The ins and outs of Me

I have had the most irritating cough the past few days.

In an attempt to get rid of it I have tried:
-Two types of chesty cough medicine (one blackcurrent flavour and one crap flavour it would seem)
-Ice cream
-More ice cream
-Drinking water
-Drinking lemon and ginger
-Eating raw ginger
-Honey
-Honey and Lemon Lemsip
-Sitting in all sorts of ways

Yet I was still awake at 6 this morning desperately trying to get some sleep. Lets hope tonight is better, yes.

I think I've started eating more due to a certain dissertation that I haven't finished yet.

http://doihavepigflu.com/

I seem to have been constantly busy but done a whole lot of nothing in the past two weeks.

I've been to a few house viewings and met up with mates a few times and been able to cross a few things of my list that just hadn't been getting done. I've also managed to see the ex probably too much. He messaged me a Saturday or two back to tell me that he thought we needed to talk and could he come over. I told him he could and he arrived not too long later. We almost slept together again but I stopped us. He then out and bought some food and a bottle of wine, cooked for me again and later on we ended up sleeping together again. Then for pretty much the rest of the week he invited me over when he was back from work to stay over. Everything was pretty good then on the Friday night I attempted to ditch the crutches and went out with a mate - nothing too mental just a few drinks in a few different pubs and bars. Ended up bumping into the ex who had just come out for a few drinks on his own. He came over to talk to us and said it was a bit awkward, which of course then made me feel awkward. He asked where my crutches were and then said he felt like I had lied to him - I'm not sure why or how he thought I would want to lie about being like this for the three months or so I've been unable to walk, it hasn't exactly been my idea of fun. He then asked if I was out on the pull or whether I was now that I seen him. Not that I see what's it to do with him if I was. He seemed really cold and almost like he resented me being out and I felt pissed off but didn't want him to ruin my first major outing in months. He finished his drink and left us which my friend found a bit odd but in the mood he was in was probably for the best. We stayed out for a bit but I was hurting pretty badly and we ended up leaving a bit after midnight. I ended up not being able to sleep all night because I was hurting so much and still am but I'm glad I went out, it really did cheer me up! Still, think I'll be sticking with the crutches for a little bit longer!

On the Saturday I gave the ex a text and told him I wanted to talk and asked when he was able to come over. He replied and told me he was out all that day (which I already knew so wasn't bothered) but that he would see what time he got back. He didn't end up texting me back til Monday morning which I think was pretty crap of him and told him so when I spoke to him later that day - he could have told me on Saturday that that was his intentions. Anyway I ended up at a BBQ, enjoying the sun and seeing a few mates I haven't seen for a while so that was all really good and I was pretty happy.

When I received the message from the ex I text him back a bit later telling him that I was busy (I wanted to get some work done first) and that I would let him know when I was available. When I did let him know he told me he had gone back to his parent's for a few hours but would come see me after that. I felt that he was just pissing me around and told him not to bother because it obviously wasn't important to him (maybe not the most mature response but I felt pretty pissed off right then). He got back to me almost instantly and said that it was important and that he had waited an hour for me to reply before he left (oops).

When he did turn up we ended up sleeping together yet again - becoming a pretty standard thing now. Anyway, I managed to have my talk with him...not sure if it really achieved much but I told him he was out of order for making out that I'd lied to him about my accident and my recovery and that I had had been in agony that night and the next day at which point he said 'good' - I really get the feeling he doesn't like the idea of me being able to go out and about. Obviously this didn't go down to well and I went a bit mental at him, telling him that he knew exactly how much pain and a crap time I'd had the last few months and that he knew I was frustrated at not being able to do my usual stuff, that he was being a complete prick to me, that I thought he would have understood what going out would have meant to me - especially after so many months, that he had made things awkward on Friday and that it was a really nasty thing to say that he was glad I was in pain. I told him that he didn't seem to have a problem with me driving over to see him and that I shouldn't really be driving either but if I didn't do these things I would go crazy.

