The ins and outs of Me

Just making a plan of what you are going to do can help so much.

After allowing myself to get quite low, I suddenly realised that if I wasn't careful I would end up not being able to snap out of it. My mum had already been worried that I was getting depressed a few weeks ago and the more I thought about it the more I realised I was likely to if I carried on allowing myself to constantly be wondering what the ex was thinking, if he was as upset as me, if he still misses me, if he was wondering why I hadn't emailed.

I'm planning to use the weekend to finish my essay but to get out of the house, even for short periods of time. I've got a few things on my list that don't have to be done for a while so will just concentrate on making sure I'm not sleeping half the day or wondering about the ex.

The next few days both my parents are around so I will be get out a bit more and a mate and at least one of my brothers is coming round to see me, so shouldn't go as completely mental as I have been.

Then there's the all important subject of that email I'm going to send the ex. Just the fact that I've decided to send it has made me feel happier. I want to work out exactly how I'm feeling and what I want, so now that my minds a bit clearer I may find that slightly easier. I don't want to do it as a spur of the moment thing because I don't want to end up sounding as if I'm trying to cause an arguement or stir up trouble, which I probably have the ability to do when I start typing in the heat of the moment (and did about a week ago - but he later admitted he had riled me up and apologised for it) but I think I'm going to talk it through with my mate before I send it just to make sure I've included everything and got my point across.

It's amazing how much of a difference it makes by looking at things in a positive light ☺ I already feel a lot more motivated.

So by next week i'll have sorted through all the important things on my list and should be back to an almost normal mental state!

So the plan was to forget about the ex, concentrate on uni work. Only once again I've achieved nothing today. I can't help but think about him, why hasn't he got in touch? Should I reply to his last email? Should I just leave it? Are we over for good? Why does he want to meet up? All these questions that I can't answer. I end up sitting up half the night thinking or worrying. Then of course the next day I end up asleep for most of it. Am trying to break my insane sleeping pattern but so far not doing a terribly good job of it.

I have a feeling that the ex isn't about this weekend, so if I am going to email him I should do it before then if I don't want to be sitting around wondering if he's got my message or if he's going to reply. Though, the more I think about it, the more I'm not sure if I should send him one, if I'm just going to be setting myself up for disappointment should I really be prolonging it? Funny thing is that even though I hadn't thought I had made my mind up about whether to meet up with him or not, I've already been mentally planning my outfit. Does this mean I subconsciously have already decided that I'm going?

I suppose that might be to do with the fact that I haven't been out of the house since Saturday, and that was only to sit in Starbucks for a bit. The concept of actually going out somewhere is a lot more exciting when you have barely been able to move for 6 weeks and have no idea of when you will be fully mobile again.

If I hadn't had this accident I might find it easier to work out what I actually wanted and what would be best for me. Instead, I've got too much time to think and I just end up overthinking everything. Sometimes to the point of tears. I suppose having a big list of things that need to be done isn't helping me feel calm. I think that I should work out what needs to be done when and sort myself out a plan of action instead of just worrying about what I haven't done and missing the ex as well as getting back into a sensible sleeping pattern.

All this is easier said than done though ☺

Some days I just can't understand it. I feel especially crap. It can be after having a really good day/week or two as well. Today I just want to cry. I'm not entirely sure why. Maybe it's because I haven't spoken to my ex and I miss him. I was going to email him but I just don't know what to say. Maybe because I'm sick of being in pain and I just want to hurry up and get better. Maybe it's just hormones. Maybe because I've started wondering, if you break up with someone can you get back with them, however silly the reason was, however much you've sorted things out? Can you have a happy ending with someone you've got back together with?

It's weird because with other boyfriends we've split and that's been that. I've either thought 'I won't be seeing them again' or 'it's over' and then many months or even years later started talking to some of them again. As a friend, nothing more. Sure I went through the sad stages but with this ex it's so much worse. I just get this feeling that 'that's not that', that there's still something. Even if it is just us meeting up and realising what we did was for the best. I wonder if maybe I'm subconsciously hoping that when we meet we'll start to get back together again. Maybe that's why sometimes I feel heartbroken and stupid for caring so much and then at other times I just don't seem to mind.

I'm feeling a bit stressed. I always get this sort of feeling in my chest or tummy area whenever anything's bothering me. I'm not sure if I'm bothered because the ex hasn't got in contact and I'm wondering whether to talk to him. I don't know if it's purely because I'm worried about my mate who is pregnant and about to pop and all the unnecessary stress she's got at the moment, whether I'm worrying that the ex is just scared of being alone and that's the only reason he wants to meet, whether it's my mountain of uni work, the wonder of trying to work out exactly what I want with the ex or a mixture of all that.

Probably a mixture of everything. Maybe if I get it the uni work done the feeling will go away a bit. Once my mate gives birth maybe again it will feel a bit less strong. Then I can start to deal with understanding how I feel, what I want to do.

Until then I think a bit of online shopping won't hurt anyone...

It's frustrating some days when I think of how little I've achieved. Okay so yes, I'll admit that part of it is down to me being a bit lazy but at the moment I'm quite sure that a lot of it is down to my current level of poor mobility. It's funny looking back to all the times I've wanted an excuse to just do nothing and now that I've got one I want to be able to do so much. Potentially it could still be another few months before I'm completely back to normal. Hopefully, I'll be jumping around like crazy well before then. I suppose the best thing to do though is to keep pushing myself to walk just a step or two or put a little bit of weight down little and often and gradually build myself up. I'm still wary of overdoing it again though - last time I did that I stayed in bed for three days in pain. I'm hoping to see a noticeable difference in my mobility by Wednesday, that's my goal. I think it's realistic, I just need to keep reminding myself that every slightest improvement is a step in the right direction and something to be pleased with and if I can't do any more, there's nothing wrong with having to stop and watch TV or lie down.

I did hear back from the ex. He told me he has booked for us to attend that night together if I want to go. I asked him why he wanted to meet up, whether because it was established the other day that 'whenever we see each other we are more than likely to have sex' (although this was based on when we saw each other when we were actually going out), he assumed that we could carry on sleeping together until one of us met someone else - although I made it quite clear this wasn't going to happen. I told him that I did want to meet up because I actually miss him (whether this was actually a good idea or not, I'm not sure but too late now) but I wasn't sure if it was a good idea because I will probably end up getting upset after seeing him and talking to him and knowing that we're not together anymore. Then he told me that he misses me too, that he doesn't assume we'll sleep together while we're both single, that he doesn't want a new girlfriend at the moment and then the last thing he told me was that whatever happened he would get upset if that made me feel any better.

