and my dad were all disgusted too. To which he told her we could all go to hell. This shocks me too because this isn't the type of behaviour I'm used to from him. I do know though, that once he gets an opinion or idea into his head he is very stubborn and insists he's right, whether he is or not, and refuses to change it.</p> <p>Although he was still angry, I think it seems he'd managed to calm down slightly since Sunday night. She told him that people didn't mind helping him out but that they didn't want to be spoken to like that. That people were taking time out of what they were doing and they may grow to resent it if they were spoken to so harshly. That if people didn't like the way he treated them they may stop coming round and helping him and when he really needs it he won't have any help. Then she told him that not only had she taken time away from her family and work (which she doesn't begrudge - she just doesn't want to be accused of stuff she hasn't done and shouted at so viciously) she had spent over £700 on fares in the month he had been discharged to go and visit him. I don't think he was aware of how much it was costing her each time and again this doesn't normally matter but when your time and efforts aren't being appreciated you do wonder why you're doing it.</p> <p>Anyway, I'm hoping they'll sort everything out tomorrow when they next see each other. I don't like the idea of having this disagreement in the family and although I don't agree with how he's been treating everyone I don't want my grandad to be alone and I'm sure, deep down, my mum, her brother and sister in law don't either.</p> <p>I'm going to try and get to sleep before 5am tonight. I've been finding it really hard because of the pain but it wasn't so bad today (I even managed to apply for a job!) so hopefully I'll find it slightly easier tonight. </p> <p> <small> <a href="http://pinkabell.blog.co.uk/2009/04/22/an-ex-update-and-family-disagreements-5985140/#comments">Comments</a> </small> </p>lovelifehttp://pinkabell.blog.co.uk/2009/04/22/an-ex-update-and-family-disagreements-5985140/#commentshttp://pinkabell.blog.co.uk/2009/04/21/my-terms-my-way-5979473/tag:pinkabell.blog.co.uk,2009-04-21:/2009/04/21/my-terms-my-way-5979473/Tue, 21 Apr 2009 03:31:56 +0200 <p>Hmm. Now the ex has got in touch again to tell me that it's a shame I'm not around because I would love the weather at the moment - it even reminds him of our last holiday together in the caribbean. Later on he mentioned that he would like me to go with him to a 10 year celebratory party a restaurant is hosting for it's frequent visitors. A restaurant we've spent a lot of time in together. I'm a bit dubious as to what he actually wants from me. Maybe he does just want to try and get along but there is no real reason to, we have no children, we have no reason to see each other in our daily life unless we purposely make an effort to bump into one another and although it's likely we may bump into one another on a night out, there's enough pubs, clubs and bars in our town for it to be unlikely for us to be in the same one - and if we are and it does seem uncomfortable it's easy enough for one group to move on to another place.</p> <p>As it's still quite a time away he asked if I'd be able to walk by then and as long as I was alright would I come. I replied and told him that I should be better but I may still be on crutches by then as it will be months before I fully recover (which he knows because he has asked me many a time and suggested meeting up when I am back) and although I may not be 100% I should be able to cope by then if that still counts as being 'alright' by his reckoning. He was pretty quick to get back to me and say that that would be fine, as we wouldn't be on our feet too much so I hopefully wouldn't overdo it.</p> <p>That wasn't that long ago and throughout the day, he's initiated contact via email or text. Whether it's been a jokey email or a text to tell me how much I'd enjoy something. If I don't find it necessary to reply or I just haven't had a chance it's not long before I hear from him again. I find this all a bit odd. This party that the restaurant is hosting isn't particularly close to us so it's not really a spur of the moment thing, we'd have to consider how we would get there and although it's not for some time, we still need to book our places quite soon if we intend to go. I can't help wondering why he didn't invite a few friends instead, if he had wanted to he didn't even have to let me know about it. Judging from when he received the email and when he sent it to me, I would have been the first person he asked - unless of course he has sent separate emails inviting many people. </p> <p>I'm not sure if most people would find it quite awkward - going with their ex, not long after they broke up, to a restaurant they