I remember when me and the ex first broke up. I kept hearing that song, Breakeven, everywhere I went. It was quite depressing but I think I actually listened to the lyrics properly one day and I really felt like I related to them. That my ex was regretting everything, that he could 'see I was happy'. In a way he had 'time' and I had 'freedom'.
When we first talked he made a big thing about me being so happy at the time. How he would love to see it. He made it sound like he really missed me and wasn't happy without me.
Today I heard that song again. It seemed to just grab me. When you feel like you can really relate to something. That's how I felt. It got me thinking a bit. Maybe it was the other way round now. Maybe I'm the one that's got 'time' whilst he's got 'freedom'. I suppose in a sense it's right. If I hadn't had this accident I would have freedom too though. I also thought maybe, when he was the one that had had 'time' he'd made the effort, got in touch with me.
On Friday I sent him an email asking him whether we were still going to meet up. I sent it to his work address, like I've sent many emails before. He didn't reply. I have been a bit busy so hadn't really thought about it. Until I heard that song again. I know he see's that 'mate' of his over the weekends. The mate who told me he didn't 'give a fuck what happened' to my ex, that he has 'better mates who he actually likes', something along those lines. Funny how they only really see each other when we've been split up.
Anyway I'm just going to get wound up by that mate if I think about him too much. It's probably best if I forget him if I want to get a good nights sleep. Back to my point, if you can call it a point. I sometimes feel that he does things influenced by this so called mate. I don't know if he's playing some kind of game with me or whether he's asking his 'mate' what to do and just ignoring me, whether he doesn't know if he wants to go anymore. I'm not sure. It was all his idea to meet up after all. I sent that email on Friday because whilst online the night before he had started talking to me on IM. He asked how I was and how I was managing and whether I was still at my parent's. When I asked him how he was in return he told me he was okay but a bit lonely. I wasn't particularly responsive and I think my exact words at that point were 'oh ok'. I wasn't really sure what he wanted me to say though. So I felt a bit bad for being so blunt as I obviously do like talking to him and do care about him so I sent that email to see whether he was still considering going.
Now with no reply I do feel a bit gutted. Maybe I shouldn't, I suppose I haven't always replied to him straight away. Or even the first time he's tried to get in contact. Once I think I had about 18 missed calls and 4 texts from him in about the space of an hour. I suppose I just want to know what's going on. I almost feel that I don't want to go now if he couldn't be bothered to reply in the 5 hours he had before he went home. I know it's petty. I know I'm probably acting a bit irratic about it. Especially as I hadn't even been thinking about it today. I had been getting over my short suffering of flu I had the last few days and catching up on all my uni work and with mates. Been having quite a good few days, getting a lot done. Until that song came on. If only I hadn't heard that song...