The ins and outs of Me

I seem to have been constantly busy but done a whole lot of nothing in the past two weeks.

I've been to a few house viewings and met up with mates a few times and been able to cross a few things of my list that just hadn't been getting done. I've also managed to see the ex probably too much. He messaged me a Saturday or two back to tell me that he thought we needed to talk and could he come over. I told him he could and he arrived not too long later. We almost slept together again but I stopped us. He then out and bought some food and a bottle of wine, cooked for me again and later on we ended up sleeping together again. Then for pretty much the rest of the week he invited me over when he was back from work to stay over. Everything was pretty good then on the Friday night I attempted to ditch the crutches and went out with a mate - nothing too mental just a few drinks in a few different pubs and bars. Ended up bumping into the ex who had just come out for a few drinks on his own. He came over to talk to us and said it was a bit awkward, which of course then made me feel awkward. He asked where my crutches were and then said he felt like I had lied to him - I'm not sure why or how he thought I would want to lie about being like this for the three months or so I've been unable to walk, it hasn't exactly been my idea of fun. He then asked if I was out on the pull or whether I was now that I seen him. Not that I see what's it to do with him if I was. He seemed really cold and almost like he resented me being out and I felt pissed off but didn't want him to ruin my first major outing in months. He finished his drink and left us which my friend found a bit odd but in the mood he was in was probably for the best. We stayed out for a bit but I was hurting pretty badly and we ended up leaving a bit after midnight. I ended up not being able to sleep all night because I was hurting so much and still am but I'm glad I went out, it really did cheer me up! Still, think I'll be sticking with the crutches for a little bit longer!

On the Saturday I gave the ex a text and told him I wanted to talk and asked when he was able to come over. He replied and told me he was out all that day (which I already knew so wasn't bothered) but that he would see what time he got back. He didn't end up texting me back til Monday morning which I think was pretty crap of him and told him so when I spoke to him later that day - he could have told me on Saturday that that was his intentions. Anyway I ended up at a BBQ, enjoying the sun and seeing a few mates I haven't seen for a while so that was all really good and I was pretty happy.

When I received the message from the ex I text him back a bit later telling him that I was busy (I wanted to get some work done first) and that I would let him know when I was available. When I did let him know he told me he had gone back to his parent's for a few hours but would come see me after that. I felt that he was just pissing me around and told him not to bother because it obviously wasn't important to him (maybe not the most mature response but I felt pretty pissed off right then). He got back to me almost instantly and said that it was important and that he had waited an hour for me to reply before he left (oops).

When he did turn up we ended up sleeping together yet again - becoming a pretty standard thing now. Anyway, I managed to have my talk with him...not sure if it really achieved much but I told him he was out of order for making out that I'd lied to him about my accident and my recovery and that I had had been in agony that night and the next day at which point he said 'good' - I really get the feeling he doesn't like the idea of me being able to go out and about. Obviously this didn't go down to well and I went a bit mental at him, telling him that he knew exactly how much pain and a crap time I'd had the last few months and that he knew I was frustrated at not being able to do my usual stuff, that he was being a complete prick to me, that I thought he would have understood what going out would have meant to me - especially after so many months, that he had made things awkward on Friday and that it was a really nasty thing to say that he was glad I was in pain. I told him that he didn't seem to have a problem with me driving over to see him and that I shouldn't really be driving either but if I didn't do these things I would go crazy.

He listened to me and went quiet for a few seconds and then apologised. So maybe I actually got through to him. I then told him how I was feeling and that I didn't want him to be using me just for sex and sometimes I wondered if that was all he wanted to see me for. I asked him if we would bother meeting up when one of us starts seeing someone else and when he said that we wouldn't be able to I told him that that suggests we are just meeting for sex. I told him that I felt I was almost being unfaithful or something for chatting to blokes that I know are interested in me. I told him that I felt like he was messing me around completely and asked him what he wanted. He told me he just didn't know. He told me that he hadn't been happy for ages and when I asked why he said that he used to have a brilliant girlfriend and he doesn't anymore. I asked him whether he missed having a girlfriend or whether it was me specifically and he told me it was me. He told me that he enjoyed my company and again when I asked if anybodies company would do or if it was mine specifically he said mine. I didn't intend to but I ended up getting pretty upset during this chat and he kept kissing and hugging me - more bloody mixed messages, lol. He said he didn't want to upset me and that if I felt it was for the best, maybe we shouldn't meet up anymore, although it would upset him but I should have a think and decide what's best for me.