He listened to me and went quiet for a few seconds and then apologised. So maybe I actually got through to him. I then told him how I was feeling and that I didn't want him to be using me just for sex and sometimes I wondered if that was all he wanted to see me for. I asked him if we would bother meeting up when one of us starts seeing someone else and when he said that we wouldn't be able to I told him that that suggests we are just meeting for sex. I told him that I felt I was almost being unfaithful or something for chatting to blokes that I know are interested in me. I told him that I felt like he was messing me around completely and asked him what he wanted. He told me he just didn't know. He told me that he hadn't been happy for ages and when I asked why he said that he used to have a brilliant girlfriend and he doesn't anymore. I asked him whether he missed having a girlfriend or whether it was me specifically and he told me it was me. He told me that he enjoyed my company and again when I asked if anybodies company would do or if it was mine specifically he said mine. I didn't intend to but I ended up getting pretty upset during this chat and he kept kissing and hugging me - more bloody mixed messages, lol. He said he didn't want to upset me and that if I felt it was for the best, maybe we shouldn't meet up anymore, although it would upset him but I should have a think and decide what's best for me.

He wouldn't leave until he knew I was feeling a bit happier and not crying anymore. I just feel a bit confused about his behaviour. He looked through all my photos of when we've been broken up and asks me about any blokes that happen to be in a picture with me and whether I've slept with any of them. Then he asked about whether anyone had been texting me recently. When a bloke a mate used to go out with ages ago started texting me randomly last week when I was round the ex's he wanted to know what they said and if I'd replied (which I hadn't and don't plan to). When he heard how I got chatted up just nipping to Tesco's he didn't seem impressed but told me that it was because I look vulnerable. It's like he doesn't want anyone else to talk to me and wants to try and batter my confidence or something. It's weird how he seems to be getting jealous but then can seem like he doesn't care. I've spoken to my mum a few times and told her everything that's been going on and she reckons that he may be a bit depressed and that's why his feelings or attitudes change so abruptly and that's why sometimes he makes it seem like he doesn't care.

He ended up coming over for a few hours once again on Tuesday and once again we ended up sleeping together. The last time I managed to do my pelvis in again and was finding it impossible to walk or put any weight on it again. I didn't make too much of a fuss about it until after he left. We didn't really sort anything out, yet again but it did seem to be a pretty good night and I thought maybe I should just have a good time, concentrate on my exams and try not to work him out too much until I have a bit of time on my hands. As my pelvis pain seemed to be getting worse and I was getting abdominal shooting pains I called my out of hours doctor and asked them for some advice on what to do. Only they told me that the painkillers I already have were the strongest ones they carry so they couldn't really do much. A few hours later I noticed a bit of spotting but didn't really take much notice until I realised it had got a bit worse overnight. It's stopped completely now. I'm on the implant so I'm hoping that it's just that going a bit crazy but I have a doctors appointment for my pelvis on Monday so will mention it to them then just incase.

Went to a house viewing with a few mates yesterday as I am now going to have to go back to sharing and we all fell in love with the place straight away and as it was really cheap and really big compared to the other places we've viewed we decided to take it. Which means that I'll have to live with my parents for another three weeks but they're away for a week of that and (pelvis permitting) I'm planning on visiting a few friends around the country so shouldn't be too bad.

While we were at the estate agents sorting out payments and such I managed to pick up a parking ticket and as I reached my car a tow truck pulled up. Turns out I'd managed to read the sign telling me that I could park for 1 hour between certain times, seen it was after that time and thought that everything was ok. Only I completely missed the little sign they had placed above that sign telling me that there was to be NO parking at all other times. Tried to get in the car and drive off quickly as the tow truck bloke just seemed to be chatting on his phone. Only as I opened the door to my car I managed to drop my keys under my car and ended up lying on the road as I tried to get them back. All of this whilst on crutches. Pretty crap but I can't really complain since I should have read the sign properly and considering there have been times when I have parked where I shouldn't for a few minutes and risked it, I suppose it evens itself out. Plus at least I didn't have to pay for being towed away. I can laugh about it now though.

Had an exam today. That actually didn't go to badly (I think). I suppose I'll find out exactly how well in a month or two but I got down everything I planned to so hopefully should do okay. Got another two next week and then, as long as there's no resits, all I've got left is my dissertation. Ended up sitting in the sun with a few drinks with one of my mates and just having a good chat.