I'm not really sure if I understand that. Maybe we're both a bit unsure about what we want and that's why we're meeting up to see if we can work out what we want, how we feel. Surely though there's a few scenarios where he wouldn't be upset? If we were to meet up and both realise that we weren't right for one another or that the relationship wasn't working but we still get along great then that would be a positive ending, something NOT to be upset about? Or if we decided we were good together and worked things out between us that wouldn't be a bad thing?

My problem is that I think too much though. I almost asked him what he did mean by that but I would just end up over analysing everything, wondering if there were any hidden meanings, especially as I have plenty of time on my hands at the moment. That was yesterday afternoon anyway and I still haven't replied. I just don't think there's much to say and I don't want to just reply for the sake of it. I also want some time to work myself out, work out what I want from him - or if I want him. I want to see how I feel with no contact for a few days now that I'm a bit more mobile than last time we cut contact. I know it might sound mean, especially since he told me that last time I told him we should cut all contact between us he ended up going home from his night out in tears and even woke up near crying the next day because he was so upset, but I've also got to do what's best for me as well. I really don't want to upset or hurt him if I don't have to - it pains me a lot to think of him upset but I just need that distance right now to give me a clear head and sort myself out. Saying that even though, if we want to be petty, it's technically my turn to get in touch with him, I do actually really want to hear from him.

Everything seems pretty good. I do feel quite happy. I've sorted out my exams and new coursework and dissertation deadlines, that were affected due to me being in hospital, with the university and feel a lot less stressed because of that. I also managed to get out yesterday for a few hours (even if it was just sitting in Starbucks reading a few magazines whilst my mum did a bit of shopping), but it's just great to be out the house. I am also starting to get back to a better sleeping pattern (although saying that it is almost half one) and I am really pleased about that! As well as seeing a lot of my parents, my brothers keep popping round to see me, which is really good - since us all moving out we haven't always been able to see one another that often, especially as I live a few hours from everyone else and I'm getting on with everyone considering how much we try and wind each other up and how often we see one another. The only two things that will make me feel better at the moment (apart from wanting the ex and not knowing if I should be wanting him and the slight matter of the pain and not really being able to walk) would be completing my last bit of coursework and sorting out all the crap I've got left here in my room at my parent's - both pretty manageable things to have completed in the next few days so things are looking good!

Think I may be able to get back to a normal sleeping pattern, so that's good news - though I'm getting tired and want to go to sleep too early now! It's just gone 9 and I'm almost ready to fall asleep. Haha.

My ex emailed me today to tell me he was sorry how he acted the other night. So that's good news. I replied many hours later telling him that I felt let down and it did really upset me. I do actually understand why he acted weird but he also needs to think about how he says things and how they may be come across. I should have told him that I understand I suppose but I was still a bit angry or upset. Haven't heard from him since. Not sure if he hasn't checked yet, doesn't want to reply or doesn't know what to say. Maybe he's trying to make me wait for some reason. I'm too tired to care right now, though I was glad he got in touch.

We went out last night to celebrate St. George's day and I had a good night, although I could only sit and was in quite a bit of pain because I had already had quite a hectic day it was worth going to.

Been feeling a bit sick and dizzy and getting all hot the last few days. Might be because I've been trying to do a bit more everyday and think I may be overdoing at the moment. Just want to get moving properly again asap. Although I've been eating a lot less since I went into hospital so I suppose it could be something to do with that.

Think I will watch a lot of TV tonight and go to bed early and get a lot done tomorrow. Need to sort out a lot of stuff for university and get my coursework done. Not fun.

Well, the ex got back in touch to confirm that I would be going with him to this ten year celebration in a few weeks. He also asked what I would be doing during the day before we went and the day after because he would be at work. This slightly confused me because I get the impression from what he was saying that he assumes we would be staying the night together. When we were together I would have assumed the same but as we're not and we both have our own places so I was (and still am) slightly confused. So I asked him what he meant by this and what day he actually meant and what he thought I'd be doing if he wasn't at work. Not sure if it sounded blunt but he does confuse me sometimes. When he replied he suggested that I could have talked to him if he wasn't working but that he would book it all tomorrow. So I'm still not entirely sure of the situation. I suppose I will see how things go on the night which is about three weeks time.

I am hoping that he is not assuming that he can take me back somewhere where we've shared good times and then automatically thinks I will sleep with him. I wouldn't usually think he would do or even assume something like that, I've just become increasingly wary of men, and their intentions, recently. It does seem a bit excessive if he does just want to use me - to have to wait nearly another month before I'm back to normal after already not seeing me (or anyone else) in that time. If he did just want sex then he could easily have picked someone up by now, and still has the chance. He isn't the type of person who would normally do something like that though. He may just actually want to be friends keep in touch. He may just be genuinely concerned for my welfare still and not like the idea of me traveling home alone at a late hour.

I will not allow him to use me if tI don't like his intentions and the whole night will give me an opportunity to judge whether it is still a good idea for us go to a few shows and gigs we have tickets for that we booked before we split up. If I don't like the atmosphere, find it awkward, think that he intends on using me or am upset at seeing him so soon after the split I will have to rethink that idea.

My mum's currently gone up to see her dad. He's was rushed to hospital about a month and a half ago. He's out now but before he was discharged my mum and her sister in law went to his house and spent ages cleaning, tidying, throwing out things past there sell by date and replacing things (such as the 20 year old microwave with cracks in it and the mouldy bin). He's quite capable, independent and strong willed, my grandad, he doesn't like sitting around doing nothing but where his eyesight is going a bit he misses things and thinks it's cleaner than it really is, or doesn't realise the sell by date.

Although everyone's gone to all this trouble for him, I think maybe he feels like they're taking over too much and he's been complaining about what everyone's being doing to people behind their back. Anyway, Sunday night he had an argument with my mum down the phone. Apparently as soon as he answered he just let loose and laid into her and my mum was surprised at how vicious he was. He was having a go at her for various things that the sister in law and neighbour had done and had told him they had done on numerous occasions since he had been discharged. Then he accused them all of lying. He told her not to bother coming down the next day which she was supposed to be doing and that he wanted his £3k back that he'd given her.

My mum was furious and upset. She didn't want to go after being spoken to like that and would cut contact but her sister in law convinced her to come down and that if she was to cut contact at least attempt to sort things out and if it came to the worst, so it face to face. I spoke to her earlier and she said she'd called round to his house. When she got there she had to tell him she was his daughter. This confuses me because although he's nearly ninety one he's normally quite with it. Anyway, she had a long chat with him and told him that she was shocked at the way he had spoken to her last night and that me, my brothers and my dad were all disgusted too. To which he told her we could all go to hell. This shocks me too because this isn't the type of behaviour I'm used to from him. I do know though, that once he gets an opinion or idea into his head he is very stubborn and insists he's right, whether he is or not, and refuses to change it.