He wouldn't leave until he knew I was feeling a bit happier and not crying anymore. I just feel a bit confused about his behaviour. He looked through all my photos of when we've been broken up and asks me about any blokes that happen to be in a picture with me and whether I've slept with any of them. Then he asked about whether anyone had been texting me recently. When a bloke a mate used to go out with ages ago started texting me randomly last week when I was round the ex's he wanted to know what they said and if I'd replied (which I hadn't and don't plan to). When he heard how I got chatted up just nipping to Tesco's he didn't seem impressed but told me that it was because I look vulnerable. It's like he doesn't want anyone else to talk to me and wants to try and batter my confidence or something. It's weird how he seems to be getting jealous but then can seem like he doesn't care. I've spoken to my mum a few times and told her everything that's been going on and she reckons that he may be a bit depressed and that's why his feelings or attitudes change so abruptly and that's why sometimes he makes it seem like he doesn't care.

He ended up coming over for a few hours once again on Tuesday and once again we ended up sleeping together. The last time I managed to do my pelvis in again and was finding it impossible to walk or put any weight on it again. I didn't make too much of a fuss about it until after he left. We didn't really sort anything out, yet again but it did seem to be a pretty good night and I thought maybe I should just have a good time, concentrate on my exams and try not to work him out too much until I have a bit of time on my hands. As my pelvis pain seemed to be getting worse and I was getting abdominal shooting pains I called my out of hours doctor and asked them for some advice on what to do. Only they told me that the painkillers I already have were the strongest ones they carry so they couldn't really do much. A few hours later I noticed a bit of spotting but didn't really take much notice until I realised it had got a bit worse overnight. It's stopped completely now. I'm on the implant so I'm hoping that it's just that going a bit crazy but I have a doctors appointment for my pelvis on Monday so will mention it to them then just incase.

Went to a house viewing with a few mates yesterday as I am now going to have to go back to sharing and we all fell in love with the place straight away and as it was really cheap and really big compared to the other places we've viewed we decided to take it. Which means that I'll have to live with my parents for another three weeks but they're away for a week of that and (pelvis permitting) I'm planning on visiting a few friends around the country so shouldn't be too bad.

While we were at the estate agents sorting out payments and such I managed to pick up a parking ticket and as I reached my car a tow truck pulled up. Turns out I'd managed to read the sign telling me that I could park for 1 hour between certain times, seen it was after that time and thought that everything was ok. Only I completely missed the little sign they had placed above that sign telling me that there was to be NO parking at all other times. Tried to get in the car and drive off quickly as the tow truck bloke just seemed to be chatting on his phone. Only as I opened the door to my car I managed to drop my keys under my car and ended up lying on the road as I tried to get them back. All of this whilst on crutches. Pretty crap but I can't really complain since I should have read the sign properly and considering there have been times when I have parked where I shouldn't for a few minutes and risked it, I suppose it evens itself out. Plus at least I didn't have to pay for being towed away. I can laugh about it now though.

Had an exam today. That actually didn't go to badly (I think). I suppose I'll find out exactly how well in a month or two but I got down everything I planned to so hopefully should do okay. Got another two next week and then, as long as there's no resits, all I've got left is my dissertation. Ended up sitting in the sun with a few drinks with one of my mates and just having a good chat.