The ex came over again tonight and (surprise surprise) we ended up sleeping together again. I don't know if I was just feeling tired or stressed or because I'm aching a bit and still a bit worried about Tuesday or because I feel confused about what's going on between us or what but I just didn't really feel like I was getting into it. I haven't actually felt this way about sex with him for about a year and then I know what the reason was (I went through a bit of a difficult time and was quite delicate and upset for a while) so I wasn't too concerned. He seemed pretty tired too and as we laid down to watch TV he hugged me but kept falling asleep and we didn't really talk as much as usual so maybe it was just an off day. It's weird though even though we're not going out, when we are together it does feel like back in the early days of our relationship, only we are a lot more comfortable with each other now. I just have to make sure I don't start believing everything's going amazingly again, only to get really badly hurt again. I think that what happens when I got back to my parent's for those three weeks next week might just show what I mean to him so maybe that will help me realise exactly what I want too.

Managed a pretty long rant there but it does feel good to get things a bit clearer in my head

Funny, since the ex came over and couldn't stop commenting on my 'dramatic weight loss' in the last two months and how he was worried, I've felt like I've eaten a mountain of stuff and now feel really full all the time.

Before I finally came back home my mum had made a few remarks about how skinny I'd got and to make sure I ate properly (no worry about that now!) and I didn't really think too much about it, just thought it was a usual mum thing to say - making sure I look after myself.

I think the fact that he made so much of a fuss about it though and the fact that I didn't think I'd lost as much weight as he seemed to be making out worried me that I was slipping into a dangerous pattern of not noticing that I was eating less and less, which thinking about it I possibly might have been. So I went out and ate three big sausage rolls, a sandwich, half a bag of grapes and a rice crispy cake just in case.

Hopefully that's sorted then!

I am finally back in my own flat. For the last few weeks.
My parents agreed that I was probably able to get about enough to come back and that I would probably be a lot happier being able to see friends than being stuck with them. So, seeing how it goes but even when I do struggle a bit am much preferring being back.

I went to meet my friend who had just given birth a few days earlier on Tuesday. She was quite upset because they thought she had to be rushed back into hospital but at the moment everything seems okay and her daughter is beautiful. The ex was going to come around for dinner but because this happened I ended up not being able to make it. I told him what had happened and that I could do the next night if he wasn't busy. He soon responded and said that he had plans with a mate but would be able to get out of them because he wasn't really bothered about seeing him and that he would come straight from work if that was okay with me, also asking what I fancied him bringing over for dinner.

He turned up as expected and commented on how skinny I was and asked how. He kept asking what I was doing and saying he was worried about me because he didn't think it was right and that I hadn't ever been like that when we were together. He gave me a hug and asked if I'd missed him and I nodded. Then we just talked crap for a bit and it just felt so right and so normal again, like there was nothing wrong between us and that we were still together and we ended up kissing, which kept nearly leading on. I kept managing to stop and tell him that we shouldn't and we would stop but then one of us would start up again and before long it did end up in us sleeping together.

I hurt my pelvis quite a bit more but I still carried on. After we cuddled for ages and then finally got up and made dinner. He pretty much did everything and when I attempted to struggle with taking everything to the table on my crutches, he quickly took it all off me and did it for me and told me to sit down. After dinner we watched TV together and ended up sleeping together again before watching TV again. He kept checking that I was okay and that I was comfortable because I think by this point I had pretty much overdone it on my pelvis.

I know it was wrong. I know I shouldn't have. I really hadn't meant to. I had told myself that I wouldn't do it so many times. I suppose I just got caught up in the moment(s). It's something that seems to happen most of the time when we're together and when we were actually in a relationship there was no problem, I thought it was probably quite healthy. It's only with each other (I hope, lol) and I thought it really showed how well we went. That and the fact that we get on so well anyway, just talking or doing anything else together. I'm annoyed at myself for letting myself get so caught up and maybe slightly annoyed at him because he knew that I was concerned about feeling used before so I feel that he hasn't really done anything to help right now. I know that I can't really blame him though because I agreed and wanted it as much as him at the time. I suppose I'm just a bit angry at myself that I've let myself been walked over and now I don't know where I stand. Still I suppose I've done it now and I suffered enough last night when I couldn't sleep due to the pain in my pelvis, I can't keep thinking about it.

After a while watching TV he had to drive back home because he had work this morning and I knew that he would be leaving that night and around that time so wasn't too bothered about that and when he did leave he came back to give me a kiss because I couldn't really move.