Although he was still angry, I think it seems he'd managed to calm down slightly since Sunday night. She told him that people didn't mind helping him out but that they didn't want to be spoken to like that. That people were taking time out of what they were doing and they may grow to resent it if they were spoken to so harshly. That if people didn't like the way he treated them they may stop coming round and helping him and when he really needs it he won't have any help. Then she told him that not only had she taken time away from her family and work (which she doesn't begrudge - she just doesn't want to be accused of stuff she hasn't done and shouted at so viciously) she had spent over £700 on fares in the month he had been discharged to go and visit him. I don't think he was aware of how much it was costing her each time and again this doesn't normally matter but when your time and efforts aren't being appreciated you do wonder why you're doing it.

Anyway, I'm hoping they'll sort everything out tomorrow when they next see each other. I don't like the idea of having this disagreement in the family and although I don't agree with how he's been treating everyone I don't want my grandad to be alone and I'm sure, deep down, my mum, her brother and sister in law don't either.

I'm going to try and get to sleep before 5am tonight. I've been finding it really hard because of the pain but it wasn't so bad today (I even managed to apply for a job!) so hopefully I'll find it slightly easier tonight.

Hmm. Now the ex has got in touch again to tell me that it's a shame I'm not around because I would love the weather at the moment - it even reminds him of our last holiday together in the caribbean. Later on he mentioned that he would like me to go with him to a 10 year celebratory party a restaurant is hosting for it's frequent visitors. A restaurant we've spent a lot of time in together. I'm a bit dubious as to what he actually wants from me. Maybe he does just want to try and get along but there is no real reason to, we have no children, we have no reason to see each other in our daily life unless we purposely make an effort to bump into one another and although it's likely we may bump into one another on a night out, there's enough pubs, clubs and bars in our town for it to be unlikely for us to be in the same one - and if we are and it does seem uncomfortable it's easy enough for one group to move on to another place.

As it's still quite a time away he asked if I'd be able to walk by then and as long as I was alright would I come. I replied and told him that I should be better but I may still be on crutches by then as it will be months before I fully recover (which he knows because he has asked me many a time and suggested meeting up when I am back) and although I may not be 100% I should be able to cope by then if that still counts as being 'alright' by his reckoning. He was pretty quick to get back to me and say that that would be fine, as we wouldn't be on our feet too much so I hopefully wouldn't overdo it.

That wasn't that long ago and throughout the day, he's initiated contact via email or text. Whether it's been a jokey email or a text to tell me how much I'd enjoy something. If I don't find it necessary to reply or I just haven't had a chance it's not long before I hear from him again. I find this all a bit odd. This party that the restaurant is hosting isn't particularly close to us so it's not really a spur of the moment thing, we'd have to consider how we would get there and although it's not for some time, we still need to book our places quite soon if we intend to go. I can't help wondering why he didn't invite a few friends instead, if he had wanted to he didn't even have to let me know about it. Judging from when he received the email and when he sent it to me, I would have been the first person he asked - unless of course he has sent separate emails inviting many people.

I'm not sure if most people would find it quite awkward - going with their ex, not long after they broke up, to a restaurant they used to visit regularly when they were together. I don't. Somehow. Maybe it's because I've been driving myself insane with the excessive amount of boredom I've been in in the last few weeks with my limited amount of mobility and just can't wait to be able to get out. Maybe I'm so used to spending time with him it just seems natural. Maybe I'm holding onto hope that we'll see each other and everything will be fine. I'm not sure. I do know that I will accept his invite for the moment but if I do change my mind and decide it won't be a good idea nearer to the time then I won't go. Simple. I also know that I will go with no expectations and that I will be prepared. If I do go, I will have a good time whatever and will not let him use me. Then, whatever happens that night, I can be happy that things went my way on my terms.

I feel so gutted right now. The ex has been sending me such positive signals recently and now he's just crushed them all. It's surprising how long we went out and how little I still understand him.

He told me in the past that he doesn't think we could just be mates because our feelings are just too strong for each other and yesterday he told me how much he's been missing me and how he felt sick at the thought of me with someone else. How everything reminds him of me and a few days ago he wanted to meet up (weird considering he said he thinks our feelings are so strong that we would find it hard to be mates because we would always want more from each other). Tonight he's said he does still have strong feelings but that he's scared of taking the risk of getting back into a relationship because he doesn't want to hurt me or himself. He doesn't seem to understand that my hurt is from the lack of relationship and the fact that he wasn't able to tell me how he felt until a few weeks after I kicked him out.

He just seems to be playing with my feelings, making me feel like everything will be amazing again. Then dashing my hopes. I know I need to get over him but it's not so easy when you're bed bound and can't do much with yourself. When I can start walking again then maybe I'll find it easier. I can't let him play me around like this so often. I've been crying so much recently and I thought I'd got over that. Maybe though, I was just hoping that deep down, when/if we met up again our feelings would just get the better of us and make us both realise how great we are together. I do think we are well suited. Even if we annoy each other or have a bit of an argument we still get on really well. We can talk about nothing forever. We just click. Our breakup was a bit stupid but I think if we can't get it sorted in the next few days I'm going to have to start to accept that however good we are, it's not going to happen. Remind myself of his flaws. Remember that they're are plenty more fish in the sea and that one of them will make me feel even better about myself.

I'm overly tired too. Having not had much sleep last night. Mixture of pain, being upset and worrying I think. Maybe after a good sleep I'll feel slightly better about the whole situation. I suppose I'll find out tomorrow.

My ex emailed me again tonight. He saw a few photos of me with another guy and wanted to know if I was seeing someone else already because it made him feel sick. He then asked if I'd slept with anyone because I'd told him I hadn't.

I don't understand. He didn't stumble on them by accident. He purposely went on the club website and looked at the pictures from the night he knew I was there. We're not together anymore, why does he care who I see, what I'm up to? I gave him plenty of chances. I don't want to go out with someone who never wants to live with me, who wants to look at pictures of other girls who he tried to chat up the last time we split up. Who doesn't make an effort to make me feel cared for or who never compliments me.

I replied. Told him that I hadn't lied to him, like I haven't since I've known him and how I appreciated the trust he obviously has in me.

Then he told me he can't let go, that everything he does and says remind him of me. That not even death of family hasn't upset him this badly before. That he's a mess.

Now I'm upset again. I'm finding it hard to get over him. Maybe I was wrong to get in touch after I decided to cut all contact but I was getting depressed. So i wrote to him, as a friend. I needed to be able to talk to him then - at the time it was what was best for me. Now I'm not so sure.