The ex came over again tonight and (surprise surprise) we ended up sleeping together again. I don't know if I was just feeling tired or stressed or because I'm aching a bit and still a bit worried about Tuesday or because I feel confused about what's going on between us or what but I just didn't really feel like I was getting into it. I haven't actually felt this way about sex with him for about a year and then I know what the reason was (I went through a bit of a difficult time and was quite delicate and upset for a while) so I wasn't too concerned. He seemed pretty tired too and as we laid down to watch TV he hugged me but kept falling asleep and we didn't really talk as much as usual so maybe it was just an off day. It's weird though even though we're not going out, when we are together it does feel like back in the early days of our relationship, only we are a lot more comfortable with each other now. I just have to make sure I don't start believing everything's going amazingly again, only to get really badly hurt again. I think that what happens when I got back to my parent's for those three weeks next week might just show what I mean to him so maybe that will help me realise exactly what I want too.

Managed a pretty long rant there but it does feel good to get things a bit clearer in my head

Funny, since the ex came over and couldn't stop commenting on my 'dramatic weight loss' in the last two months and how he was worried, I've felt like I've eaten a mountain of stuff and now feel really full all the time.

Before I finally came back home my mum had made a few remarks about how skinny I'd got and to make sure I ate properly (no worry about that now!) and I didn't really think too much about it, just thought it was a usual mum thing to say - making sure I look after myself.

I think the fact that he made so much of a fuss about it though and the fact that I didn't think I'd lost as much weight as he seemed to be making out worried me that I was slipping into a dangerous pattern of not noticing that I was eating less and less, which thinking about it I possibly might have been. So I went out and ate three big sausage rolls, a sandwich, half a bag of grapes and a rice crispy cake just in case.

Hopefully that's sorted then!

I am finally back in my own flat. For the last few weeks.
My parents agreed that I was probably able to get about enough to come back and that I would probably be a lot happier being able to see friends than being stuck with them. So, seeing how it goes but even when I do struggle a bit am much preferring being back.

I went to meet my friend who had just given birth a few days earlier on Tuesday. She was quite upset because they thought she had to be rushed back into hospital but at the moment everything seems okay and her daughter is beautiful. The ex was going to come around for dinner but because this happened I ended up not being able to make it. I told him what had happened and that I could do the next night if he wasn't busy. He soon responded and said that he had plans with a mate but would be able to get out of them because he wasn't really bothered about seeing him and that he would come straight from work if that was okay with me, also asking what I fancied him bringing over for dinner.

He turned up as expected and commented on how skinny I was and asked how. He kept asking what I was doing and saying he was worried about me because he didn't think it was right and that I hadn't ever been like that when we were together. He gave me a hug and asked if I'd missed him and I nodded. Then we just talked crap for a bit and it just felt so right and so normal again, like there was nothing wrong between us and that we were still together and we ended up kissing, which kept nearly leading on. I kept managing to stop and tell him that we shouldn't and we would stop but then one of us would start up again and before long it did end up in us sleeping together.

I hurt my pelvis quite a bit more but I still carried on. After we cuddled for ages and then finally got up and made dinner. He pretty much did everything and when I attempted to struggle with taking everything to the table on my crutches, he quickly took it all off me and did it for me and told me to sit down. After dinner we watched TV together and ended up sleeping together again before watching TV again. He kept checking that I was okay and that I was comfortable because I think by this point I had pretty much overdone it on my pelvis.

I know it was wrong. I know I shouldn't have. I really hadn't meant to. I had told myself that I wouldn't do it so many times. I suppose I just got caught up in the moment(s). It's something that seems to happen most of the time when we're together and when we were actually in a relationship there was no problem, I thought it was probably quite healthy. It's only with each other (I hope, lol) and I thought it really showed how well we went. That and the fact that we get on so well anyway, just talking or doing anything else together. I'm annoyed at myself for letting myself get so caught up and maybe slightly annoyed at him because he knew that I was concerned about feeling used before so I feel that he hasn't really done anything to help right now. I know that I can't really blame him though because I agreed and wanted it as much as him at the time. I suppose I'm just a bit angry at myself that I've let myself been walked over and now I don't know where I stand. Still I suppose I've done it now and I suffered enough last night when I couldn't sleep due to the pain in my pelvis, I can't keep thinking about it.

After a while watching TV he had to drive back home because he had work this morning and I knew that he would be leaving that night and around that time so wasn't too bothered about that and when he did leave he came back to give me a kiss because I couldn't really move.