The whole thing felt so much like old times, I felt so happy and everything just seemed right. It was only just before he left that I thought what an idiot I'd been and how I wondered if I was being used that I felt a bit sad about everything. I wondered if that was just because I was assuming the worst though, that it was making me feel worse. I've done that enough times in the last few months with my pelvis and depending on my way of thinking at the time can top of the world or really low. If we'd still been together I wouldn't have felt at all used and I would just have been happy to spend some extra time with him.

I spoke to a few friends and they (luckily) sympathized, which did make me feel better but they did advise me that next time we meet up to do it in a public place so that we actually talk. Doing that might help me realise whether I am being used or not. Maybe. If there's no chance of sex and he doesn't come then I suppose I'll have my answer. Still, after the pain I went through last night and today I'm not sure I'll be quite so up for anything until I am sure I'm healed. I may have learnt that in reality things aren't always as simple as you think they will be or work out as they should but that's one thing I think I can promise myself until my pelvis has recovered.

Despite having a moan, my feelings of doubt about being used right at the end of the night and the sleepless night I had telling myself what an idiot I am because of the pain I was in, I did actually have a really good time. Although it does make me miss him more and a bit more confused (how he cancelled his mate and made sure I was alright, carried everything about for me and got me anything I needed). I don't really know what's supposed to happen from here but the next few weeks for me are going to be really hectic so can't really dwell on it too much I suppose. If things start going well again then that's all good. If not then I've already spent enough time whilst I couldn't walk upset. I don't want to waste anymore time (though that's probably a lot easier to say now when I'm feeling pretty good).

Today I've managed to do a bit of house-hunting with mates. It's been good to see everybody again, although a few hours was all I could take before the pain got to me. Doing a lot better than a few weeks ago though so things are looking up. Got another viewing tomorrow and other than that I'm just trying to catch up on work and have a clear out of my flat. It's amazing how much stuff you can accumulate in such a short amount of time. I just seem to horde things for no particular reason. Even things like text messages and email I tend to have going back years. Think I might try and get a proper nights sleep tonight as well since last night I didn't.

Since my (slightly OTT??) post yesterday I thought about everything and in perspective I suppose I know that deep down whatever happens I'll be fine and that maybe I'm over hyping the ex in my mind because of all the times when we used to get on so well. I know that I, as well as any person, deserve to be treated well. With respect. Something the ex seems to have trouble doing recently.

So, I did wonder briefly whether I should send him another email tomorrow, if I haven't heard back from him and ask him something along the lines of whether he was planning on emailing me back and why he invited me somewhere if he wasn't intending to go?

I'm not too sure though. I did only tell him if I was back home and if he hadn't met someone new because I wouldn't find it easy to hear him going on about someone else. So now I wonder if he's met someone new and that's why he's chosen to ignore me.

Unless maybe he did just want to sleep with me again until he met someone new. Maybe when I told him in no uncertain terms that that wouldn't happen he thought he couldn't be bothered.

I don't know and it's likely I may never know I suppose. I just can't help wondering about it every now and again. I don't want it to be upsetting me either.

On a brighter note one of my closest mates gave birth yesterday and I'm really excited for her. Inbetween my idea of essay writing (which is actually nearly finished now, believe it or not!), playing with my dog and watching TV, I actually managed to hobble out and buy her a few bits for the baby. I ended up getting stressed when my pain got a bit much but was good to get out.

Anyway, if you can give me any advice about what you think I should do it would be really appreciated! Thanks X

I remember when me and the ex first broke up. I kept hearing that song, Breakeven, everywhere I went. It was quite depressing but I think I actually listened to the lyrics properly one day and I really felt like I related to them. That my ex was regretting everything, that he could 'see I was happy'. In a way he had 'time' and I had 'freedom'.

When we first talked he made a big thing about me being so happy at the time. How he would love to see it. He made it sound like he really missed me and wasn't happy without me.

Today I heard that song again. It seemed to just grab me. When you feel like you can really relate to something. That's how I felt. It got me thinking a bit. Maybe it was the other way round now. Maybe I'm the one that's got 'time' whilst he's got 'freedom'. I suppose in a sense it's right. If I hadn't had this accident I would have freedom too though. I also thought maybe, when he was the one that had had 'time' he'd made the effort, got in touch with me.