When he suggested meeting up, I was quite happy about the whole idea. I figured it must be because he wanted me back. He said himself that he thinks our feelings are too strong for each other for us to ever just be friends. Maybe that was what was keeping me going? I haven't been upset because of 'us' for quite a while now. Knowing that we would end up meeting up as soon as I'm walking again. I've still been wondering what he's up to. I still check my emails and feel disappointed when he hasn't sent me any. I still feel excitement when I see his name light up on my phone or in my inbox. I thought I was doing so well though. I was getting on with my life. He was getting on with his, so I thought.

Then he tells me how badly he's been coping. He tells me he can't stop thinking about me. How everything reminds him of me. I cried a lot tonight. I want him so much. I just want him to be able to give me a big hug and tell me that everything will be okay. That we can fight everything that's thrown against us. We've already been through so much - if we could manage to put all that past us I think we could survive just about anything. Only so far we haven't been able to.

I don't know if I'm upset because I know there won't be anymore good memories to share. I don't know if I'm crying because deep down I realise that the special bond we shared is gone and now that it's broken it can't be easily repaired, if at all. I'm not sure if I'm upset because we didn't put our all into trying to make it work. I don't know if it's because I can't imagine being with anyone else.

Sometimes I start to think I'm okay again, that I'm coping. Sharing friendly emails was fine, I was feeling happier and he said he liked being able to talk to me. Then it got a bit emotional, a bit serious. He mentioned he was missing me. I told him I missed him too. Then he said I was all he could think about. Then I receive the last email stating how he isn't over me and how he's coped with family death better. Next thing I know, I'm in floods of tears. I'm not really okay. I want him. How does he manage to screw me over all over again from so far away? Why do I let him?

I don't understand what he wants from me. Does he want to get back together? Does he just want me to listen to his feelings? Does he want me to feel bad? I don't understand how he can feel like that but not want to get back together. If he just wants me to listen to how he feels it's probably not good for either of us - I do care but it's hard on me too and hearing how it's affecting him isn't helping me. Surely it's best for him to talk to a friend rather than me?

I just don't know what to tell him. I'm finding it hard to let go, especially when I know he is too. I don't understand how we can both feel so crap and yet believe it's the right thing to do. I'm not sure what to think anymore.

I think I know that deep down, I'll be alright whatever happens but right now I can't see me being at that point.

I'm feeling a bit down. Didn't get to sleep until well after 4 last night and pretty much slept on and off all day today. I feel like I'm wasting my days away - I've got so much to do and time is running out as my deadlines approach.

To be honest there's not much to say. After receiving that message from my ex last night I have been left wondering. I wish I could get inside his head. Why is he thinking about me so much? I feel quite down as well because he's out celebrating his birthday tonight and in a way that hurts, that after so long I'm not there with him. I know it's petty but I think I'm also a bit jealous that after my 21st didn't turn out the way I wanted it to, because of him, that he's getting the chance to go and celebrate how I would have liked mine to go. I suppose I also feel slightly jealous that he's able to go out and have good times whilst I'm stuck at home unable to move much. Maybe I'm scared that he's going to meet someone new and I'll just be forgotten, discarded.

I do feel bad for feeling like this. I don't want him to be miserable. Sitting around immobile is enough to drive anyone crazy.

Maybe if he gets in touch again I'll ask him what he meant when he said I'm the main thing on his mind. Maybe I don't want to know. Maybe when I'm moving around again it won't matter to me. Even though I am immobile and finding my feelings are all over the place as I over think everything I still don't feel as if he's been on my mind that much. Not as much as he had been. A week or so ago I was so depressed we weren't speaking, even though it was down to me, that I had to reinitiate contact between us. Even if just to get me through a hard time. The last few days or so though, I don't feel like I'm so upset or thinking about him so much. Maybe it's because I know we're still in contact and unconsciously I still have hope which is keeping me going. I'm not sure, although that might explain why I am still checking my email quite regularly, hoping for a message from him (although technically I would suppose it's my turn to reply - only he didn't give me much to reply to). If he replies then I would assume he wants to talk to me. If he doesn't then I suppose I'll know how I feel when I either don't care or am disappointed and upset that he hasn't contacted me. I am wondering if maybe the reason I haven't been so bothered may be down to my excessive day time sleeping. Maybe if we stopped speaking again, I would fall to pieces again.

I know his 'best friend' is going away in the next few days, so maybe that will make him contact me - not having anything better to do. I suppose I should see what happens when the mate returns. If he still wishes to contact me and meet up, then I have to decide if he's using me.

I do feel sad. Talking about him makes me cry and I miss him. I don't know exactly how I feel though. Am I sad because of all the happy memories we shared and knowing there won't be any more? Am I sad because I think we've done the wrong thing? I just don't know anymore. I want him, here now though.

To make things worse, a mate of mine who has been here for me in the last month or so, who I have recently worried may see me as more than a friend sent me a message earlier. He claimed he thinks he would be over his ex if he met the right person. Then he went on to say that he thinks he's met her and would go for it if he knew she liked him. I hope I'm mistaken but I just get this feeling it may be me. Apparently, in the times before his ex and when I was still in a relationship with my ex, he told one of our mutual mates that he fancied me. I hate to sound mean but I don't see him that way at all and I really can't deal with getting into another relationship right now. I still have such strong feelings for my ex and it just wouldn't be fair on anyone.

I guess I should try and go to sleep now. I've asked my mum to get me up early(ish) tomorrow, so that I can try to get back into a normal sleeping pattern. So that I stop wasting my days. I want to keep busy tomorrow. I want to try and get a good start with my coursework. I also want to hear from my ex but that may not happen. I suppose it won't be long until I find out.

So my day? Nothing interesting really. Not a lot really happens when you can't leave the house much.
I had a really bad time of trying to get to sleep and ended up only falling asleep at about 4 again. This meant I was in and out of sleepiness all day so didn't really achieve much work which is never good.

I emailed my ex about an hour before he left work to say Happy Birthday. Nothing more, if he wanted to reply it was up to him. I was kinda surprised to get an a reply back quite close to the time he returns home, saying he thought I'd forgotten. He knows I have a stupid thing for remembering dates. He also knows I'm not likely to forget any of my best mates birthday's. It just so happens that one of my best mates shares his birthday, which he definitely knows. As we had shared the odd email the last few days I thought it might seem petty if I wasn't to send him something to wish him a happy birthday - even if it was just two simple words.

I was going to leave it. I didn't really see much to reply to. I thought he hadn't really thrown me much rope here, maybe he doesn't even want me to reply. I don't know. I don't know how or what he thinks anymore. A few hours later, after watching a bit of TV, eating a bit of dinner and chatting to a few mates, I drafted up a response - unsure whether I would actually send it. I tried to make it into a sort of joke - that he had actually been thinking about me and to be honest I was quite surprised to have a response within the next few minutes telling me that he does think about me and 'probably more than anything else' as well. I don't know how to take this. I feel confused. Why is he doing this to me? I wanted things to work out. Surely I gave him enough chances? I couldn't be walked all over. I refused to be used.

