I am finally back in my own flat. For the last few weeks.
My parents agreed that I was probably able to get about enough to come back and that I would probably be a lot happier being able to see friends than being stuck with them. So, seeing how it goes but even when I do struggle a bit am much preferring being back.
I went to meet my friend who had just given birth a few days earlier on Tuesday. She was quite upset because they thought she had to be rushed back into hospital but at the moment everything seems okay and her daughter is beautiful. The ex was going to come around for dinner but because this happened I ended up not being able to make it. I told him what had happened and that I could do the next night if he wasn't busy. He soon responded and said that he had plans with a mate but would be able to get out of them because he wasn't really bothered about seeing him and that he would come straight from work if that was okay with me, also asking what I fancied him bringing over for dinner.
He turned up as expected and commented on how skinny I was and asked how. He kept asking what I was doing and saying he was worried about me because he didn't think it was right and that I hadn't ever been like that when we were together. He gave me a hug and asked if I'd missed him and I nodded. Then we just talked crap for a bit and it just felt so right and so normal again, like there was nothing wrong between us and that we were still together and we ended up kissing, which kept nearly leading on. I kept managing to stop and tell him that we shouldn't and we would stop but then one of us would start up again and before long it did end up in us sleeping together.
I hurt my pelvis quite a bit more but I still carried on. After we cuddled for ages and then finally got up and made dinner. He pretty much did everything and when I attempted to struggle with taking everything to the table on my crutches, he quickly took it all off me and did it for me and told me to sit down. After dinner we watched TV together and ended up sleeping together again before watching TV again. He kept checking that I was okay and that I was comfortable because I think by this point I had pretty much overdone it on my pelvis.
I know it was wrong. I know I shouldn't have. I really hadn't meant to. I had told myself that I wouldn't do it so many times. I suppose I just got caught up in the moment(s). It's something that seems to happen most of the time when we're together and when we were actually in a relationship there was no problem, I thought it was probably quite healthy. It's only with each other (I hope, lol) and I thought it really showed how well we went. That and the fact that we get on so well anyway, just talking or doing anything else together. I'm annoyed at myself for letting myself get so caught up and maybe slightly annoyed at him because he knew that I was concerned about feeling used before so I feel that he hasn't really done anything to help right now. I know that I can't really blame him though because I agreed and wanted it as much as him at the time. I suppose I'm just a bit angry at myself that I've let myself been walked over and now I don't know where I stand. Still I suppose I've done it now and I suffered enough last night when I couldn't sleep due to the pain in my pelvis, I can't keep thinking about it.
After a while watching TV he had to drive back home because he had work this morning and I knew that he would be leaving that night and around that time so wasn't too bothered about that and when he did leave he came back to give me a kiss because I couldn't really move.
The whole thing felt so much like old times, I felt so happy and everything just seemed right. It was only just before he left that I thought what an idiot I'd been and how I wondered if I was being used that I felt a bit sad about everything. I wondered if that was just because I was assuming the worst though, that it was making me feel worse. I've done that enough times in the last few months with my pelvis and depending on my way of thinking at the time can top of the world or really low. If we'd still been together I wouldn't have felt at all used and I would just have been happy to spend some extra time with him.
I spoke to a few friends and they (luckily) sympathized, which did make me feel better but they did advise me that next time we meet up to do it in a public place so that we actually talk. Doing that might help me realise whether I am being used or not. Maybe. If there's no chance of sex and he doesn't come then I suppose I'll have my answer. Still, after the pain I went through last night and today I'm not sure I'll be quite so up for anything until I am sure I'm healed. I may have learnt that in reality things aren't always as simple as you think they will be or work out as they should but that's one thing I think I can promise myself until my pelvis has recovered.
Despite having a moan, my feelings of doubt about being used right at the end of the night and the sleepless night I had telling myself what an idiot I am because of the pain I was in, I did actually have a really good time. Although it does make me miss him more and a bit more confused (how he cancelled his mate and made sure I was alright, carried everything about for me and got me anything I needed). I don't really know what's supposed to happen from here but the next few weeks for me are going to be really hectic so can't really dwell on it too much I suppose. If things start going well again then that's all good. If not then I've already spent enough time whilst I couldn't walk upset. I don't want to waste anymore time (though that's probably a lot easier to say now when I'm feeling pretty good).
Today I've managed to do a bit of house-hunting with mates. It's been good to see everybody again, although a few hours was all I could take before the pain got to me. Doing a lot better than a few weeks ago though so things are looking up. Got another viewing tomorrow and other than that I'm just trying to catch up on work and have a clear out of my flat. It's amazing how much stuff you can accumulate in such a short amount of time. I just seem to horde things for no particular reason. Even things like text messages and email I tend to have going back years. Think I might try and get a proper nights sleep tonight as well since last night I didn't.