The whole thing felt so much like old times, I felt so happy and everything just seemed right. It was only just before he left that I thought what an idiot I'd been and how I wondered if I was being used that I felt a bit sad about everything. I wondered if that was just because I was assuming the worst though, that it was making me feel worse. I've done that enough times in the last few months with my pelvis and depending on my way of thinking at the time can top of the world or really low. If we'd still been together I wouldn't have felt at all used and I would just have been happy to spend some extra time with him.

I spoke to a few friends and they (luckily) sympathized, which did make me feel better but they did advise me that next time we meet up to do it in a public place so that we actually talk. Doing that might help me realise whether I am being used or not. Maybe. If there's no chance of sex and he doesn't come then I suppose I'll have my answer. Still, after the pain I went through last night and today I'm not sure I'll be quite so up for anything until I am sure I'm healed. I may have learnt that in reality things aren't always as simple as you think they will be or work out as they should but that's one thing I think I can promise myself until my pelvis has recovered.

Despite having a moan, my feelings of doubt about being used right at the end of the night and the sleepless night I had telling myself what an idiot I am because of the pain I was in, I did actually have a really good time. Although it does make me miss him more and a bit more confused (how he cancelled his mate and made sure I was alright, carried everything about for me and got me anything I needed). I don't really know what's supposed to happen from here but the next few weeks for me are going to be really hectic so can't really dwell on it too much I suppose. If things start going well again then that's all good. If not then I've already spent enough time whilst I couldn't walk upset. I don't want to waste anymore time (though that's probably a lot easier to say now when I'm feeling pretty good).

Today I've managed to do a bit of house-hunting with mates. It's been good to see everybody again, although a few hours was all I could take before the pain got to me. Doing a lot better than a few weeks ago though so things are looking up. Got another viewing tomorrow and other than that I'm just trying to catch up on work and have a clear out of my flat. It's amazing how much stuff you can accumulate in such a short amount of time. I just seem to horde things for no particular reason. Even things like text messages and email I tend to have going back years. Think I might try and get a proper nights sleep tonight as well since last night I didn't.

Since my (slightly OTT??) post yesterday I thought about everything and in perspective I suppose I know that deep down whatever happens I'll be fine and that maybe I'm over hyping the ex in my mind because of all the times when we used to get on so well. I know that I, as well as any person, deserve to be treated well. With respect. Something the ex seems to have trouble doing recently.

So, I did wonder briefly whether I should send him another email tomorrow, if I haven't heard back from him and ask him something along the lines of whether he was planning on emailing me back and why he invited me somewhere if he wasn't intending to go?

I'm not too sure though. I did only tell him if I was back home and if he hadn't met someone new because I wouldn't find it easy to hear him going on about someone else. So now I wonder if he's met someone new and that's why he's chosen to ignore me.

Unless maybe he did just want to sleep with me again until he met someone new. Maybe when I told him in no uncertain terms that that wouldn't happen he thought he couldn't be bothered.

I don't know and it's likely I may never know I suppose. I just can't help wondering about it every now and again. I don't want it to be upsetting me either.

On a brighter note one of my closest mates gave birth yesterday and I'm really excited for her. Inbetween my idea of essay writing (which is actually nearly finished now, believe it or not!), playing with my dog and watching TV, I actually managed to hobble out and buy her a few bits for the baby. I ended up getting stressed when my pain got a bit much but was good to get out.

Anyway, if you can give me any advice about what you think I should do it would be really appreciated! Thanks X

I remember when me and the ex first broke up. I kept hearing that song, Breakeven, everywhere I went. It was quite depressing but I think I actually listened to the lyrics properly one day and I really felt like I related to them. That my ex was regretting everything, that he could 'see I was happy'. In a way he had 'time' and I had 'freedom'.

When we first talked he made a big thing about me being so happy at the time. How he would love to see it. He made it sound like he really missed me and wasn't happy without me.