used to visit regularly when they were together. I don't. Somehow. Maybe it's because I've been driving myself insane with the excessive amount of boredom I've been in in the last few weeks with my limited amount of mobility and just can't wait to be able to get out. Maybe I'm so used to spending time with him it just seems natural. Maybe I'm holding onto hope that we'll see each other and everything will be fine. I'm not sure. I do know that I will accept his invite for the moment but if I do change my mind and decide it won't be a good idea nearer to the time then I won't go. Simple. I also know that I will go with no expectations and that I will be prepared. If I do go, I will have a good time whatever and will not let him use me. Then, whatever happens that night, I can be happy that things went <i><strong>my</strong></i> way on <strong><i>my</i></strong> terms. </p> <p> <small> <a href="http://pinkabell.blog.co.uk/2009/04/21/my-terms-my-way-5979473/#comments">Comments</a> </small> </p>lifelovehttp://pinkabell.blog.co.uk/2009/04/21/my-terms-my-way-5979473/#commentshttp://pinkabell.blog.co.uk/2009/04/20/dashed-hope-5973691/tag:pinkabell.blog.co.uk,2009-04-20:/2009/04/20/dashed-hope-5973691/Mon, 20 Apr 2009 02:51:46 +0200 <p>I feel so gutted right now. The ex has been sending me such positive signals recently and now he's just crushed them all. It's surprising how long we went out and how little I still understand him.</p> <p>He told me in the past that he doesn't think we could just be mates because our feelings are just too strong for each other and yesterday he told me how much he's been missing me and how he felt sick at the thought of me with someone else. How everything reminds him of me and a few days ago he wanted to meet up (weird considering he said he thinks our feelings are so strong that we would find it hard to be mates because we would always want more from each other). Tonight he's said he does still have strong feelings but that he's scared of taking the risk of getting back into a relationship because he doesn't want to hurt me or himself. He doesn't seem to understand that my hurt is from the lack of relationship and the fact that he wasn't able to tell me how he felt until a few weeks after I kicked him out.</p> <p>He just seems to be playing with my feelings, making me feel like everything will be amazing again. Then dashing my hopes. I know I need to get over him but it's not so easy when you're bed bound and can't do much with yourself. When I can start walking again then maybe I'll find it easier. I can't let him play me around like this so often. I've been crying so much recently and I thought I'd got over that. Maybe though, I was just hoping that deep down, when/if we met up again our feelings would just get the better of us and make us both realise how great we are together. I do think we are well suited. Even if we annoy each other or have a bit of an argument we still get on really well. We can talk about nothing forever. We just click. Our breakup was a bit stupid but I think if we can't get it sorted in the next few days I'm going to have to start to accept that however good we are, it's not going to happen. Remind myself of his flaws. Remember that they're are plenty more fish in the sea and that one of them will make me feel even better about myself.</p> <p>I'm overly tired too. Having not had much sleep last night. Mixture of pain, being upset and worrying I think. Maybe after a good sleep I'll feel slightly better about the whole situation. I suppose I'll find out tomorrow. </p> <p> <small> <a href="http://pinkabell.blog.co.uk/2009/04/20/dashed-hope-5973691/#comments">Comments</a> </small> </p>lifelovehttp://pinkabell.blog.co.uk/2009/04/20/dashed-hope-5973691/#commentshttp://pinkabell.blog.co.uk/2009/04/19/just-as-i-straighten-myself-out-he-comes-along-and-screws-me-over-all-over-again-5968154/tag:pinkabell.blog.co.uk,2009-04-19:/2009/04/19/just-as-i-straighten-myself-out-he-comes-along-and-screws-me-over-all-over-again-5968154/Sun, 19 Apr 2009 01:52:19 +0200 <p>My ex emailed me again tonight. He saw a few photos of me with another guy and wanted to know if I was seeing someone else already because it made him feel sick. He then asked if I'd slept with anyone because I'd told him I hadn't.</p> <p>I don't understand. He didn't stumble on them by accident. He purposely went on the club website and looked at the pictures from the night he knew I was there. We're not together anymore, why does he care who I see, what I'm up to? I gave him plenty of chances. I don't want to go out with someone who never wants to live with me, who wants to look at pictures of other girls who he tried to chat up the last time we split up. Who doesn't make an effort to make me feel cared for or who never compliments me.