I seem to have been constantly busy but done a whole lot of nothing in the past two weeks.
I've been to a few house viewings and met up with mates a few times and been able to cross a few things of my list that just hadn't been getting done. I've also managed to see the ex probably too much. He messaged me a Saturday or two back to tell me that he thought we needed to talk and could he come over. I told him he could and he arrived not too long later. We almost slept together again but I stopped us. He then out and bought some food and a bottle of wine, cooked for me again and later on we ended up sleeping together again. Then for pretty much the rest of the week he invited me over when he was back from work to stay over. Everything was pretty good then on the Friday night I attempted to ditch the crutches and went out with a mate - nothing too mental just a few drinks in a few different pubs and bars. Ended up bumping into the ex who had just come out for a few drinks on his own. He came over to talk to us and said it was a bit awkward, which of course then made me feel awkward. He asked where my crutches were and then said he felt like I had lied to him - I'm not sure why or how he thought I would want to lie about being like this for the three months or so I've been unable to walk, it hasn't exactly been my idea of fun. He then asked if I was out on the pull or whether I was now that I seen him. Not that I see what's it to do with him if I was. He seemed really cold and almost like he resented me being out and I felt pissed off but didn't want him to ruin my first major outing in months. He finished his drink and left us which my friend found a bit odd but in the mood he was in was probably for the best. We stayed out for a bit but I was hurting pretty badly and we ended up leaving a bit after midnight. I ended up not being able to sleep all night because I was hurting so much and still am but I'm glad I went out, it really did cheer me up! Still, think I'll be sticking with the crutches for a little bit longer!
On the Saturday I gave the ex a text and told him I wanted to talk and asked when he was able to come over. He replied and told me he was out all that day (which I already knew so wasn't bothered) but that he would see what time he got back. He didn't end up texting me back til Monday morning which I think was pretty crap of him and told him so when I spoke to him later that day - he could have told me on Saturday that that was his intentions. Anyway I ended up at a BBQ, enjoying the sun and seeing a few mates I haven't seen for a while so that was all really good and I was pretty happy.
When I received the message from the ex I text him back a bit later telling him that I was busy (I wanted to get some work done first) and that I would let him know when I was available. When I did let him know he told me he had gone back to his parent's for a few hours but would come see me after that. I felt that he was just pissing me around and told him not to bother because it obviously wasn't important to him (maybe not the most mature response but I felt pretty pissed off right then). He got back to me almost instantly and said that it was important and that he had waited an hour for me to reply before he left (oops).
When he did turn up we ended up sleeping together yet again - becoming a pretty standard thing now. Anyway, I managed to have my talk with him...not sure if it really achieved much but I told him he was out of order for making out that I'd lied to him about my accident and my recovery and that I had had been in agony that night and the next day at which point he said 'good' - I really get the feeling he doesn't like the idea of me being able to go out and about. Obviously this didn't go down to well and I went a bit mental at him, telling him that he knew exactly how much pain and a crap time I'd had the last few months and that he knew I was frustrated at not being able to do my usual stuff, that he was being a complete prick to me, that I thought he would have understood what going out would have meant to me - especially after so many months, that he had made things awkward on Friday and that it was a really nasty thing to say that he was glad I was in pain. I told him that he didn't seem to have a problem with me driving over to see him and that I shouldn't really be driving either but if I didn't do these things I would go crazy.
He listened to me and went quiet for a few seconds and then apologised. So maybe I actually got through to him. I then told him how I was feeling and that I didn't want him to be using me just for sex and sometimes I wondered if that was all he wanted to see me for. I asked him if we would bother meeting up when one of us starts seeing someone else and when he said that we wouldn't be able to I told him that that suggests we are just meeting for sex. I told him that I felt I was almost being unfaithful or something for chatting to blokes that I know are interested in me. I told him that I felt like he was messing me around completely and asked him what he wanted. He told me he just didn't know. He told me that he hadn't been happy for ages and when I asked why he said that he used to have a brilliant girlfriend and he doesn't anymore. I asked him whether he missed having a girlfriend or whether it was me specifically and he told me it was me. He told me that he enjoyed my company and again when I asked if anybodies company would do or if it was mine specifically he said mine. I didn't intend to but I ended up getting pretty upset during this chat and he kept kissing and hugging me - more bloody mixed messages, lol. He said he didn't want to upset me and that if I felt it was for the best, maybe we shouldn't meet up anymore, although it would upset him but I should have a think and decide what's best for me.