Today I heard that song again. It seemed to just grab me. When you feel like you can really relate to something. That's how I felt. It got me thinking a bit. Maybe it was the other way round now. Maybe I'm the one that's got 'time' whilst he's got 'freedom'. I suppose in a sense it's right. If I hadn't had this accident I would have freedom too though. I also thought maybe, when he was the one that had had 'time' he'd made the effort, got in touch with me.

On Friday I sent him an email asking him whether we were still going to meet up. I sent it to his work address, like I've sent many emails before. He didn't reply. I have been a bit busy so hadn't really thought about it. Until I heard that song again. I know he see's that 'mate' of his over the weekends. The mate who told me he didn't 'give a fuck what happened' to my ex, that he has 'better mates who he actually likes', something along those lines. Funny how they only really see each other when we've been split up.

Anyway I'm just going to get wound up by that mate if I think about him too much. It's probably best if I forget him if I want to get a good nights sleep. Back to my point, if you can call it a point. I sometimes feel that he does things influenced by this so called mate. I don't know if he's playing some kind of game with me or whether he's asking his 'mate' what to do and just ignoring me, whether he doesn't know if he wants to go anymore. I'm not sure. It was all his idea to meet up after all. I sent that email on Friday because whilst online the night before he had started talking to me on IM. He asked how I was and how I was managing and whether I was still at my parent's. When I asked him how he was in return he told me he was okay but a bit lonely. I wasn't particularly responsive and I think my exact words at that point were 'oh ok'. I wasn't really sure what he wanted me to say though. So I felt a bit bad for being so blunt as I obviously do like talking to him and do care about him so I sent that email to see whether he was still considering going.

Now with no reply I do feel a bit gutted. Maybe I shouldn't, I suppose I haven't always replied to him straight away. Or even the first time he's tried to get in contact. Once I think I had about 18 missed calls and 4 texts from him in about the space of an hour. I suppose I just want to know what's going on. I almost feel that I don't want to go now if he couldn't be bothered to reply in the 5 hours he had before he went home. I know it's petty. I know I'm probably acting a bit irratic about it. Especially as I hadn't even been thinking about it today. I had been getting over my short suffering of flu I had the last few days and catching up on all my uni work and with mates. Been having quite a good few days, getting a lot done. Until that song came on. If only I hadn't heard that song...

I'm completely knackered. Again, I don't seem to have really done anything especially tiring or achieved much either. I woke up at a reasonable time after at least 7 hours of sleep and fell asleep for another 20 minutes or so. I got up at 9 to sort a few things out by phone and then this girl who I'd been quite good mates with until about the time she spat at my ex-boyfriend on my birthday one year and couldn't tell me one single reason why she'd felt the need to do it, rang.

Turns out that she hadn't suddenly felt copious amounts of guilt and was sorry for all the trouble she had caused that night, nor was she sorry for constantly calling my ex a prick or various other names. She wasn't calling just to catch up on 'old times' or because she's heard I'd had an accident and wanted to check I was okay either. Infact she didn't ask how I was once.

Instead she told me how annoying it was that the bailiff's, on behalf of the electricity company of our last shared house, were ringing her constantly everyday. That she was getting sick of it and it was becoming quite stressful. Yes I agreed, it wasn't nice. I'd put up with it for 6 months - six months of being threatened, feeling bullied and understress, when I had been first to pay my share. When I had tried to get in touch with everyone, try to get people to pay their shares she hadn't seemed bothered to reply to my emails or return my calls.

Now it seems as if she wants me to sort it for her. I spent so long trying to get this sorted and ended up so stressed about it that apparently my dad was talking about paying off the remaining debt (that belonged to a few of my other housemates) just because he was concerned at how upset and stressed it was making me. I only found that out a few hours ago but it gave me a good feeling, to know how much they care. I am glad he didn't end up paying it though because I was determined I wouldn't pay just because someone else didn't want to and I would have ended up feeling guilty about it.

Anyway, the girl who rang me told me that it was another girl, who she was closest to, who hadn't paid and she didn't intend on paying either. She said she didn't know what to do. I gave her this girls home address and phone number of her parents and that's all I can really do. I'm not willingly taking on that stress again, I've already got more than enough for me to deal with at the moment.