</p> <p>I replied. Told him that I hadn't lied to him, like I haven't since I've known him and how I appreciated the trust he obviously has in me.</p> <p>Then he told me he can't let go, that everything he does and says remind him of me. That not even death of family hasn't upset him this badly before. That he's a mess.</p> <p>Now I'm upset again. I'm finding it hard to get over him. Maybe I was wrong to get in touch after I decided to cut all contact but I was getting depressed. So i wrote to him, as a friend. I needed to be able to talk to him then - at the time it was what was best for me. Now I'm not so sure.</p> <p>When he suggested meeting up, I was quite happy about the whole idea. I figured it must be because he wanted me back. He said himself that he thinks our feelings are too strong for each other for us to ever just be friends. Maybe that was what was keeping me going? I haven't been upset because of 'us' for quite a while now. Knowing that we would end up meeting up as soon as I'm walking again. I've still been wondering what he's up to. I still check my emails and feel disappointed when he hasn't sent me any. I still feel excitement when I see his name light up on my phone or in my inbox. I thought I was doing so well though. I was getting on with my life. He was getting on with his, so I thought.</p> <p>Then he tells me how badly he's been coping. He tells me he can't stop thinking about me. How everything reminds him of me. I cried a lot tonight. I want him so much. I just want him to be able to give me a big hug and tell me that everything will be okay. That we can fight everything that's thrown against us. We've already been through so much - if we could manage to put all that past us I think we could survive just about anything. Only so far we haven't been able to.</p> <p>I don't know if I'm upset because I know there won't be anymore good memories to share. I don't know if I'm crying because deep down I realise that the special bond we shared is gone and now that it's broken it can't be easily repaired, if at all. I'm not sure if I'm upset because we didn't put our all into trying to make it work. I don't know if it's because I can't imagine being with anyone else. </p> <p>Sometimes I start to think I'm okay again, that I'm coping. Sharing friendly emails was fine, I was feeling happier and he said he liked being able to talk to me. Then it got a bit emotional, a bit serious. He mentioned he was missing me. I told him I missed him too. Then he said I was all he could think about. Then I receive the last email stating how he isn't over me and how he's coped with family death better. Next thing I know, I'm in floods of tears. I'm not really okay. I want him. How does he manage to screw me over all over again from so far away? Why do I let him?</p> <p>I don't understand what he wants from me. Does he want to get back together? Does he just want me to listen to his feelings? Does he want me to feel bad? I don't understand how he can feel like that but not want to get back together. If he just wants me to listen to how he feels it's probably not good for either of us - I do care but it's hard on me too and hearing how it's affecting him isn't helping me. Surely it's best for him to talk to a friend rather than me?</p> <p>I just don't know what to tell him. I'm finding it hard to let go, especially when I know he is too. I don't understand how we can both feel so crap and yet believe it's the right thing to do. I'm not sure what to think anymore.</p> <p>I think I know that deep down, I'll be alright whatever happens but right now I can't see me being at that point. </p> <p> <small> <a href="http://pinkabell.blog.co.uk/2009/04/19/just-as-i-straighten-myself-out-he-comes-along-and-screws-me-over-all-over-again-5968154/#comments">Comments</a> </small> </p>lovelifehttp://pinkabell.blog.co.uk/2009/04/19/just-as-i-straighten-myself-out-he-comes-along-and-screws-me-over-all-over-again-5968154/#commentshttp://pinkabell.blog.co.uk/2009/04/18/i-want-him-here-now-5963557/tag:pinkabell.blog.co.uk,2009-04-18:/2009/04/18/i-want-him-here-now-5963557/Sat, 18 Apr 2009 02:08:11 +0200 <p>I'm feeling a bit down. Didn't get to sleep until well after 4 last night and pretty much slept on and off all day today. I feel like I'm wasting my days away - I've got so much to do and time is running out as my deadlines approach.</p> <p>To be honest there's not much to say. After receiving that message from my ex last night I have been left wondering. I wish I could get inside his head. Why is he thinking about me so much? I feel quite down as well because he's out celebrating his birthday tonight and in a way that hurts, that after so long I'm not there with him. I know it's petty but I think I'm also a bit jealous that after my 21st didn't turn out the way I wanted it to, because of him, that he's getting the chance to go and celebrate how I would have liked mine to go. I suppose I also feel slightly jealous that he's able to go out and have good times whilst I'm stuck at home unable to move much. Maybe I'm scared that he's going to meet someone new and I'll just be forgotten, discarded.