I wasn't really sure how to take it, I don't know in what way he's thinking about me. He's hurt me badly and not just the once. Yet I still want to be involved with him. I feel right with him. Yet I know that he didn't always do my self esteem much good, even when I really needed a boost of confidence. Every girl needs someone who tells them they look beautiful, their hair looks amazing, their outfit is brilliant or that she makes you proud to be her boyfriend every so often, doesn't she? Even if only occasionally. Even when we went to these big dinner/dances and I would properly get ready (you know - spend more time than usual on hair and nails etc and I'm not one of these girls that spends hours getting ready each morning) he would never tell me if I looked good or bad. Leaving it instead to other people to come up and tell me. Yet he would want me to tell him how good he looked. My confidence took a huge dent from this - I never felt like I was good enough. So many people, him included, have told me I could do so much better. I never really believed this but maybe in a sense they're all right - I should be going out with someone who cares about me, someone who doesn't mind expressing their feelings for me.

I don't want to be going out with someone who tells me I'm too old to wear brightly coloured clothes. Or makes digs at me if I want to eat a bit of chocolate or a few crisps. I'm not fat. Fair enough there will be people skinnier than me but I'm perfectly happy with my weight and more importantly, my appearance. I'm not going to give up food because the person I'm seeing is worried that I may put on a few lbs. I'd understand if he was worried because I was binge eating junk food but I rarely crave for it and when I do it's not for immense amounts.

I want someone that realises when I'm feeling down, those times when you do need a slight confidence boost, and who compliments me. To raise my self esteem whilst I'm down. Not every day, just when you're going through a hard time. My ex told me that if he started complimenting me, I'd come to expect it. He didn't seem to understand that if he didn't I didn't realise that he cared, I didn't know what he was thinking.

I had a male friend once, me and another of my mates were meeting up with him. She rang me not long before we were supposed to be meeting and was worried because she had attempted to cut her fringe and it had gone wrong. I managed to calm her down and convince her that she would be fine and no-one would notice but I would come over and try and sort it out. When I got to hers it wasn't as bad as she thought anyway but I trimmed it to make it a bit tidier and she was a bit happier but it was still bugging her. I had managed to ring this male friend of mine to explain we might be late and had told him why and as I hadn't seen her hair at this point and was imagining the worst asked him not to point it out. Anyway, we met him a few hours later and although he had never met my friend before, one of the first things he said to her was 'I like your hair, have you just had it cut or something, it suits you'. The fact that he was such a good mate of mine to want to make another mate that he hadn't meet before happy was really appreciated and there's not many blokes I know who would do that (although I may just be hanging out with the wrong ones!) That's all I want though someone who cares enough for me that I can see the effort they go to to make me happy, someone who can cheer me up when I'm down, or is that too much to ask?

I don't want to go through everything that annoys me. Otherwise it'll even have me wondering why we went out for so long. Plus I'm sure he's got his faults about me. I had some amazing times with my ex and I would love for there to be more but I think it may be time to move on. I think it will be hard but I do want to stay mates, at least I think I do. I've come to accept that he doesn't think it's going to work anymore and even though he does contact me a fair amount and send me mixed signals, which admittedly does confuse me, I don't think it's fair for either of us to play games and I've done all I can. I said that if he was prepared to give things a proper go I was too. If he can't make his mind up I'm not going to beg him. I can't force him to change his mind. He just needs to stop telling me that he misses me and constantly thinks about me - giving me a false sense of hope. Maybe it's for the best for both of us if we do stop talking and seeing each other. But for good this time. Then maybe I won't be left hoping and he'll gradually stop thinking about me. I just don't know.

This other bloke, who I thought was just being a mate helping me through a bad time has been constantly emailing and texting me. I was in hospital when it all began and was grateful that someone was sending me messages and because he had just split with his ex and was talking to me about that and I was upset about the split with mine I didn't read anymore into it. I feel like maybe he does want more though. I thought he was just very friendly at first but now I'm not so sure. He knows I'm not over my ex. I don't understand. He seems quite keen for me to not talk to my ex, even though he likes the fact that he's mates with the majority of his, and he's sending more messages than is really necessary.

He just text me to tell me he's going to bed and although he's sent me a few texts about 2 hours earlier in the evening, in which he said he was at home, he chose now to tell me he saw his ex with another bloke tonight and that he doesn't know what to think or to say. It might seem a bit harsh but I know he hasn't been out since we text earlier and I don't understand why he didn't tell me this earlier. Unless maybe he did just pop out for 5 minutes or so and on seeing these two he came back home. I don't know. The only reason I can see for him to tell me now is for me to stop what I'm doing and ring him but I'm really not in the mood for talking to anyone at the moment. I will if he is really upset but right now my pelvis is playing up so bad my parents want me to go back to hospital but I really don't want to unless I have to. At least at home I can watch TV and use the internet whilst in pain. In hospital it's not so fun. I've also been left confused with my whole ex situation and I'm stressing about the amount of work I have left to do and whether I've mucked up my final year - potentially wasting my three years at university. Plus I'm not sleeping great and wasting lots of time by just being in and out of a dazed sleep during the day instead of working. It's really getting me down. I never realised how much you take the simple things for granted, like your independence and just being able to walk. You do things so naturally and don't even realise. I will appreciate things a lot more once I am able to walk again.

If I'm not back in hospital tomorrow, then I will work.

One of my best mate's having issues with the bloke she's kinda seeing. He was going out with a girl for quite some time and was quite worried about a mate who he reckoned fancied her. They reassured him and everything carries on as normal for a few weeks. Then these two break up and the ex girlfriend and the ex mate get together pretty soon after. Now, my mate's on/off bloke finds it very hard to trust people - not surprisingly though.

Unfortunately this isn't very helpful to my friend, especially as she lives about 130 miles away whilst at university - okay, it's not the greatest distance but it's still quite far and apparently what is stopping him wanting a fully committed relationship. After his ex, he feels unable to trust people too easily. My mate realises this isn't personally against her and accepts this. She's been faithfully 'seeing' him and although they aren't technically going out, they still do a lot of coupley things together. They ring each other more than me and my ex probably used to and they speak every day by some form of communication. My mate has now told me she's concerned he may just be using her for sex and feeding her a load of bullshit. Although she does understand he might be scared of getting hurt she doesn't understand why he doesn't seem to show more feelings towards her or has made an effort to step their relationship up to the next level and be 'officially' going out with one another after nearly half a year or 'seeing one another'. She also doesn't know whether he's taking her seriously and just taking time to sort out his previous issues (which she is fine about if that's really what's going on) or whether he's just using her and they're not exclusive to one another. She said she knows he cares to some extent but not if it's the same way she cares about him (sounds familiar to me and my ex...).