On Friday I sent him an email asking him whether we were still going to meet up. I sent it to his work address, like I've sent many emails before. He didn't reply. I have been a bit busy so hadn't really thought about it. Until I heard that song again. I know he see's that 'mate' of his over the weekends. The mate who told me he didn't 'give a fuck what happened' to my ex, that he has 'better mates who he actually likes', something along those lines. Funny how they only really see each other when we've been split up.

Anyway I'm just going to get wound up by that mate if I think about him too much. It's probably best if I forget him if I want to get a good nights sleep. Back to my point, if you can call it a point. I sometimes feel that he does things influenced by this so called mate. I don't know if he's playing some kind of game with me or whether he's asking his 'mate' what to do and just ignoring me, whether he doesn't know if he wants to go anymore. I'm not sure. It was all his idea to meet up after all. I sent that email on Friday because whilst online the night before he had started talking to me on IM. He asked how I was and how I was managing and whether I was still at my parent's. When I asked him how he was in return he told me he was okay but a bit lonely. I wasn't particularly responsive and I think my exact words at that point were 'oh ok'. I wasn't really sure what he wanted me to say though. So I felt a bit bad for being so blunt as I obviously do like talking to him and do care about him so I sent that email to see whether he was still considering going.

Now with no reply I do feel a bit gutted. Maybe I shouldn't, I suppose I haven't always replied to him straight away. Or even the first time he's tried to get in contact. Once I think I had about 18 missed calls and 4 texts from him in about the space of an hour. I suppose I just want to know what's going on. I almost feel that I don't want to go now if he couldn't be bothered to reply in the 5 hours he had before he went home. I know it's petty. I know I'm probably acting a bit irratic about it. Especially as I hadn't even been thinking about it today. I had been getting over my short suffering of flu I had the last few days and catching up on all my uni work and with mates. Been having quite a good few days, getting a lot done. Until that song came on. If only I hadn't heard that song...

I'm completely knackered. Again, I don't seem to have really done anything especially tiring or achieved much either. I woke up at a reasonable time after at least 7 hours of sleep and fell asleep for another 20 minutes or so. I got up at 9 to sort a few things out by phone and then this girl who I'd been quite good mates with until about the time she spat at my ex-boyfriend on my birthday one year and couldn't tell me one single reason why she'd felt the need to do it, rang.

Turns out that she hadn't suddenly felt copious amounts of guilt and was sorry for all the trouble she had caused that night, nor was she sorry for constantly calling my ex a prick or various other names. She wasn't calling just to catch up on 'old times' or because she's heard I'd had an accident and wanted to check I was okay either. Infact she didn't ask how I was once.

Instead she told me how annoying it was that the bailiff's, on behalf of the electricity company of our last shared house, were ringing her constantly everyday. That she was getting sick of it and it was becoming quite stressful. Yes I agreed, it wasn't nice. I'd put up with it for 6 months - six months of being threatened, feeling bullied and understress, when I had been first to pay my share. When I had tried to get in touch with everyone, try to get people to pay their shares she hadn't seemed bothered to reply to my emails or return my calls.

Now it seems as if she wants me to sort it for her. I spent so long trying to get this sorted and ended up so stressed about it that apparently my dad was talking about paying off the remaining debt (that belonged to a few of my other housemates) just because he was concerned at how upset and stressed it was making me. I only found that out a few hours ago but it gave me a good feeling, to know how much they care. I am glad he didn't end up paying it though because I was determined I wouldn't pay just because someone else didn't want to and I would have ended up feeling guilty about it.

Anyway, the girl who rang me told me that it was another girl, who she was closest to, who hadn't paid and she didn't intend on paying either. She said she didn't know what to do. I gave her this girls home address and phone number of her parents and that's all I can really do. I'm not willingly taking on that stress again, I've already got more than enough for me to deal with at the moment.

I think other than that though everything's been pretty good. Still get the odd wonder about the ex and still not at all sure what to do. Feel a bit like he's finally decided to get on with his life so I should forget him and get on with mine. Maybe it is for the best. Only it does upset me. Maybe I still don't know what I want.

I've been finding it hard to stay awake all day and now I'm not sure if I feel like I can sleep. Hopefully once I get into bed I will. Funny how I either seem to be desperately trying to get to sleep or desperately trying to stay awake these days.