</p> <p>I do feel bad for feeling like this. I don't want him to be miserable. Sitting around immobile is enough to drive anyone crazy.</p> <p>Maybe if he gets in touch again I'll ask him what he meant when he said I'm the main thing on his mind. Maybe I don't want to know. Maybe when I'm moving around again it won't matter to me. Even though I am immobile and finding my feelings are all over the place as I over think everything I still don't feel as if he's been on my mind that much. Not as much as he had been. A week or so ago I was so depressed we weren't speaking, even though it was down to me, that I had to reinitiate contact between us. Even if just to get me through a hard time. The last few days or so though, I don't feel like I'm so upset or thinking about him so much. Maybe it's because I know we're still in contact and unconsciously I still have hope which is keeping me going. I'm not sure, although that might explain why I am still checking my email quite regularly, hoping for a message from him (although technically I would suppose it's my turn to reply - only he didn't give me much to reply to). If he replies then I would assume he wants to talk to me. If he doesn't then I suppose I'll know how I feel when I either don't care or am disappointed and upset that he hasn't contacted me. I am wondering if maybe the reason I haven't been so bothered may be down to my excessive day time sleeping. Maybe if we stopped speaking again, I would fall to pieces again.</p> <p>I know his 'best friend' is going away in the next few days, so maybe that will make him contact me - not having anything better to do. I suppose I should see what happens when the mate returns. If he still wishes to contact me and meet up, then I have to decide if he's using me.</p> <p>I do feel sad. Talking about him makes me cry and I miss him. I don't know exactly how I feel though. Am I sad because of all the happy memories we shared and knowing there won't be any more? Am I sad because I think we've done the wrong thing? I just don't know anymore. I want him, here now though.</p> <p>To make things worse, a mate of mine who has been here for me in the last month or so, who I have recently worried may see me as more than a friend sent me a message earlier. He claimed he thinks he would be over his ex if he met the right person. Then he went on to say that he thinks he's met her and would go for it if he knew she liked him. I hope I'm mistaken but I just get this feeling it may be me. Apparently, in the times before his ex and when I was still in a relationship with my ex, he told one of our mutual mates that he fancied me. I hate to sound mean but I don't see him that way at all and I really can't deal with getting into another relationship right now. I still have such strong feelings for my ex and it just wouldn't be fair on anyone.</p> <p>I guess I should try and go to sleep now. I've asked my mum to get me up early(ish) tomorrow, so that I can try to get back into a normal sleeping pattern. So that I stop wasting my days. I want to keep busy tomorrow. I want to try and get a good start with my coursework. I also want to hear from my ex but that may not happen. I suppose it won't be long until I find out. </p> <p> <small> <a href="http://pinkabell.blog.co.uk/2009/04/18/i-want-him-here-now-5963557/#comments">Comments</a> </small> </p>lifelovehttp://pinkabell.blog.co.uk/2009/04/18/i-want-him-here-now-5963557/#commentshttp://pinkabell.blog.co.uk/2009/04/17/is-it-too-much-to-ask-5957860/tag:pinkabell.blog.co.uk,2009-04-17:/2009/04/17/is-it-too-much-to-ask-5957860/Fri, 17 Apr 2009 01:04:50 +0200 <p>So my day? Nothing interesting really. Not a lot really happens when you can't leave the house much.<br> I had a really bad time of trying to get to sleep and ended up only falling asleep at about 4 again. This meant I was in and out of sleepiness all day so didn't really achieve much work which is never good.</p> <p>I emailed my ex about an hour before he left work to say Happy Birthday. Nothing more, if he wanted to reply it was up to him. I was kinda surprised to get an a reply back quite close to the time he returns home, saying he thought I'd forgotten. He knows I have a stupid thing for remembering dates. He also knows I'm not likely to forget any of my best mates birthday's. It just so happens that one of my best mates shares his birthday, which he definitely knows. As we had shared the odd email the last few days I thought it might seem petty if I wasn't to send him something to wish him a happy birthday - even if it was just two simple words.