She said she would have a proper chat with him before she goes back to university. She said she doesn't want to come back home for summer and find out by seeing him with someone else. A fair point I think. I told her she deserves to know what he really thinks and then she can make a decision based on his answer. She deserves someone who does make her feel special. If they do end up splitting then it won't be long before my mate looks back, sees it as a learning experience, remembers the fun she had but smiles and is glad it happened and is happy that it ended that way. Her bloke will regret losing such an amazing girl just because he couldn't open up his feelings and let her know he cares - or assure her that he does care but he's still finding it hard to build up trust and just needs more time if she's prepared to give it to him (which I'm sure if he was honest to her, she would girls aren't all that bad!). Who she knows cares about her. Someone with no flicker of doubt. If she lets him go, they'll end up together again if they are right for one another. I should listen to my own advice sometimes. So I encouraged her to have the chat before she goes off back to university but I also warned her what happened to me and my ex when I asked for reassurances and reminded her he was now my ex. I know whatever happens though, she'll come out on top in the end. She deserves to know where she stands before becoming even more attached.

I've got quite close to a friend of a friend whilst in hospital. He kept emailing me to keep me from going crazy, which at the time I really appreciated. Now I'm not so sure it was a good idea. I vaguely remember my mate telling me he fancied me over a year ago but I was going out with my ex and more recently he also had a girlfriend and I didn't really think much of it - I was in immense pain and in a daze from so many painkillers most the time. Plus he started telling me how him and his ex had recently broken up and how he was missing her. So with my ex coming in to visit me and giving me lots of mixed signals about how he felt for me I was moaning about that and he was moaning about his ex and it was good for us both to have someone to talk to.

The last few days though, I've just had this sort of feeling. That maybe he wants to get with me. I could be completely wrong and I hope I am because I'm not ready for anything yet and I don't see him as more than a friend. Why do I think this? Just little reasons. He kept saying to me that he's pleased out of all his girlfriends there's only one who he isn't good mates with now. When I told him my ex had suggested meeting up next time I was in back home he couldn't tell me quick enough how much of a bad idea it was - which I don't understand if he's so pleased about being mates with all his ex's, bar one. Plus he was pretty firm about it compared to how he usually is when he's giving me advice. He also doesn't seem to think that me talking to the ex at all is a good idea - even though it's helped me get through my frustration at not being able to do anything and has stopped me getting depressed. Another thing I noticed, on my Facebook there are a few pictures which potentially look like I could be wearing no clothes or I am wrapped in just a small towel - these weren't taken intentionally but they're there. Today this mate suggested I get some more 'suggestive/nearly naked' pictures up. He also asked me what pictures were my ex in because he was trying to see what type of bloke I went for and couldn't work out who my ex was. Then he started saying how his last ex wasn't what his ideal girlfriend would be like (I guess that's pretty obvious since they split up..) so maybe it doesn't mean much. Then when someone invited me out this evening, obviously forgetting with my injuries it could be ages before I'm allowed out he went a bit mental at them and said he couldn't 'believe how inconsiderate some people were being when it was obvious I could barely move and was no where near ready to have a good night out and with my high dosage of painkillers it wouldn't be wise to drink alcohol anyway'.

I guess you could say he's just being a decent mate and looking out for me. Which I guess is true and it's kinda nice but it's also a bit worrying because although we've got to know each other pretty well now via msn/facebook/text/phone we've only actually met a few times. Some of my mates from university are mates with him so I trust he's a decent sort of guy but I just hope he hasn't fallen for me because even though he's so sweet and always checks I'm okay, I just see him as a mate. I really hope I haven't been giving him the wrong message - I still care so much for my ex and it wouldn't be fair for anyone if I was to pretend otherwise.

Speaking of my ex, I haven't heard from him since last night when he sent me a message asking if I missed him because he missed me. I replied that I did and he just hasn't bothered replying - what's that about? I kinda didn't expect a rely what with the football being on, which is why I was pretty surprised he even messaged me yesterday. I don't know if I'll hear from him soon, I expect he will go out this weekend to celebrate his birthday and have an amazing time, so I may be forgotten about until next week - I'm not too sure whether to acknowledge his birthday, I know it sounds really petty but he didn't go out of his way to make my 21st that great and I put loads of effort, time and money into his 21st and I kinda felt a bit disappointed by mine to be honest after everything I had done for him and he couldn't be bothered or give me this one night to be special and do what I wanted. I might just send him a simple two worded email saying happy birthday and then I don't look mean for not 'remembering' about it.

Until next time then - I have shed loads of coursework.

My ex never fails to confuse me. I received another email from him earlier asking if I missed him because I 'sent him a lot of emails'. For what it's worth he 'misses me' he informs me. He makes it sound like I am constantly emailing him every second of every day. He fails to mention that he has been replying inbetween these emails and that other than when I sent him an email a few days after telling him I needed to cut contact, he has always initiated the emails. Even sending me another one a couple of time when I haven't replied straight away. I email him back, 'yes I guess I do'. Haven't heard anything from him since. Is he playing games with me? Is he trying to confuse me? It's working if it is.

I am trying to get back into a normal sleeping routine. Since being in hospital, I've gone a bit mental with sleep. I either have so many painkillers I'm out of it or knackered from trying to make an effort to stop my hip from seizing up. Trouble is I keep overdoing it and end up sleeping or just lying around for ages, waiting for the pain to die down. Then, I find I'm awake at silly unsociable hours and end up getting bored and feeling lonely in the middle of the night. Which doesn't take my mind of the pain. Hopefully I'll sleep a bit better today though.

I'm being really rubbish at completing my coursework. I've pretty much only got one essay due in in just under two weeks and for the rest, I have an extension. Technically, I have an extension for it all but I figure the more I get done now, the less I have to do over summer and the more I can enjoy it. It's just hard to concentrate with so much going on in my head and constantly being in and out of it. When I'm feeling loads of pain I can't concentrate and when I've had my painkillers I end up not being able to concentrate because I'm not quite with it for a bit.

I'm attempting to have a massive clearout of my stuff. I planned to be ruthless but I'm not very good at it. I start of quite well and then five minutes into it, I start getting sentimental or believing that even though I haven't used something for ages I will need it in the near future. I guess if I do five or ten minutes a day though, it's better than nothing and maybe eventually I'll have a clearer space...it helps take my mind of the pain or stressing about coursework too as I don't need to really think too hard for it.