I think other than that though everything's been pretty good. Still get the odd wonder about the ex and still not at all sure what to do. Feel a bit like he's finally decided to get on with his life so I should forget him and get on with mine. Maybe it is for the best. Only it does upset me. Maybe I still don't know what I want.

I've been finding it hard to stay awake all day and now I'm not sure if I feel like I can sleep. Hopefully once I get into bed I will. Funny how I either seem to be desperately trying to get to sleep or desperately trying to stay awake these days.

I had a few up and down moments today. Generally thinking about my ex. Just as I seemed to be doing so well. I guess it will take time and I should just think how I tend to be feeling a lot better overall and that these down moments are just a blip.

There are times during the day where I've thought about the ex and feel upset. I wonder whether we will see each other again. I never ended up emailing him over the weekend. I was just too busy and I never had the chance to get upset. Then I wonder if we're still supposed to be meeting and whether I'll be physically able to if we are. Or if I want to. Other times I just think 'right, that's it. He's getting on with his life and I'm getting on with mine. I don't want to be held back by someone who never knows what they want or what to do with themselves. Someone who seems to drop everything for their someone they think is their best mate' - the best mate who when they had an arguement a few years ago tried to get off with me and later asked me to leave with him to 'go somewhere else together', when I told him I was in no way interested and that I didn't think my ex would be too pleased with him he said some really horrible and hurtful things to me about my ex. How my ex 'wasn't a proper friend' and how he 'didn't give a fuck about him or what he thought', how he 'didn't care if he never saw him again' and how supposenly my ex is 'a fucking prick' being amongst other comments. This 'friend' then spoke to me a few days later, to 'check how I was after the other night'. Something he had never done before.

They weren't talking so I never repeated these words to my ex. It hurt me to just think what this 'friend' had said and I figured there was no point in bringing it all up. I didn't want my ex to be hurt anymore than he already was at the fact they weren't talking. I didn't even know how to tell him. I imagined how much it would hurt me to hear that one of my friends had said the same things and I just couldn't do it. Maybe it was wrong of me, maybe I should have told him but I was a few years younger and didn't really know what to do. Maybe if I'd even told him a watered down version. I thought the fact they weren't talking kind of solved it for me.

Then when they finally started talking again, it was too late to bring anything up. I spoke to a mate and asked what she thought as well and we decided it may be a bit late now, it might look a bit suspect to suddenly say something months later. It would look like I was stirring things. This friend of my ex would make snide comments to me. Have little digs at me. Make me feel inferior. Like he didn't want me about. All when my ex wasn't about of course. He's even told my ex he doesn't like me. Yet infront of my ex he seems to make all the right noises, almost makes me think I'm imagining how he is when my ex isn't about - invites us both to places, asks him how I am. When the ex isn't around for even a few minutes though I know I'm not imagining anything, he'll compare me to my exes ex. Make snide remarks. If we're on a night out and I nip to the toilet, by the time I'm back he'd have managed to get my ex chatting to another girl and give me a little snidey smile as I return. I know it sounds like I'm being paranoid, not wanting him to go out but my ex always behaves differently when with this one particular 'mate', if we had an arguement it was only ever after my ex had been with him or we had both been out together with this 'mate'. He never acted differently with his other mates, if we were both with his other mates he would still show me affection but not with this best mate.

Aside from all the other stuff, attempting to break us up, saying some really hateful and hurtful things, he's still not acting very matey. I never used to stop my ex from seeing this mate or bitch about him but I made it clear I would prefer not to spend time with him. My ex knows I don't like this friend of his but can't figure out why. In his eyes his mate can do no wrong. He's asked me but so long has gone on I can't help but think it's too late to explain now. Yet his mate only seems to want him when he's not spending time with his girlfriend. He just uses my ex when it's convienent for him, then drops him just as quick. Surely that's not a true friend?