</p> <p>I was going to leave it. I didn't really see much to reply to. I thought he hadn't really thrown me much rope here, maybe he doesn't even want me to reply. I don't know. I don't know how or what he thinks anymore. A few hours later, after watching a bit of TV, eating a bit of dinner and chatting to a few mates, I drafted up a response - unsure whether I would actually send it. I tried to make it into a sort of joke - that he had actually been thinking about me and to be honest I was quite surprised to have a response within the next few minutes telling me that he does think about me and 'probably more than anything else' as well. I don't know how to take this. I feel confused. Why is he doing this to me? I wanted things to work out. Surely I gave him enough chances? I couldn't be walked all over. I refused to be used.</p> <p>I wasn't really sure how to take it, I don't know in what way he's thinking about me. He's hurt me badly and not just the once. Yet I still want to be involved with him. I feel right with him. Yet I know that he didn't always do my self esteem much good, even when I really needed a boost of confidence. Every girl needs someone who tells them they look beautiful, their hair looks amazing, their outfit is brilliant or that she makes you proud to be her boyfriend every so often, doesn't she? Even if only occasionally. Even when we went to these big dinner/dances and I would properly get ready (you know - spend more time than usual on hair and nails etc and I'm not one of these girls that spends hours getting ready each morning) he would never tell me if I looked good or bad. Leaving it instead to other people to come up and tell me. Yet he would want me to tell him how good he looked. My confidence took a huge dent from this - I never felt like I was good enough. So many people, him included, have told me I could do so much better. I never really believed this but maybe in a sense they're all right - I should be going out with someone who cares about me, someone who doesn't mind expressing their feelings for me. </p> <p>I don't want to be going out with someone who tells me I'm too old to wear brightly coloured clothes. Or makes digs at me if I want to eat a bit of chocolate or a few crisps. I'm not fat. Fair enough there will be people skinnier than me but I'm perfectly happy with my weight and more importantly, my appearance. I'm not going to give up food because the person I'm seeing is worried that I may put on a few lbs. I'd understand if he was worried because I was binge eating junk food but I rarely crave for it and when I do it's not for immense amounts.</p> <p>I want someone that realises when I'm feeling down, those times when you do need a slight confidence boost, and who compliments me. To raise my self esteem whilst I'm down. Not every day, just when you're going through a hard time. My ex told me that if he started complimenting me, I'd come to expect it. He didn't seem to understand that if he didn't I didn't realise that he cared, I didn't know what he was thinking. </p> <p>I had a male friend once, me and another of my mates were meeting up with him. She rang me not long before we were supposed to be meeting and was worried because she had attempted to cut her fringe and it had gone wrong. I managed to calm her down and convince her that she would be fine and no-one would notice but I would come over and try and sort it out. When I got to hers it wasn't as bad as she thought anyway but I trimmed it to make it a bit tidier and she was a bit happier but it was still bugging her. I had managed to ring this male friend of mine to explain we might be late and had told him why and as I hadn't seen her hair at this point and was imagining the worst asked him not to point it out. Anyway, we met him a few hours later and although he had never met my friend before, one of the first things he said to her was 'I like your hair, have you just had it cut or something, it suits you'. The fact that he was such a good mate of mine to want to make another mate that he hadn't meet before happy was really appreciated and there's not many blokes I know who would do that (although I may just be hanging out with the wrong ones!) That's all I want though someone who cares enough for me that I can see the effort they go to to make me happy, someone who can cheer me up when I'm down, or is that too much to ask?