I have finally got round to writing in here. I kept meaning to and it just never happened.

I am currently supposed to be resting. Resting all the time and I can tell you, it's no fun. I have been out of hospital for two weeks now after badly injuring my hip and pelvis after a night out nearly a month ago. Half the time I barely know what is going on thanks to my high dosage of painkillers. A lot of the time when I am awake, no one else is.

Not being very mobile is a lot more frustrating than I ever realised. Having your independence ripped away from you so you don't even have a choice about whether you can do something or not is horrible.

As well as being feeling slightly down about that, I'm in my final year at university and am potentially mucking up my dissertation and final exams. I can't concentrate for too long a time what with either being in intense pain or drowsy from the painkillers. To top it off I am still upset about breaking up with my ex. We spent so much time together, have so many good memories and went through so much that it hurts so badly. I'm still not sure whether it was the right thing. Normally I would be able to pull myself together and meet up with friends. The last time I saw him though was when he heard I was in hospital and came to visit me. Although we weren't going out at that point, it made me feel so crappier than when we broke up because he just lay next to me and hugged me and told me it was a shame we didn't work out and it just felt so right being together again and yet that's not going to happen.

I don't think he wants to commit again, yet I don't want to take things to serious too quickly but do want to feel secure about us. That we're not using one another. That's how I felt when I asked him to leave my flat. Used. For the location my flat is in? For sex? I really don't know, there was just this feeling of uncertainty about why he was really there. He told me he wasn't using me. That he does care and that he was there because we are 'good friends'. I didn't want someone living with me who says they aren't sure what they want. I don't want to be sleeping with someone who hasn't decided whether they still want me as a girlfriend after almost 3 years together or whether they just see me as a friend. Even if it is a good friend. I don't want to be his sex buddy until he decides that actually no, I'm not what he wants. Almost 3 years and he doesn't know his feelings for me. He had to go. It's funny, in a way, how he can seem so in to me and then when I let my start believing that everything is wonderful again, when I feel truly happy together again he doesn't think things are going well - or he tells me he thinks he only sees me as a 'good friend'.

I wanted to cut contact until we were both over each other, thought it might make it easier on us both but in my current state it's just making me feel depressed. So it's back to chatting away and it really doesn't feel like anything has changed. He initiates contact a high percentage of the time. Even if I don't reply within an hour or so, he'll send me another message. I'm not trying to play games, I'm just sometimes busy. I just don't understand him. I don't think I really understand my feelings anymore either.

If I a mate told me everything that's happened, that's made me feel insecure, I would probably think she's better off without the bloke in question. When it's you though and you've been through so much with that person it's hard. You know that you were (are?) good together and you can't just cut off your emotions like that.

I guess we're both still young though. There's still time to see and do so much. And I guess what will be will be.