This mate seems to think that being tied down with a girlfriend is a bad thing, tells my ex that it is and laughs that people do it. Yet the mate lives at his girlfriends so much he's moved most his stuff there. Since spending more time with this 'mate' my ex seems to believe the same thing. Last week this mate of his sends me an email. Asking me if I'm ignoring him, how I am and what I'm up to. I find this slightly weird considering he 'doesn't like me',and he has a girlfriend. I started to reply but in the end I just deleted it, tried to forget about it. I thought it was better than wondering why it had been emailed to me. Whether it was some kind of joke. Whether my ex was in on it. I'm really confused with what this 'mate' of ex wants? Why would he email me so randomly? What's his problem? He didn't like me and now that I'm no longer seeing my ex there is no reason whatsoever for him to want to make me feel uncomfortable or cause any trouble.

All I wanted was to stop my ex from getting hurt. Maybe I just made it worse though. Maybe if something happens now, it'll hurt him even more. I suppose I was trying to protect him. I don't want to see him get hurt. Even now, when he's hurt me, I can't stand thinking about him getting hurt. I care too much. I don't want this 'mate' to hurt him. Why does it upset me so much to think he will? Why do I care so much?

My ex just seems influenced by this bloke so much and I really wonder whether I should be bothered about someone who can't think for themself anymore, yet I do miss him. Too much. I haven't spent that long feeling upset about this, just a few minutes maybe two or three times today. I accept that's bound to happen, a few blips every so often and I suppose it's part of the healing process. Maybe it won't be long before that 2 or 3 times will become 2 or 3 times a month.

I'm not entirely sure anymore whether I want to meet up next week at the moment because I think it may just be too painful for me at the moment so I have held back emailing him just yet. I don't really have much to say right now. Maybe tomorrow or Wednesday though.

I seem to be excessively sleeping these days. I'm talking about a good 12 or 13 hours sleep. I wake up at an earlyish time and think 'I'm tired still, another hour or two won't hurt'. Then I wake up again at some time between 9.00/10ish and the next thing I know it's gone midday/1pm. I was having trouble sleeping not long ago so hopefully I'm just catching up and not getting into a habit of oversleeping.

Other than that things seem to be pretty good. My dog seems okay, hopping about (a bit like me I suppose!) and her wound's stopped bleeding. I'm hoping that I complete my essay soon and should probably start applying for a few jobs for when I finish uni but haven't got quite that far yet. I seem to be writing quite a lot recently but it does make me feel better. Reckon I will try to get some sleep and not wake up stupidly late then!

Had a pretty good day today.

My brother gave me a ring earlier to see if I wanted to go to football with him and my other brother seeing as they had a spare ticket. I think the last football match I went to was to watch an England friendly at Wembley so I was quite looking forward to it.

We had a 'short' walk (hobble) from the car to the stadium, which under normal circumstances would have taken no time at all but with crutches I could only go so fast. Even the pain (plus the pain I'll probably have tomorrow) was worth it - I ended up walking quite a way compared to how much I've normally been walking recently, made my pelvis hurt more and all my hands, arms and shoulders ache from the crutches. I'm glad I went, I feel good for getting out and really enjoyed myself. Mentally it did me good anyway. Although crutches in a football stadium was quite an experience - one that is probably left best unrepeated!

We picked my dog up from the vets a few hours after that and she was so scared. I was holding her in the car and I don't think she stopped shaking until she was actually back inside the house. Still, she seems quite happy now. Apparently they've managed to fix it up for the time being but they could only do so much today (I guess that's to do with it being the Bank Holiday) and told us to bring her back on Wednesday. I just went to check on her and she seemed to be bleeding from around one of her stiches though so I cleaned it and put her in her bed and left her - if we stay with her she tends to want to play and go a bit mental, running all over the place. Left on her own she usually settles down quite quickly.

According to my horoscope I shouldn't feel bad if I 'take a day off from being productive' today. I didn't feel bad at all but I also didn't really feel bad when I wasn't very productive the last couple of days either...I suppose a day out is good for me, especially if it helps clear my head but I should really get down to that essay of mine!

Pretty active day to what I'm used to recently.