</p> <p>I don't want to go through everything that annoys me. Otherwise it'll even have me wondering why we went out for so long. Plus I'm sure he's got his faults about me. I had some amazing times with my ex and I would love for there to be more but I think it may be time to move on. I think it will be hard but I do want to stay mates, at least I think I do. I've come to accept that he doesn't think it's going to work anymore and even though he does contact me a fair amount and send me mixed signals, which admittedly does confuse me, I don't think it's fair for either of us to play games and I've done all I can. I said that if he was prepared to give things a proper go I was too. If he can't make his mind up I'm not going to beg him. I can't force him to change his mind. He just needs to stop telling me that he misses me and constantly thinks about me - giving me a false sense of hope. Maybe it's for the best for both of us if we do stop talking and seeing each other. But for good this time. Then maybe I won't be left hoping and he'll gradually stop thinking about me. I just don't know.</p> <p>This other bloke, who I thought was just being a mate helping me through a bad time has been constantly emailing and texting me. I was in hospital when it all began and was grateful that someone was sending me messages and because he had just split with his ex and was talking to me about that and I was upset about the split with mine I didn't read anymore into it. I feel like maybe he does want more though. I thought he was just very friendly at first but now I'm not so sure. He knows I'm not over my ex. I don't understand. He seems quite keen for me to not talk to my ex, even though he likes the fact that he's mates with the majority of his, and he's sending more messages than is really necessary. </p> <p>He just text me to tell me he's going to bed and although he's sent me a few texts about 2 hours earlier in the evening, in which he said he was at home, he chose now to tell me he saw his ex with another bloke tonight and that he doesn't know what to think or to say. It might seem a bit harsh but I know he hasn't been out since we text earlier and I don't understand why he didn't tell me this earlier. Unless maybe he did just pop out for 5 minutes or so and on seeing these two he came back home. I don't know. The only reason I can see for him to tell me now is for me to stop what I'm doing and ring him but I'm really not in the mood for talking to anyone at the moment. I will if he is really upset but right now my pelvis is playing up so bad my parents want me to go back to hospital but I really don't want to unless I have to. At least at home I can watch TV and use the internet whilst in pain. In hospital it's not so fun. I've also been left confused with my whole ex situation and I'm stressing about the amount of work I have left to do and whether I've mucked up my final year - potentially wasting my three years at university. Plus I'm not sleeping great and wasting lots of time by just being in and out of a dazed sleep during the day instead of working. It's really getting me down. I never realised how much you take the simple things for granted, like your independence and just being able to walk. You do things so naturally and don't even realise. I will appreciate things a lot more once I am able to walk again.</p> <p>If I'm not back in hospital tomorrow, then I will work. </p> <p> <small> <a href="http://pinkabell.blog.co.uk/2009/04/17/is-it-too-much-to-ask-5957860/#comments">Comments</a> </small> </p>lifelovehttp://pinkabell.blog.co.uk/2009/04/17/is-it-too-much-to-ask-5957860/#commentshttp://pinkabell.blog.co.uk/2009/04/16/more-ex-issues-5952013/tag:pinkabell.blog.co.uk,2009-04-16:/2009/04/16/more-ex-issues-5952013/Thu, 16 Apr 2009 03:58:36 +0200 <p>One of my best mate's having issues with the bloke she's kinda seeing. He was going out with a girl for quite some time and was quite worried about a mate who he reckoned fancied her. They reassured him and everything carries on as normal for a few weeks. Then these two break up and the ex girlfriend and the ex mate get together pretty soon after. Now, my mate's on/off bloke finds it very hard to trust people - not surprisingly though. </p> <p>Unfortunately this isn't very helpful to my friend, especially as she lives about 130 miles away whilst at university - okay, it's not the greatest distance but it's still quite far and apparently what is stopping him wanting a fully committed relationship. After his ex, he feels unable to trust people too easily. My mate realises this isn't personally against her and accepts this. She's been faithfully 'seeing' him and although they aren't technically going out, they still do a lot of coupley things together. They ring each other more than me and my ex probably used to and they speak every day by some form of communication. My mate has now told me she's concerned he may just be using her for sex and feeding her a load of bullshit. Although she does understand he might be scared of getting hurt she doesn't understand why he doesn't seem to show more feelings towards her or has made an effort to step their relationship up to the next level and be 'officially' going out with one another after nearly half a year or 'seeing one another'. She also doesn't know whether he's taking her seriously and just taking time to sort out his previous issues (which she is fine about if that's really what's going on) or whether he's just using her and they're not exclusive to one another. She said she knows he cares to some extent but not if it's the same way she cares about him (sounds familiar to me and my ex...).