He wouldn't leave until he knew I was feeling a bit happier and not crying anymore. I just feel a bit confused about his behaviour. He looked through all my photos of when we've been broken up and asks me about any blokes that happen to be in a picture with me and whether I've slept with any of them. Then he asked about whether anyone had been texting me recently. When a bloke a mate used to go out with ages ago started texting me randomly last week when I was round the ex's he wanted to know what they said and if I'd replied (which I hadn't and don't plan to). When he heard how I got chatted up just nipping to Tesco's he didn't seem impressed but told me that it was because I look vulnerable. It's like he doesn't want anyone else to talk to me and wants to try and batter my confidence or something. It's weird how he seems to be getting jealous but then can seem like he doesn't care. I've spoken to my mum a few times and told her everything that's been going on and she reckons that he may be a bit depressed and that's why his feelings or attitudes change so abruptly and that's why sometimes he makes it seem like he doesn't care.
He ended up coming over for a few hours once again on Tuesday and once again we ended up sleeping together. The last time I managed to do my pelvis in again and was finding it impossible to walk or put any weight on it again. I didn't make too much of a fuss about it until after he left. We didn't really sort anything out, yet again but it did seem to be a pretty good night and I thought maybe I should just have a good time, concentrate on my exams and try not to work him out too much until I have a bit of time on my hands. As my pelvis pain seemed to be getting worse and I was getting abdominal shooting pains I called my out of hours doctor and asked them for some advice on what to do. Only they told me that the painkillers I already have were the strongest ones they carry so they couldn't really do much. A few hours later I noticed a bit of spotting but didn't really take much notice until I realised it had got a bit worse overnight. It's stopped completely now. I'm on the implant so I'm hoping that it's just that going a bit crazy but I have a doctors appointment for my pelvis on Monday so will mention it to them then just incase.
Went to a house viewing with a few mates yesterday as I am now going to have to go back to sharing and we all fell in love with the place straight away and as it was really cheap and really big compared to the other places we've viewed we decided to take it. Which means that I'll have to live with my parents for another three weeks but they're away for a week of that and (pelvis permitting) I'm planning on visiting a few friends around the country so shouldn't be too bad.
While we were at the estate agents sorting out payments and such I managed to pick up a parking ticket and as I reached my car a tow truck pulled up. Turns out I'd managed to read the sign telling me that I could park for 1 hour between certain times, seen it was after that time and thought that everything was ok. Only I completely missed the little sign they had placed above that sign telling me that there was to be NO parking at all other times. Tried to get in the car and drive off quickly as the tow truck bloke just seemed to be chatting on his phone. Only as I opened the door to my car I managed to drop my keys under my car and ended up lying on the road as I tried to get them back. All of this whilst on crutches. Pretty crap but I can't really complain since I should have read the sign properly and considering there have been times when I have parked where I shouldn't for a few minutes and risked it, I suppose it evens itself out. Plus at least I didn't have to pay for being towed away. I can laugh about it now though.
Had an exam today. That actually didn't go to badly (I think). I suppose I'll find out exactly how well in a month or two but I got down everything I planned to so hopefully should do okay. Got another two next week and then, as long as there's no resits, all I've got left is my dissertation. Ended up sitting in the sun with a few drinks with one of my mates and just having a good chat.
The ex came over again tonight and (surprise surprise) we ended up sleeping together again. I don't know if I was just feeling tired or stressed or because I'm aching a bit and still a bit worried about Tuesday or because I feel confused about what's going on between us or what but I just didn't really feel like I was getting into it. I haven't actually felt this way about sex with him for about a year and then I know what the reason was (I went through a bit of a difficult time and was quite delicate and upset for a while) so I wasn't too concerned. He seemed pretty tired too and as we laid down to watch TV he hugged me but kept falling asleep and we didn't really talk as much as usual so maybe it was just an off day. It's weird though even though we're not going out, when we are together it does feel like back in the early days of our relationship, only we are a lot more comfortable with each other now. I just have to make sure I don't start believing everything's going amazingly again, only to get really badly hurt again. I think that what happens when I got back to my parent's for those three weeks next week might just show what I mean to him so maybe that will help me realise exactly what I want too.
Managed a pretty long rant there but it does feel good to get things a bit clearer in my head 