Ah well. I'm moving rooms at both my parents house and back home soon, so maybe as I transport my stuff over I can decide what I need, what I want and what is useless. To think I have two rooms full of stuff - there must be a reasonable amount I can throw away, you would think anyway. Will have to make a massive effort I suppose.

Think I will watch a bit of tv and try and drift off to sleep reasonably early tonight, so shall leave it here.

My ex got in touch again today. He suggested us meeting up when I've recovered enough to move from my parents back home.
He said I could get my stuff from his hard-drive and 'maybe he could pick up the few random bits he left at mine'. I don't know about this. I told him I didn't know and asked if he thought it was really a good idea, I told him how hard I found it the other week when he'd seen me in hospital and then that was it - no contact, I told him I don't want to put myself through that. He said 'he didn't know what was a good idea or not anymore' but did say see how I felt when I was back home, and then decide. When I reminded him he had some of my stuff on his hard-drive when I was in hospital he suggested emailing it to me. I'm guessing so I don't have to see him more than necessary. The stuff he left at mine, nothing important - he only seemed to remember today. He's got by over a month without them, what's changed? There's just a few bits, I could drop them off at his while he's at work. Or even just send them in the post. Why is it so necessary to meet up? I dunno, I kinda feel like there was an emphasis on the meet part, not the swapping stuff part. Maybe I'm wrong. Maybe I'm setting myself up for complete disappointment.

I wondered if it was an excuse to see me. My mum reckons it is. 'How come it's so urgent all of a sudden?' she asked me. 'If it's that important how come he's managed without it all for so long?'. My mate suggested he was 'trying to worm his way back in, anyway he could'. I can't work out if this is a good thing or not. I do really care for him. How I feel is really important too. I don't want to be used. I don't want everything to be getting better for me again and then feel like my world is being ripped apart. Again. Especially not now. Not whilst I've got my final exams. My dissertation. I'm already worried about them due to my accident. I rarely worry about my university work. Normally I know I've put a decent amount of effort in - even if all that effort is the night before. Now though, when it really matters I'm just not motivated anymore. Yes, I'll get allowances for the fact I was in hospital and am still injured. I'll get a bit of an extension but it's just brought me down a bit. The frustration of not being able to do much for yourself, the horrible loss of independence, my emotions going crazy, I'm tired all the time, the painkillers affecting me, the constant pain - it's all been taking it's toll on me.

So yeh, on top of all that, I can't work my ex out. Doesn't seem very important compared to the fact I could potentially make or break my chance of getting kick started in my ideal job if I get the grades I want to achieve. I just need to vent my thoughts though. Earlier he said he didn't want to see all the boys I'd been chatting to on nights out. I was less then impressed then. I asked him what he meant by 'all' and told him I didn't appreciate the way he said that. I told him I hadn't exactly talked to many blokes on nights out recently. I also reminded him that I wasn't lucky enough to have the chance to have any good nights out recently due to my injuries. I told him I couldn't be bothered and he sent me a message of apology not long after.

Why does he want to see me? Does he actually want to just swap things and that's it? Another mate warned me to be careful he wasn't just using me. Yet he knows that I could potentially not be well enough to move back for another few months, in which case, hanging around just to use me seems a bit excessive. Surely having a fling with someone else, who is in the area now would make more sense? I shall have to wait and see I guess. I want to move home as soon as possible. It's weird living at my parents again. If the ex has waited for me then I have to decide whether to give him a chance. I do care for him so much and would love to be back together. Having good times again. I'm not sure if I trust him though, not to be bullshitting me. It'll take me time to trust anyone isn't bullshitting me now. If he doesn't wait for me or he's not so keen on meeting up in a few months then I guess I have my answer though. Maybe he does just want to be friends. Yet when I was in hospital he told me that he saw the look in my eyes and he 'wasn't sure if it was lust or something more but I felt the same and I know if we weren't in hospital we would have ended up doing something naughty'. I don't want to be the ex he sleeps with. I want to have some self respect for myself. Maybe it's for the best if I don't recover straight away and then he isn't as keen on meeting up as I won't be taken for an idiot.

I need to try and get my head down and concentrate on my work instead. I shouldn't be letting anything else stress me out at the moment.

Ever get moments when you do or say something and the instance it's done, when it's too late to change, you regret it. Why do I let myself make rash decisions in the heat of the moment? Why don't I sit and think stuff through whilst I'm calm? I hate looking back and regretting things that I've done. If I make a mistake that I regret I like to think that I've got something positive out of it by learning from what I did or said. Sometimes I wonder if I just use that as an excuse as to not feel so bad.

If I were to live my life regretting all the mistakes I ever made I would never get anything done. I would probably never be happy. A lot of mistakes are silly and you probably forget them as soon as you do them, they don't affect or hurt anyone else. What's the point of regretting those mistakes? Maybe I should only regret the things I know are wrong - that might actually affect someone - but did before realising that they were, infact wrong. I can't blame anyone else for what I say or how I behave. There's been many times when I know, almost before I've finished doing/saying it that it's wrong. But as much as I'm not proud of some of these things and wish I hadn't done them, I can't change them. I can do everything in my power to try and make things better again but that's not always good enough. There's always that knowing, that that initial behaviour was wrong. Knowing that you behaved like an idiot. Like a bitch. I have no excuses. I know right from wrong. But I'm human and everybody makes mistakes. I don't want to make excuses for myself but the things I regret the most, the things that affect another person - maybe causing them anger or upset, are done spur of the moment - when I'm really upset, when something's angered me, when someone has hurt me, or someone I care deeply for, emotionally. You would have thought I would have learnt by now. That I should take a few minutes to collect myself. Calm down and return to the situation when I'm feeling a bit more chilled out. Maybe some day I will. Maybe I'll learn to be a bit less hotheaded. To control my emotions. I hope so.

What makes it worse? One of my best mates claims that I am 'one of the nicest people' she knows who 'wouldn't do a thing to hurt anyone' and that 'I don't deserve this to happen' to me (she was talking about my accident and how noone deserved it to happen to them - least of all me). While I agree that noone deserves to go through with the pain, I wonder if maybe she's wrong. If maybe I am a bitch and I'm not as nice as she thinks. Maybe I deserve it more than she thinks. I don't intentionally want to cause anyone misery. Even if they've hurt me. But every so often I just get caught up in the moment and say or do something without thinking. The worst part is knowing you can't take it back.