</p> <p>She said she would have a proper chat with him before she goes back to university. She said she doesn't want to come back home for summer and find out by seeing him with someone else. A fair point I think. I told her she deserves to know what he really thinks and then she can make a decision based on his answer. She deserves someone who does make her feel special. If they do end up splitting then it won't be long before my mate looks back, sees it as a learning experience, remembers the fun she had but smiles and is glad it happened and is happy that it ended that way. Her bloke will regret losing such an amazing girl just because he couldn't open up his feelings and let her know he cares - or assure her that he does care but he's still finding it hard to build up trust and just needs more time if she's prepared to give it to him (which I'm sure if he was honest to her, she would girls aren't all that bad!). Who she knows cares about her. Someone with no flicker of doubt. If she lets him go, they'll end up together again if they are right for one another. I should listen to my own advice sometimes. So I encouraged her to have the chat before she goes off back to university but I also warned her what happened to me and my ex when I asked for reassurances and reminded her he was now my ex. I know whatever happens though, she'll come out on top in the end. She deserves to know where she stands before becoming even more attached.</p> <p>I've got quite close to a friend of a friend whilst in hospital. He kept emailing me to keep me from going crazy, which at the time I really appreciated. Now I'm not so sure it was a good idea. I vaguely remember my mate telling me he fancied me over a year ago but I was going out with my ex and more recently he also had a girlfriend and I didn't really think much of it - I was in immense pain and in a daze from so many painkillers most the time. Plus he started telling me how him and his ex had recently broken up and how he was missing her. So with my ex coming in to visit me and giving me lots of mixed signals about how he felt for me I was moaning about that and he was moaning about his ex and it was good for us both to have someone to talk to.</p> <p>The last few days though, I've just had this sort of feeling. That maybe he wants to get with me. I could be completely wrong and I hope I am because I'm not ready for anything yet and I don't see him as more than a friend. Why do I think this? Just little reasons. He kept saying to me that he's pleased out of all his girlfriends there's only one who he isn't good mates with now. When I told him my ex had suggested meeting up next time I was in back home he couldn't tell me quick enough how much of a bad idea it was - which I don't understand if he's so pleased about being mates with all his ex's, bar one. Plus he was pretty firm about it compared to how he usually is when he's giving me advice. He also doesn't seem to think that me talking to the ex at all is a good idea - even though it's helped me get through my frustration at not being able to do anything and has stopped me getting depressed. Another thing I noticed, on my Facebook there are a few pictures which potentially look like I could be wearing no clothes or I am wrapped in just a small towel - these weren't taken intentionally but they're there. Today this mate suggested I get some more 'suggestive/nearly naked' pictures up. He also asked me what pictures were my ex in because he was trying to see what type of bloke I went for and couldn't work out who my ex was. Then he started saying how his last ex wasn't what his ideal girlfriend would be like (I guess that's pretty obvious since they split up..) so maybe it doesn't mean much. Then when someone invited me out this evening, obviously forgetting with my injuries it could be ages before I'm allowed out he went a bit mental at them and said he couldn't 'believe how inconsiderate some people were being when it was obvious I could barely move and was no where near ready to have a good night out and with my high dosage of painkillers it wouldn't be wise to drink alcohol anyway'. </p> <p>I guess you could say he's just being a decent mate and looking out for me. Which I guess is true and it's kinda nice but it's also a bit worrying because although we've got to know each other pretty well now via msn/facebook/text/phone we've only actually met a few times. Some of my mates from university are mates with him so I trust he's a decent sort of guy but I just hope he hasn't fallen for me because even though he's so sweet and always checks I'm okay, I just see him as a mate. I really hope I haven't been giving him the wrong message - I still care so much for my ex and it wouldn't be fair for anyone if I was to pretend otherwise.