Started off pretty well but as I was trying to complete (start..) my essay my computer kept going funny and I realised that if I wanted to get anywhere with my work I'd either be buying a new computer or buying some new parts for it. Luckily my mum was about to give me a lift. We're waiting around in the shop and one of the shop assistants suddenly bought me a chair - To be honest I'm not used to having people see you're not coping and going out of their way to help out, although I did really appreciate it. It's all too often people seem to be too busy to help anyone in need though and then I wondered how much out of my way I would have gone to help someone else in the same situation. Later on, as I was waiting around for my mum, a member of the public went to walk past me then stopped and turned back to check that I was okay and ask if I needed any assistance anywhere. It was really nice to know that there are still some really decent people around, people that will help you even if they may never see you again and for some reason it did make me feel quite happy - kind of restored a bit of faith in the way people can treat each other just those actions. It's only a little gesture but it's just really nice.

I managed to get the bits I needed and fixed my computer so I can finally crack on with it, I did managed to wrote a sort of plan for what I intend to do so hopefully that'll help a bit.

My little dog, who we rescued a few months ago, had a surprise trip to the vets earlier. Her last owner had broken her leg and mistreated her so much - she had fur missing, the fur she did have was a mess, her skin was a state and she was scared of everything. She looks a lot better now and is much more friendly and isn't as scared anymore. We had her leg operated on (infact we came out of hospital the same day!) and we assumed she'd be okay but we noticed she was still limping quite badly. This morning she was sitting on my lap and when she got down I noticed a spot of blood on my leg but couldn't find anything wrong with her. Later on my dad noticed as well and where they've operated there's a massive swelling and it's all ripped open (my dad reckons you can see the bone - I haven't wanted to check whether that's true or now). Apparently they told him that it looks like 'the procedure may have gone a little wrong' and that she may have to have a emergency operation first thing tomorrow morning, after all the x-rays and that have been checked. Hopefully it'll all go okay. You wouldn't have guessed though - she's still happy and runs about mentally if we don't stop her but I suppose if her leg was broken before we took her in, she's probably used to it hurting her now. It's sickening how some people treat animals, it's not as if they're forced on you - if you don't want to look after them, don't get it.

I rang my landlord today and gave my one months notice to move out. I'm a bit sad, I've enjoyed living in my flat but because of my accident I'm not really there at the moment and I can't pay for something I'm not using - especially as I'm not earning, lol. I think I'll have to move back to my parents and then when I can move in with mates for a year or so before getting my own place again. I'll miss it there though, so a bit of a sad moment.

Since I haven't really been out much or moved much since I've been out of hospital my 'hectic' day today has caused my pain to get a lot worse again. Mentally it was really good to get out though. I'm off to bed in a minute though, so hopefully after a good sleep it will have eased off a bit.

Well, after my amazing plan to get myself up early and work hard on my essay, I ended up hardly working instead. I had good intentions, I just didn't get very far, lol. Considering I didn't really do much though, I still feel a lot better.

It's been a bit of a long day though and I only had about 3 hours sleep so am feeling completely knackered, which hopefully means that I'll sleep well tonight. I don't feel nearly as stressed about my work and what I have left to do as I did the last week or so. I think that now I have an idea of what I'm doing and I know there isn't as much as a rush as I thought there was I feel slightly more relaxed about everything.

Trouble is, that I usually work best as night, whether my deadline's the next day or it's weeks away, I find that at night I end up just getting on with my work and I can spend hours doing it and not even really realising. Wouldn't be so bad normally but at the moment I'm trying to sort my sleeping pattern out so I suppose I'm just going to have to set myself down over the next few days, make sure there's no distractions and just get on with it.

I've managed to break my speakers somehow, not exactly sure how though, so I've spent the day singing to myself instead and it's not really the same at all, lol. Since I went a bit mental online shopping the other day as well I don't really have the funds to splash out on any new ones for a while so hopefully they're just being a bit temperamental.

I actually almost feel like I could get to sleep about now. Makes quite a change from normal! I think I'll do a bit more work and then just laze around for a bit. Hopefully a bit more of a productive day tomorrow though.