Maybe if I learn to control my emotions I can be this good person she describes. I'm still young, I can still change. It wasn't that many years ago I would storm off a lot. Maybe I was spoilt. University changed me a lot. Made me more independent. Being on crutches has changed me. If I get annoyed with someone I can't shout and walk off. They've already made me a bit more tolerant. I've had to just ignore people who have been intent on winding me up. I've been able to talk reasonably with them. Maybe this is a positive to come out of a bad situation. Maybe it's one of life's little tests and I'll come out better for it. I hope so. I feel I've learnt a lot about myself already and I guess that's the first step to being able to change yourself for the better.

I don't understand myself sometimes. Some days I miss my ex like crazy and can't stand to think of what fun he must be having without me. Other times I just don't seem to care and know I can do so much better - even if it's just someone that mentally and emotionally makes me feel good. Some days I have all these feelings.

Take today. I really wanted to hear from him but at the same time I kinda think it's not the end of the world if I don't. At times I wonder if maybe I'm using him. Knowing that I feel worse about not seeing him just because I'm stuck inside with a broken pelvis and unable to go out as much as I normally would. So now I just dwell on all the good times we had instead of thinking of how bad I could sometimes feel. Those good times were bloody awesome though. And there weren't even that many bad times once we started seeing each other again.

I couldn't live with someone who claimed they didn't know how they felt for me after nearly 3 years of a serious relationship, a month where we had split up and then pretty much being in a relationship but not (he wanted to take it slow, yet he was happy to live at mine until I told him to go) for two months. So that was the end of that. Surely that's not unreasonable? Now that I'm immobile though I started feeling pretty depressed. So I started talking to him again. Even just to keep me happy until I am able to move and go out and take my mind of things. Does that make me as bad as him though? Am I just using him? I feel like maybe I am and that doesn't make me feel particularly good about myself. I know he made me feel completely used when we got back together (but didn't) for those two months. That didn't seem to bother him. But that doesn't make it okay.

Maybe I've got a guilty conscious though. When we split up we both thought it was for good. I ended up sleeping with someone else. Not something I'm particularly proud of but it happened and I can't change it. Anyway, turns out he wasn't too happy about it either. Yet he doesn't seem to understand how hurt I was when he seemed to be trying to go out with people he'd met since meeting and starting a relationship with me. People he'd met in the last few months before we split up. One of which who had split with her boyfriend a few days before we split. He said I wasn't one to talk after sleeping with that guy. As much as I'm not proud of it, I'm not going to spend my life regretting what I can't change. Ok, so what I did may have hurt him but so did what he tried to do. And if he had got with these two girls would he have slept with them both? Would he have wanted to get back with me? Am I being completely unreasonable to be hurt that he attempted to go out with two girls that he knew before we had split in the first two weeks that we did break up?

When we did split up the last time (although can you call it splitting if you're not technically going out with them, they're just using you to stay at your house?) we had a few emails. That was good, we were finally honest about our feelings towards all these sort of issues. Maybe it was too late but at least it was finally out in the open. Then I was admitted to hospital. He came to visit a few times and told me it was a shame things didn't work. I told him I missed him and wanted to be with him. We kept in contact by text, phone and email and he asked if I meant it when I said I missed him and didn't want to be with anyone else. Yet he doesn't want to commit. I tried to cut contact. I really did. But I was feeling in so much pain and so depressed I emailed him. I needed to keep in contact. At least until I'm fully recovered. Then I can deal with the pain of losing him. I've already nearly got over him, this time it's so much worse because I can't take my mind of things - what with not being able to walk. Now I'm wondering if I'm just being a bit of a bitch because I'm using him to keep me occupied while I recover. I'm finding it hard to get over him (again) whilst I can't move and all I can do is think. I know I'm still young and I have so much left to do but when you can't do much with your days believe me, it's hard to get over someone.

So now I'm starting to wonder, am I as bad as him for using him just to keep me happy whilst I'm still injured. Or should I use his attitude and think well he didn't care so why should I? I just hate the idea of hurting someone that means so much to me. Even if I obviously don't to them. I just don't wish how I've felt on anyone, even if they've made me feel just as bad.

I'm just so confused and have no idea of what to do for the best. I have no idea how he feels towards me. I just don't understand him at all.

I have finally got round to writing in here. I kept meaning to and it just never happened.

I am currently supposed to be resting. Resting all the time and I can tell you, it's no fun. I have been out of hospital for two weeks now after badly injuring my hip and pelvis after a night out nearly a month ago. Half the time I barely know what is going on thanks to my high dosage of painkillers. A lot of the time when I am awake, no one else is.

Not being very mobile is a lot more frustrating than I ever realised. Having your independence ripped away from you so you don't even have a choice about whether you can do something or not is horrible.

As well as being feeling slightly down about that, I'm in my final year at university and am potentially mucking up my dissertation and final exams. I can't concentrate for too long a time what with either being in intense pain or drowsy from the painkillers. To top it off I am still upset about breaking up with my ex. We spent so much time together, have so many good memories and went through so much that it hurts so badly. I'm still not sure whether it was the right thing. Normally I would be able to pull myself together and meet up with friends. The last time I saw him though was when he heard I was in hospital and came to visit me. Although we weren't going out at that point, it made me feel so crappier than when we broke up because he just lay next to me and hugged me and told me it was a shame we didn't work out and it just felt so right being together again and yet that's not going to happen.

I don't think he wants to commit again, yet I don't want to take things to serious too quickly but do want to feel secure about us. That we're not using one another. That's how I felt when I asked him to leave my flat. Used. For the location my flat is in? For sex? I really don't know, there was just this feeling of uncertainty about why he was really there. He told me he wasn't using me. That he does care and that he was there because we are 'good friends'. I didn't want someone living with me who says they aren't sure what they want. I don't want to be sleeping with someone who hasn't decided whether they still want me as a girlfriend after almost 3 years together or whether they just see me as a friend. Even if it is a good friend. I don't want to be his sex buddy until he decides that actually no, I'm not what he wants. Almost 3 years and he doesn't know his feelings for me. He had to go. It's funny, in a way, how he can seem so in to me and then when I let my start believing that everything is wonderful again, when I feel truly happy together again he doesn't think things are going well - or he tells me he thinks he only sees me as a 'good friend'.

I wanted to cut contact until we were both over each other, thought it might make it easier on us both but in my current state it's just making me feel depressed. So it's back to chatting away and it really doesn't feel like anything has changed. He initiates contact a high percentage of the time. Even if I don't reply within an hour or so, he'll send me another message. I'm not trying to play games, I'm just sometimes busy. I just don't understand him. I don't think I really understand my feelings anymore either.

If I a mate told me everything that's happened, that's made me feel insecure, I would probably think she's better off without the bloke in question. When it's you though and you've been through so much with that person it's hard. You know that you were (are?) good together and you can't just cut off your emotions like that.

I guess we're both still young though. There's still time to see and do so much. And I guess what will be will be.