</p> <p>Speaking of my ex, I haven't heard from him since last night when he sent me a message asking if I missed him because he missed me. I replied that I did and he just hasn't bothered replying - what's that about? I kinda didn't expect a rely what with the football being on, which is why I was pretty surprised he even messaged me yesterday. I don't know if I'll hear from him soon, I expect he will go out this weekend to celebrate his birthday and have an amazing time, so I may be forgotten about until next week - I'm not too sure whether to acknowledge his birthday, I know it sounds really petty but he didn't go out of his way to make my 21st that great and I put loads of effort, time and money into his 21st and I kinda felt a bit disappointed by mine to be honest after everything I had done for him and he couldn't be bothered or give me this one night to be special and do what I wanted. I might just send him a simple two worded email saying happy birthday and then I don't look mean for not 'remembering' about it. </p> <p>Until next time then - I have shed loads of coursework.</p> <p> <small> <a href="http://pinkabell.blog.co.uk/2009/04/16/more-ex-issues-5952013/#comments">Comments</a> </small> </p>lifelovehttp://pinkabell.blog.co.uk/2009/04/16/more-ex-issues-5952013/#commentshttp://pinkabell.blog.co.uk/2009/04/15/just-a-bit-of-rambling-5945939/tag:pinkabell.blog.co.uk,2009-04-15:/2009/04/15/just-a-bit-of-rambling-5945939/Wed, 15 Apr 2009 01:26:51 +0200 <p>My ex never fails to confuse me. I received another email from him earlier asking if I missed him because I 'sent him a lot of emails'. For what it's worth he 'misses me' he informs me. He makes it sound like I am constantly emailing him every second of every day. He fails to mention that he has been replying inbetween these emails and that other than when I sent him an email a few days after telling him I needed to cut contact, he has always initiated the emails. Even sending me another one a couple of time when I haven't replied straight away. I email him back, 'yes I guess I do'. Haven't heard anything from him since. Is he playing games with me? Is he trying to confuse me? It's working if it is.</p> <p>I am trying to get back into a normal sleeping routine. Since being in hospital, I've gone a bit mental with sleep. I either have so many painkillers I'm out of it or knackered from trying to make an effort to stop my hip from seizing up. Trouble is I keep overdoing it and end up sleeping or just lying around for ages, waiting for the pain to die down. Then, I find I'm awake at silly unsociable hours and end up getting bored and feeling lonely in the middle of the night. Which doesn't take my mind of the pain. Hopefully I'll sleep a bit better today though.</p> <p>I'm being really rubbish at completing my coursework. I've pretty much only got one essay due in in just under two weeks and for the rest, I have an extension. Technically, I have an extension for it all but I figure the more I get done now, the less I have to do over summer and the more I can enjoy it. It's just hard to concentrate with so much going on in my head and constantly being in and out of it. When I'm feeling loads of pain I can't concentrate and when I've had my painkillers I end up not being able to concentrate because I'm not quite with it for a bit.</p> <p>I'm attempting to have a massive clearout of my stuff. I planned to be ruthless but I'm not very good at it. I start of quite well and then five minutes into it, I start getting sentimental or believing that even though I haven't used something for ages I will need it in the near future. I guess if I do five or ten minutes a day though, it's better than nothing and maybe eventually I'll have a clearer space...it helps take my mind of the pain or stressing about coursework too as I don't need to really think too hard for it.</p> <p>Ah well. I'm moving rooms at both my parents house and back home soon, so maybe as I transport my stuff over I can decide what I need, what I want and what is useless. To think I have two rooms full of stuff - there must be a reasonable amount I can throw away, you would think anyway. Will have to make a massive effort I suppose.</p> <p>Think I will watch a bit of tv and try and drift off to sleep reasonably early tonight, so shall leave it here. </p> <p> <small> <a href="http://pinkabell.blog.co.uk/2009/04/15/just-a-bit-of-rambling-5945939/#comments">Comments</a> </small> </p>lifehttp://pinkabell.blog.co.uk/2009/04/15/just-a-bit-of-rambling-5945939/#comments